Pirate Written Up For Dress-Code Violation

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Issue 4715

Guests Emerge Shell-Shocked From Rich People's Wedding

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—Citing its 80-piece orchestra and real silver place settings, several of the 500 guests at Saturday's wedding of Boston socialite Elizabeth Kessler and investment banker Peter Graham emerged from the affair dazed and disoriente...

Derrick Rose

This acrobatic guard has become an almost certain MVP while single-handedly carrying the Bulls into the playoffs. Is he any good?

Notable Sports Collapses

Rory McIlroy went into the final round of the Masters with a four-stroke lead, but shot eight over on the last 18 holes, flailing uselessly all day. Add his meltdown to this list of all-time great collapses:

Miami Heat Complete Worst Season In NBA History At 58-24

MIAMI—Despite having high expectations heading into the 2010-2011 season, the Miami Heat suffered the worst regular season record of all-time Wednesday, limping to a painfully humiliating 58-24 and finishing an embarrassing second place in the Easte...

Justice Scalia Endorses New Easton Gaveling Gloves

WASHINGTON—Saying their gel-filled kangaroo-leather palms give him "the control and comfort I need for the perfect swing," Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia signed a deal Monday with equipment and accessory maker Easton to endorse the c...

Replacing Meredith

With Meredith Vieira rumored to be leaving the Today show when her contract expires this year, NBC is scrambling to find a new female cohost. Here are some of the people being considered.

Aspen Police Continue Search For Missing Ski

ASPEN, CO—Citizens of this small mountain community remained in a state of shock Wednesday as law enforcement officials continued their frantic, all-hours search for a ski that went missing last weekend.

'Ghost Hunters' Enjoys Surprising 100% Success Rate

LOS ANGELES—Despite the fact that in all of human history not one person has ever provided definitive empirical evidence of the afterlife, the crew of the second-tier cable network television show Ghost Hunters has shocked statisticians and t...

Congress Cuts Funding For 26-Year-Old Stepson

WASHINGTON—Leaders from both parties announced Tuesday that Congress has voted to cut funding for its 26-year-old stepson, Jeremy, whose education and living expenses have been federally subsidized since he and his mother moved in with the legislative branch in 1998.
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Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.