WASILLA, AK—Sarah Palin's political team was forced to do emergency damage control Monday after the former Alaska governor's daughter Bristol accidentally divulged ...

WASHINGTON—Calling a GOP victory in the 2012 presidential election antithetical to the party platform, top Republicans revealed a new long-term political strategy Tuesday: reelecting ...

ST. PAUL, MN—In a shockingly selfish pattern of behavior that has occurred repeatedly over the past six months, local 8-year-old and whiny brat Sean ...

CLEVELAND—According to Indians team sources, an investigator within the fraud department of Visa phoned Cleveland owner Larry Dolan Thursday to discuss unusual activity on ...

DENVER—Broncos center J.D. Walton called a team meeting Monday to apologize to players and coaches for inadvertently snapping the ball to third-string quarterback ...

BOULDER, CO—According to economic experts, local man and complete reject Dale Everett, 37, remains 100 percent unaffected by the dramatic ups and downs of ...

NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay ...

PRINCETON, NJ—Even while posing for a picture alongside impoverished people he helped provide humanitarian aid to, college junior Dave Morris—with that smug, know-it-all ...

WASHINGTON—Disappointed with the way the nation has been managing its money, the Treasury Department announced Wednesday it had begun requiring citizens to seek government ...

WASHINGTON—With Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the policy on gay men and women serving in the military, set to expire Sept.

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Astronomers at the University of California, Santa Cruz, announced Friday that preliminary studies of Gliese 581g, a habitable planet orbiting a red ...

WASHINGTON—In the latest administration initiative meant to reassure citizens nervous about the slow pace of economic recovery, President Obama proposed a tax hike this ...

NEW YORK—Infuriating tens of thousands nationwide, 26-year-old microblogger Travis Yates reportedly had the goddamn nerve to appear on Good Morning America Friday just days ...

FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly ...

NEW YORK—Moviegoers were reportedly impressed this weekend by the ability of an independent feature produced on an $80,000 budget to be just as ...

Budweiser, the second-bestselling beer in the United States, is giving its can a new design featuring red, blue, and gold motif.

Aries The Virgin Mary will appear in a dream and tell you to go forth in the world to help the poor and needy, causing ...

The Onion News Network is now 20 percent louder than any other network on television.

CANTON, OH—In his fourth year of eligibility, eight-time Pro Bowler Cris Carter, who scored 130 receiving touchdowns on 1,101 receptions over the course ...

PITTSBURGH—In order to deepen some holes in their lineup and increase their chances of a second-half collapse, the Pittsburgh Pirates acquired first baseman Derrek ...

MANKATO, MN—Newly acquired Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Michael Jenkins told reporters Tuesday he was struggling to finish reading his new playbook, calling it tedious ...

ST. LOUIS—Saying he wasn’t about to make an idiot out of himself on national television by splaying across the field like some kind ...

With the shortened NFL free-agency period overlapping baseball's trade deadline, there has been a lot of player movement recently. 

 Flamboyant, outspoken receiver Randy Moss has retired after 13 NFL seasons, some brilliant, some bad, none boring. Was he any good?

Several groups, including the Texas ACLU, have voiced their opposition to Texas governor Rick Perry's participation in a day of Christian prayer and fasting ...

Three large explosions on the surface of the sun may affect satellite technology, communication systems, and the power grid.

A study published in the journal Pediatrics showed that most meats and vegetables parents packed in their children’s lunches were not kept in a ...

Newsstand sales of magazines decreased 9.2 percent in the first half of 2011. What do you think?

On tonight's In My Sights, Brooke reminds songwriters that DJs are professionals, not slaves who can be ordered to "play that song."

Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive ...