WASHINGTON—Saying they are very close to casting all the principal parts for the nationwide stage production of Guys And Dolls, White House officials announced ...

WASHINGTON—In response to a probe into the bureau's operational costs, FBI director Robert Mueller timidly told Congress Wednesday that the organization he oversees ...

CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion ...

WASHINGTON—Interrupting a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff on Tuesday, Vice President Joe Biden called dibs on the clothes of Muammar Qaddafi, saying ...

WASHINGTON—Unemployment plummeted and stocks soared Tuesday after Republican leaders fulfilled their promise to cut funding for National Public Radio, a budgetary move that has ...

WESTERVILLE, OH—Refusing to march in lockstep with the other drones at Westerville Junior High, 16-year-old rebel Chris Iconia announced Monday he would not be ...

GAINESVILLE, FL—In response to the uproar surrounding Terry Jones, the Florida pastor whose Koran-burning last month sparked riots in Afghanistan that have so far ...

LOS ANGELES—Lacking the time, energy, or initiative to prepare anything better, Hollywood-based event planner Frankie Haines spent roughly 20 minutes last week organizing a ...

TRIPOLI—In the midst of widespread unrest, Libyan president Muammar Qaddafi convened his closest advisers Tuesday and asked them to be totally honest about whether ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at ...

BRIGHTON, NY—Patrons of the Full Moon Tavern are reporting that oh, God, area man Darrell Barnes is walking right up to that beautiful woman ...

Americans were outraged when it came to light recently that multinational corporation General Electric paid no taxes for 2010. Here are some of the ways ...

Aries: You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown.

AUGUSTA, GA—Severe thunderstorms in the Richmond County area forced organizers to move the first round of the 2011 Masters indoors to nearby John M ...

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that Butler University "cannot afford to establish a culture of losing," Butler athletic director Barry Collier announced at a press conference Friday that ...

INDIANAPOLIS—Following the UConn women's 72-63 loss to Notre Dame in the NCAA Final Four last Sunday, the Huskies expressed shock over how they ...

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Making flippant remarks about the game such as "BASKETBALL GAME HAPPENING NOW" and "WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS ...

OMAHA, NE—Local Omaha residents told reporters Monday that for the past week veteran pitcher Jeff Suppan has been going door-to-door, offering to do small ...

SAN JOSE, CA—Two weeks into the 2011 Major League Baseball season, 27-year-old Fred Romero has already begun complaining about the amount of time it ...

Seven-time rebounding champion and five-time NBA title winner Dennis Rodman was just elected to the Baskeball Hall of Fame. Was he any good?

As the Masters tees off, we take a closer look at what makes Augusta one of golf's most legendary and difficult courses.

Bob Parsons, the CEO of the web host GoDaddy.com, posted a video of himself killing an elephant in Africa, during which villagers wearing GoDaddy ...

A Food and Drug Administration panel concluded that a link between hyperactivity and food dyes was not borne out sufficiently by current data.

Despite Gov. Scott Walker’s repeated claims that the State of Wisconsin is broke, his administration recently gave the college-dropout son of lobbyist and campaign ...

A new study revealed that people who worked 11 or more hours a day ran a 67 percent greater risk of having a heart attack ...

Talk show host Glenn Beck said that he’s "a little uncomfortable" with some of Donald Trump's claims about Obama's birth certificate and ...

Dear The Onion, Who am I? David(?), Calabasas, CA

Dear The Onion, Did you guys know that the number 13 is unlucky? Maybe you should only publish 12 pages. Actually, maybe you should only ...

After a cyber attack brings the internet to a halt, Americans must physically go outside to tell people how much they love BBQ or what ...

Americans audition for a government production of Guys and Dolls, a jukebox flat-out rejects an Oasis CD, and a juror in Barry Bonds trial is ...