VATICAN CITY—In a stunning and unexpected reversal of long-standing doctrine, Pope Benedict XVI proclaimed the Roman Catholic Church's unequivocal support for gay marriage ...

BEIJING—In what it's describing as a magnanimous gesture toward an economy in decline, the Chinese government announced Monday it would forgive a portion ...

EUGENE, OR—A small, somewhat spherical clay thing with various types of decorations on it was purchased Friday at the ninth annual Eugene Arts Festival ...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following a long and difficult delivery, weary but jubilant doctors announced that at 8:23 a.m. Tuesday, area mother Cathleen Jericho had ...

BLAIRSVILLE, GA—Having been saddled with the nickname for years, a 27-year-old man known to his friends as "Dumptruck" told reporters Tuesday that he fears ...

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama told reporters Tuesday he was surprised and "a bit unsettled" that he had not received a single e-mail, phone call, or ...

AMHERST, MA—According to a study published Friday by experts who can tell just by looking at you, you have got to be aware that ...

DAYTON, OH—Local woman Jessica Hartley, 26, confirmed Tuesday that she always has a backup problem handy just in case her initial predicament is resolved ...

CHICAGO—While acknowledging it was "sad" and "kind of depressing to think about," sources close to local man Nathan Bosnic admitted Friday that a $50 ...

NORRISTOWN, PA—Despite receiving a “check-plus” on his three-page school project entitled “World War II,” fourth-grader Joe Fisher’s work grossly overlooks the full significance ...

The launch of Atlantis last week marked the final mission of NASA's shuttle program.

Aries You're sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers. Taurus ...

BOSTON—Third baseman Kevin Youkilis reportedly posted a sign-up sheet for a threesome in the Red Sox dugout Monday, encouraging players and coaches to join ...

MIAMI—Umpire Laz Diaz displayed an unusual amount of leniency Sunday, allowing a clearly tagged Hanley Ramirez to take third base regardless of his failed ...

PHOENIX—Baseball fans across the country have registered their excitement for Tuesday night’s MLB All-Star game, saying they can’t wait to watch the ...

The bars are closed, but you and your friends still want to hang out. Here are some ways to continue the good times.

You're tired from a late night out with friends, and you have to be up for breakfast with your parents.

It can be hard to organize a large group and reach a consensus on where to go. Here are some ways to make it easier ...

Our handy viewer's guide continues this week with a comprehensive guide to a thrilling sport rich in tradition.

After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

As the economy continues to falter, militias and hate groups are on the rise in the American Northwest.

Investigators at the Centers for Disease Control have identified a new strain of gonorrhea that is resistant to the effects of most antibiotics.

Sherwood Schwartz, creator of The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island, died Tuesday at the age of 94.

Great News, Mr. The Onion! For a limited time, enjoy complimentary access to The New York Times online. Just use access code: pleasegoddontabandonusnowplease. Bill Keller ...

Dear The Onion, I've located a typo on page 32 of the last issue and have made sure to include a copy of the ...

In today's Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that Joe Biden has replaced his Secret Service detail with a trio of sexy female bodyguards.

Congress has pledged to consider looking into new sanctions following North Korea's eradication of all life on the Asian continent.

China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls ...