WASHINGTON—A report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that after more than four years of financial hardship, a majority of Americans now ...

WASHINGTON—In a stunning emergency session Wednesday, all 535 members of Congress unanimously agreed to pool what remained of their political capital and bet the ...

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how ...

HOUSTON—In a study published Monday, several representatives from the Institute of Sports Psychology advanced the theory that Tiger Woods' recent string of poor performances ...

WASHINGTON—Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced Thursday that the Transportation Security Administration, the Border Patrol, and all levels of U.S.

LOS ANGELES—According to a study released Wednesday by the California Pain Medicine Center, subjects suffering from male- pattern baldness were found to experience a ...

OAK BROOK, IL—In an effort to accommodate an aging customer base and make the McDonald's experience "super fun for seniors 65 to 95 ...

TRIPOLI—An uneasy voice inside the head of cheering Libyan rebel Ahmed Jibril reportedly said, "Oh, fuck, now what?" Wednesday as the jubilant fighter celebrated ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Following the resignation of Apple founder Steve Jobs, incoming CEO Tim Cook called a meeting of shareholders and members of the press Thursday ...

LANSING, MI—Appearing tired, agitated, and "a lot fussier than usual," whining 398-month-old Jeff Burnsworth reportedly threw a big tantrum Saturday evening.

WASHINGTON—GOP officials claimed credit Thursday for the Libyan people’s liberation from Col.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Americans across the nation told reporters Wednesday that with the collapse of Muammar Qaddafi’s despotic regime, they were preparing to savor ...

OKLAHOMA CITY—Facing a budget shortfall, the State of Oklahoma announced Thursday it would cease to conduct capital punishment by lethal injection and would instead ...

Peter Thiel, the founder of PayPal and an early investor in Facebook, is putting $1.25 million of his own money toward the creation of ...

Libra: Your pessimism and negativity are usually misplaced, but they'll be perfectly appropriate when your elevator plunges into the flames Thursday.

Point As Long As You're Smiling, Nothing Can Get You Down Now and again we all find ourselves feeling a little bit "blue." That ...

UNITED STATES—A racially diverse group gathered in the living room of a stylish and well-appointed apartment earlier this week to enjoy various snack items ...

BRISTOL, CT—Basing his argument on an entirely meaningless preseason game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, a deranged idiot came to ...

DENVER—Jesus Christ, noted Son of God and football analyst proclaimed Monday that second-year Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow lacks the pocket presence, arm strength, and ...

ASHBURN, VA—Though the Washington Redskins are currently attempting to decide on their starting quarterback, no person older than the age of 13 has shown ...

BOURBONNAIS, IL—Despite struggling through the first three weeks of training camp, Bears offensive line coach Mike Tice told a group of reporters Tuesday he ...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Despite holding a lead with 13 minutes left to play in the fourth quarter, Notre Dame fell short in an intra-squad scrimmage ...

BEIJING—The bench-clearing brawl during last week’s exhibition game between the Georgetown Hoyas and China’s Bayi Rockets was merely the latest incident in ...

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 ...

NEW YORK—The New York Yankees fanbase, known for its level headed and reasonable disposition, released a collective statement Monday claiming that, should MVP candidate ...

INDIANAPOLIS—Green Bay Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji admitted Friday that it may not have been a good decision to eat a burrito, cheeseburger ...

ARLINGTON, TX—Compassionate Texas Rangers catcher Mike Napoli could not bring himself to throw out Rays’ 37-year-old outfielder Johnny Damon as he attempted to steal ...

With college football season almost upon us, it's time to take a look at where the top teams rank in the preseason polls.

As the University of Miami is investigated for illegal dealings between players and boosters, Onion Sports offers this handy guide to what is alleged to ...

Uggla's 33-consecutive-game hit streak was the longest in the majors in five years. Is he any good?

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

As a publicity stunt, Abercrombie & Fitch has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not to wear its clothing line, saying they believe an association ...

A TV show about extreme coupon use has been blamed for an uptick in the number of newspapers stolen from driveways, newstands, and coin-operated dispensers ...

Libyan rebels had captured most of Tripoli Monday, spelling the end of dictator Muammar Qaddafi's reign.

Despite a report that Jerry Lewis and the Muscular Dystrophy Association had reconciled, for the first time in 45 years the comedian will not be ...

Said to be in poor health, Apple CEO Steve Jobs stepped down late Wednesday. What do you think?

A Russian rocket carrying nearly 3 tons of supplies for the International Space Station crashed five minutes after takeoff, an accident expected to delay the ...

Dear The Onion, I really like what you're doing with the masthead. There's lots of names. Must be an exciting place. Kim, Las ...

Dear The Onion, I'm a cartoonist! Check it out: Garfield goes to the doctor and can't get an appointment because he lost his ...

Congress has awarded every victimized subgroup gaming rights as way to "pull themselves back up."

The ability of Comic Sans to make even the most tedious text fun has long been a mystery.

Nation's students to give American education system yet another chance, man overcomes alcoholism without Jesus by his side, and study shows: 96% of humans ...

Congress bets the farm on one last big bill, publicists agree that the nation's celebrities are in dire need of more fame, and Jesus ...

Get Out Of My Face has the latest on the Colts' All-Pro quarterback, who took matters into his own hands and surgically repaired his own ...