TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to ...

SUITLAND, MD—According to alarming new figures released Monday by the U.S. Census Bureau, the nation's population of mature adults has been pushed ...

DENTON, TX—Sources confirmed Friday that the life of local marketing associate Rich Hammond has been plagued by a series of glaring errors in continuity ...

CROWLEY, LA—According to friends of Brian and Stacey Stockton, the couple's 30-year marriage is currently hanging by a thread, with only their profound ...

ARLINGTON, VA—Scrambling to secure much-needed funding, the Public Broadcasting Service began its spring pledge drive Monday with the debut broadcast of Nova: Boobs A-Bouncin'.

WASHINGTON—As cameras snapped and members of the press looked on, neither President Obama nor members of the Tennessee Titans were able to provide any ...

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Former D-plus student and complete fuckup Malcolm Tibbets, 28, was recently entrusted by the Transportation Security Administration with the task of searching all ...

WASHINGTON—State Department diplomat Nelson Milstrand, who appeared on CNN last week and offered an informed, thoughtful analysis implying that Israel could perhaps exercise more ...

EUGENE, OR—Local insane person Nathan Yeckly admitted Tuesday that upon further reflection, several of the things he screamed at passing cars, pedestrians, and animals ...

Poring over materials seized during the raid in Pakistan, intelligence officials have discovered Osama bin Laden wanted to commit new acts of terror to drive ...

Aries You'll be pleasantly surprised by how many of your life's problems can be temporarily solved by just not paying attention. 

DALLAS—Already one game up in the Western Conference Finals and within sight of the NBA title, the Dallas Mavericks confirmed Thursday they were not ...

BOSTON—After Bulls guard Derrick Rose led the Bulls past the Hawks averaging almost 30 points in six games, concern rose among friends and family ...

NEW YORK— Despite the fact that the season is well over a month old and league standings are starting to take shape, Major League Baseball ...

OKLAHOMA CITY—Following their Game 7 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Sunday, Thunder players spent several hours wandering the streets of Oklahoma City in search ...

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to make a little extra money, former Minnesota Twins pitcher Scott Erickson placed his 1994 no-hitter against the Milwaukee Brewers up for sale ...

Climbing wall, food court, large-capacity fetus incinerators: Look inside Planned Parenthood's new abortionplex.

This 20-1 longshot wasn't presumed to be quick in the dirt, but he finished with a blistering final half-mile to win the 137th Kentucky ...

Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.

A scientific panel convened by the Vatican called upon people to work to reduce the emission of greenhouse gasses to slow global climate change.

The mayors of Fall River, MA and New Bedford, MA are seeking to ban Lazy Cakes, a brownie containing 8 milligrams of melatonin, claiming the ...

After telling Good Morning America she gave her 8-year-old Botox injections to make her more competitive in beauty pageants, California mother Kerry Campbell lost custody ...

In a radio interview Tuesday, presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said he thinks torture critic Sen. John McCain "doesn't understand how enhanced interrogation works." What ...

The Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team reports on whether the nation's waitresses are just being friendly.

A budget mix up causes Congress to accidentally fund schools …NFL Players look weird in suits, and a revealing discovery about the life of Gentle ...