Family Requests Privacy During This Unbelievably Awesome Time

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Issue 4729

Nation's School Systems Held Back A Year

WASHINGTON—Having continued to display learning deficits and a failure to reach basic educational milestones, the nation's school systems will be asked to repeat the academic year, sources confirmed Friday.

News Corp. Under Fire For Cell Phone Hacks

Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, the parent company of Fox News, is under scrutiny following reports that its paper The News Of The World hired people to hack into the phones of politicians, murder victims, and relatives of soldi...

City Opens New Art Jail

SAN FRANCISCO—City officials announced the opening of a new maximum-security art jail Tuesday, unveiling a modern detention facility designed to imprison a large population of high-profile paintings and sculptures. The brightly lit four-story struct...

These Summer Movies Are Blockbusting My Wallet!

In a world… Where dollars have no meaning… And retirement funds are running out… One man and his bank account must fight to survive. This summer, it's Roger "The Rock-ger" Dudek in… The $10 Movie: 3-D(ollars for a ...

'Sports' Wins 11th Consecutive ESPY For 'Best Thing'

LAS VEGAS—As expected, Wednesday night's ESPN awards culminated in a win for the recreational competitive activity 'Sports' in the Best Thing category, soundly beating perennial runners-up Girls, Food and Beverages, and Consumer Electronics for the ...

Congress Spotted Leaving Gay Nightclub

WASHINGTON—According to numerous eyewitness reports, all 535 members of Congress were seen late Sunday night stumbling out of Mermaids, a gay nightclub in Washington, D.C.

U.S. Quietly Slips Out Of Afghanistan In Dead Of Night

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In what officials said was the "only way" to move on from what has become a "sad and unpleasant" situation, all 100,000 U.S. military and intelligence personnel crept out of their barracks in the dead of night Sunday and quietly slipped out of Afghanistan.

Hope Solo

American sports fans are falling in love with the goalkeeper of the U.S. women’s national soccer team, at least partially because of her performance against Brazil in the World Cup.
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Family Requests Privacy During This Unbelievably Awesome Time

COLUMBIA, SC—The Whittaker family asked for privacy Saturday night as they struggled to come to terms with the awesome events of their ridiculously fun week. “Given the nature of what happened here, we would greatly appreciate it if you would respect our privacy during this bitchin’ time so as not to distract anyone from all of the cool shit happening to us," said a spokesperson for the family, wearing a tuxedo with an unfastened bow tie. “Therefore, we will not be making any further comments to the media for the foreseeable future. Woooo!” In lieu of flowers, the family respectfully asked that people send pizza and beer and keep it coming.