Area Man Already Tired Of Adjusting His Fantasy Baseball Roster

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Issue 4714

Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Making flippant remarks about the game such as "BASKETBALL GAME HAPPENING NOW" and "WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS?" the Detroit Pistons' JumboTron has reportedly stopped trying to pretend to care abou...

Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move

BRIGHTON, NY—Patrons of the Full Moon Tavern are reporting that oh, God, area man Darrell Barnes is walking right up to that beautiful woman sitting by the window.

Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage

CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion to the mountains of northern New Hampshire.

Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing

COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Area Man Already Tired Of Adjusting His Fantasy Baseball Roster

SAN JOSE, CA—Two weeks into the 2011 Major League Baseball season, 27-year-old Fred Romero has already begun complaining about the amount of time it takes to manage his fantasy baseball team, sources confirmed Wednesday. "I have a job, I have friends, I have a life. I shouldn’t be cutting into hours of sleep to research middle infielders for a game that’s supposed to be fun," said Romero, adding that on three separate occasions he's checked his team at lunch only to find out a pitcher on his bench has already started an afternoon game. "Besides, Michael [Armor] does website design or something for Yahoo! Sports, so he always wins our league anyway." Romero's expression of frustration arrives sooner than it did in 2010, when he reportedly waited until the end of April to tell his friends that he didn’t "have time for this shit" and was "never doing it again."