Sources: C'mon, Just Give Us The Goddamn Pulitzer Already

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Issue 4725

Tireless, Hardworking Reporter Has Already Won Greatest Prize Of All

'The Love And Respect Of My Family And Community,' Esteemed Journalist Says

NEW YORK—Reflecting on a life and career in which he has so far not received any prestigious journalism awards, hardworking reporter Peter Chaykin announced this week that he has already gained the most meaningful and glorious prize possible: the un...

Media Watchdog Spokesman Sought On Embezzlement Charges

OMAHA, NE—According to FBI sources, the nonprofit media watchdog group Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes, or AFAJP, was ordered to cease operations Friday after its spokesman and president, Stephen Forbeck, was indicted on 24 coun...

Top This

An unforgettable piece of photo-journalism from The Onion that competing media organizations will certainly be unable to surpass this year.

Investigation Exposes eBay User For Selling Fake Pulitzer Medals

Shoddy Imitation Prizes A Total Rip-Off

NEW YORK—Intrepid Onion journalists saw their hard work pay off this week after an investigative report months in the making exposed fraudulent Milwaukee eBay seller Jake Noonan for unloading shoddy imitation Pulitzer Prize medals on unsuspec...

Reporter Spends Month Undercover In Mass Grave

SAN FERNANDO, MEXICO—In an effort to better connect with the men and women murdered by the Zetas drug cartel, Josh Sullivan, an investigative reporter for The Onion, eschewed modern conveniences and the comforts of home for a month, going undercover...

Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing

Almost No One

WASHINGTON—Though officials apparently assumed they would get away with a deeply corrupt inside deal Tuesday, this morning’s edition of The Onion confirmed that one news organization—and only one news organization—had been o...

Angela Merkel Opens Up To The Only Newspaper She Trusts

'The Work You Do Is So Important'

BERLIN—German chancellor Angela Merkel once again gave an exclusive interview to The Onion Tuesday, stating that the publication's undying commitment to journalistic excellence makes it the only newspaper she trusts.

Preparing For Your Night Out

When gearing up for a fun night out with friends, there are a lot of factors to consider. Here are some things to keep in mind as you’re getting ready:

Dirk Nowitzki

 The Mavericks' 7-footer just shrugged off cries of "soft" and defeated the Heat's Big Three to pick up a championship trophy and a Finals MVP Award. Is he any good?

How Powerhouse Teams Came Up Short

The factors in the collapse of the Heat's supposedly unstoppable Big Three will be analyzed for a long time, and as we've seen in the past, juggernauts disappoint for many reasons. 1980 Soviet national hockey team: Goal-rationing 1990 Mi...

America Just Now Remembering How Much They Hate Dallas

WASHINGTON—After feelings of elation over the Miami Heat losing the NBA Finals started to fade this week, Americans across the country suddenly began to remember how much they actually hate the city of Dallas, the Mavericks, and their “total f...
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Election 2016

Sources: C'mon, Just Give Us The Goddamn Pulitzer Already

NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Friday that it’s time to cut the shit and hand over the goddamn Pulitzer Prize already. According to visibly frustrated officials with extensive knowledge of the situation, we’ve been beating around the bush long enough and we’re done playing around, so let’s go, hand over the fucking thing. Now. You know what, sources added, fine, don’t give us the fucking award, keep it, we don’t care, we never wanted your stupid piece-of-shit prize anyway. Christ, sources concluded, this has all been very humiliating. Fuck.