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Issue 4721

Restaurant That Never Has Customers Celebrates Fifth Weird Year

CHICAGO—The Royale restaurant near Rogers Park commemorated its fifth weird year of business Monday the same way it celebrated its opening: with a vague attempt to attract customers by stringing brightly colored plastic flags from the mysterious eatery's storefront to a nearby utility pole.

Al-Qaeda's New Leadership

Following Osama bin Laden's death, the Egyptian-born Saif al-Adel has reportedly been named interim leader of al-Qaeda.

Bin Laden Returns To Sea

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—The colossal Osama bin Laden, having carved a swath of unimaginable destruction from New York to Washington, has reentered the ocean, dazed and terrified sources are confirming.

Enraged 500-Foot-Tall Bin Laden Rises From Sea, Destroys New York, Washington

UPDATE: Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington

NEW YORK—Just weeks after his body was buried at sea, Osama bin Laden burst forth from the ocean depths early this morning, rising to the monstrous height of 500 feet and rapidly making his way down the East Coast of the United States in a rampage expected to leave hundreds of thousands dead and easily eclipse 9/11 as the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 23, 2011

Aries Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep. Taurus Your quest to become the World's Greatest Lover will be derailed as...

Excited Padres Ask Manager If Cardinals Can Sleep Over

SAN DIEGO—Fired up after a fun night of having the St. Louis Cardinals over to play baseball, the San Diego Padres asked manager Bud Black if the visiting team could stay at their stadium for the night, sources confirmed Monday.

We In Golden Age Of Thing, Guy Who Likes Thing Reports

TULSA, OK—According to 37-year-old aficionado Niles Stefanovich, who said he's been following this for a really long time, we are currently living through a golden age of the thing he personally enjoys, takes great interest in, and is knowledgeable ...

Maple Syrup Reactors Safe, Canadian Prime Minister Reassures

OTTAWA—Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper addressed growing public concerns about the safety of his country's maple syrup reactors Thursday, reassuring citizens that the sucrose fission facilities posed little risk of failure and there was absolutely no reason to be concerned.

Russell Westbrook

Point guards are resurgent across the NBA, and there may be no better example of the modern point guard than Westbrook.

Astros Sold By Best Door-To-Door Salesman In The World

HOUSTON—Cliff Williams, the No. 1 door-to-door purveyor of electric razors, kitchen knives, and mechanical adding machines, confirmed Friday that he "sealed the deal" on his sale of the Houston Astros to businessman Jim Crane.

Player-Led Workouts

In a normal year, most NFL teams would be starting their minicamps right now. With the lockout in effect, some players have taken the initiative to organize workouts on their own, with varying degrees of success.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

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