Nation Wishes Area Man Were A Creep, But, Ugh, He's Actually Really Fucking Nice

Top Headlines

Issue 4723

Atlantic City Is Dying

Though it became a destination after voting to legalize gambling in 1976, Atlantic City now faces competition from casinos in Delaware and Pennsylvania, and next year it may drop to third place in gambling revenue.

Stanley Cup Finals vs. NBA Finals

Sports fans are in clover with the NBA and NHL championship series both currently in progress, providing an opportune moment to settle an age-old question: Which one is better?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Nation Wishes Area Man Were A Creep, But, Ugh, He's Actually Really Fucking Nice

WASHINGTON—Americans across the country admitted Monday that although they desperately wanted corporate lawyer Alex Saunders, 28, to be a huge creep, Christ, he's actually a super fucking nice guy. "I wanted to hate him, because he's so confident and has perfect hair and this handsome face you want to punch in, but, shit, he's just really awesome and friendly," said Houston resident Craig Diedrich, echoing the disappointment of 300 million other Americans. "Turns out he's also really great to his girlfriend. And even though she's so fucking gorgeous that she seems unapproachable, she's really nice, too. Goddamn it." The majority of the nation said that after talking to Saunders for five minutes they wanted to buy him a drink, but the successful lawyer had reportedly disappeared, only to return a few minutes later with a whole goddamned round of drinks for everyone.