WASHINGTON—Following Sunday’s pathetic excuse for an agreement on raising the government’s borrowing limit, Democrats and Republicans took time to celebrate the meager ...

SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke ...

WASHINGTON—A day after signing legislation that raised the government debt ceiling and authorized steep budget cuts, President Obama thanked Democrats as well as Democrats ...

GREENWOOD, IN—Despite being only 11 years old, local kid David Bailey is absolutely fucking massive—just an absolute Mack truck of a boy—astonished ...

CARMEL, CA—Approximately 45 minutes into a dinner party at their beachfront home Friday, Tom and Julie Raskin's six guests listened on in total ...

HARRISBURG, PA—A runaway conversation was successfully returned to its proper subject Saturday when 36-year-old Clark Hanneford regained control of a post-work chat session that ...

WASHINGTON—In a move to combat record-high temperatures and facilitate some much-needed cross-country ventilation, the Department of Housing and Urban Development announced Friday it had ...

WASHINGTON—In a hastily called press conference broadcast live on all major television networks this morning, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Margaret A.

LOS ANGELES—After a chance spotting of Danny DeVito at Los Angeles International Airport on Friday, vacationer Ted Appleby was surprised to find the actor ...

WASHINGTON—After months of heated negotiations and failed attempts to achieve any kind of consensus, President Obama turned 50 years old Thursday, drawing strong criticism ...

WASHINGTON—Urging the 14 million Americans without jobs not to get their hopes up, officials from the Department of Labor cau≠tiously announced Tuesday that ...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite having no reason for entering the store, 39-year-old Pat Arneson reportedly stopped into a local Best Buy Tuesday, browsed through the various ...

AVONDALE, AZ—According to new projections released Monday, the white members of the Donaldson family are expected to find themselves in the minority by 2027.

The discovery of a new fossil suggests the archaeopteryx may have been more of a bird-like dinosaur than a dinosaur-like bird.

Aries You'll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting ...

CHICAGO—Facing the cruel prospect of winning 200 grueling games in his interminable 19-season career, 44-year-old Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield tried to get a ...

TUALATIN, OR—Twenty-seven-year-old local resident Tom Portwood reportedly watched the X Games for nearly a half-hour Saturday, curious to see if that kid who skateboarded ...

SOUTH AMERICA?—Following what must have been a successful on-field achievement Sunday, a professional, semi-professional, or possibly amateur male soccer player wearing a sky-blue shirt ...

PHILADELPHIA—Team doctors expressed their concern about the future of Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton Tuesday after the goatee that has plagued him nearly his entire ...

The lockout has ended, and NFL players are finally in training camp under a new deal with the league. We look at exactly what the ...

Facing a $445 fine, a South Carolina woman will go to trial to let a jury determine whether the fake oversized testicles hanging off the ...

According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S.

Facing fiscal crisis, a number of states—including Texas, Wisconsin, and Kansas—are cutting their arts budgets or eliminating them altogether.

Following a six-week investigation, a New Jersey Dunkin’ Donuts cashier was arrested for propositioning customers for sex.

After a brief suspension, a Pennsylvania teacher will be returning to work at the same high school whose students, faculty, and administrators she criticized in ...

A high-end prostitute divulges she had sex with that one actor whose name who has brown hair and was in all those movies.

In the Daily Briefing, Obama asks the nation to "be cool" while his friends Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni are in town.

Ben Bernanke drunkenly tells everyone at a local bar how screwed the U.S. economy really is, an area dog's rock bottom is the ...