Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter

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Issue 4719

Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill...

Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs.

Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty.

Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets

WASHINGTON—The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told r...

The Post-College Job Hunt

Members of the class of 2011 are facing an anemic job market as the national unemployment rate hovers around 9 percent.

Area Nephew A Very Funny Young Man

TACOMA, WA—Calling him "quick" and "very clever," local aunt Maria Palmer, 47, confirmed Wednesday that her nephew Gregory Olsen is a very funny young man.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 9, 2011

Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon. Taurus You'll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching bea...

Team Owners Object to MLB's New Run-Sharing Agreement

NEW YORK—Major League Baseball's latest effort to achieve competitive parity by having larger-market teams share their runs with small-market teams drew fire last Wednesday after owners complained that the rule unfairly penalized better-performing c...

Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Professional Association of Custom Clothiers, NFL players, especially offensive linemen, generally look really weird in suits.

Athletes In Politics

Every now and then, someone from the world of sports decides his experience will translate to the political arena.
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Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter

SYRACUSE, NY—After enjoying his first taste of cashew butter Monday, blindsided local man Gus Darius declared that he was “utterly ashamed” of all the years he’d wasted on the far inferior taste of peanut butter. “You’d think it would be obvious, seeing as cashews taste way, way better than peanuts, but apparently that thought never managed to enter my thick fucking skull,” Darius told reporters, calling himself an “real asshole” for ever picking up and enjoying a jar of peanut butter. “Every day in college, I’d sit there with a thumb up my ass, eating PB and J sandwich like some kind of goddamned rube, and now I’ll never get those years back. Why did Mom never tell me about this? Fuck.” At press time, Darius had switched loyalties back to peanut butter, after realizing that a jar of cashew butter costs $8.99.