Catcher Doesn't Have Heart To Throw Out Stealing Johnny Damon

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Issue 4734

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report.

Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunn...

PayPal Founder To Create Island

Peter Thiel, the founder of PayPal and an early investor in Facebook, is putting $1.25 million of his own money toward the creation of artificial libertarian island-nations. 

McDonald's Unveils New Senior Citizen PlayPlace

OAK BROOK, IL—In an effort to accommodate an aging customer base and make the McDonald's experience "super fun for seniors 65 to 95," the fast-food chain unveiled its new Senior Citizen PlayPlaces Wednesday.

Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth

LOS ANGELES—According to a study released Wednesday by the California Pain Medicine Center, subjects suffering from male- pattern baldness were found to experience a level of physical pain at least seven times more intense than that experienced by w...

Nation's Celebrities Not Famous Enough, Publicists Agree

LOS ANGELES—In a group statement released Monday to all known broadcast, cable, online, and print news outlets, publicists from throughout the entertainment industry urgently warned that the nation's celebrities remain "dangerously under-famous...

Report: No One Over 13 Wants To Play QB For Redskins

ASHBURN, VA—Though the Washington Redskins are currently attempting to decide on their starting quarterback, no person older than the age of 13 has shown any enthusiasm about the position, team sources confirmed Sunday.

Dan Uggla

Uggla's 33-consecutive-game hit streak was the longest in the majors in five years. Is he any good?
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Catcher Doesn't Have Heart To Throw Out Stealing Johnny Damon

ARLINGTON, TX—Compassionate Texas Rangers catcher Mike Napoli could not bring himself to throw out Rays’ 37-year-old outfielder Johnny Damon as he attempted to steal second base Tuesday, allowing the two-time All Star to safely take the bag in the top of the seventh inning. “I honestly had all the time in the world to throw him out, but I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of everybody,” Napoli told reporters after the game, adding that it would have broken his heart to watch Damon get thrown out by such a large margin. “If he goes home tonight thinking that he ran so fast that it didn’t even warrant a throw, then so be it. The guy deserves his dignity.” Sources close to Napoli confirmed that Damon called Napoli the day after the game to say “Thank you.”