UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.
NEW YORK—Despite the surprising coincidence of finding a perfectly formed swastika amidst the broken girders of the Twin Towers, 9/11 memorial curators have opted not to display the symbol, choosing instead to leave it in the storage facility where ...
President Obama will earn $300,000 for stimulus purposes by appearing in a series of Japanese commercials, the nation's cable news networks promise not to go overboard with their September 11th coverage, and a shitty zoo is promoting the hell out of its new fruit bat. It's the week of September 5th, 2011.
'Go Fill Yourself A Nice Pothole,' Say Republicans
WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.
Perry To Make Executing Prisoners Central Campaign Theme NEW YORK, NY (SEPTEMBER 8, 2011) - In response to the raucous applause he received for proudly defending his record of executing 234 inmates during his time as Governor of Texas at last nig...
WICHITA, KS—Desperately hoping to raise its profile and boost attendance, the Wichita Zoo, long considered one of the crappiest zoos in the United States, is using every resource at its disposal to promote the hell out of a new fruit bat, sources re...
NEW YORK—In a controversial decision to crack down on gaudy displays of jubilation, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Wednesday to fine fans thousands of dollars for celebrating excessively in the stands.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to obtain badly needed revenue for the ailing U.S. economy, President Barack Obama recently appeared in a 30-second television spot for the popular Japanese snack product Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese, White House sources reported Wednesday.
MADISON, WI—According to sources, former lovers John Breneman and Ingrid Matay returned Friday to the coffeehouse they had frequented in college, stoking the last dying embers of their feelings for each other and sharing one final cliché.
EMPORIA, KS—Three civilians attending a pro-democracy demonstration in Syria were shot dead by their government’s armed forces Tuesday while local man Tom Burchett was reportedly trying to decide whether or not to draft Neil Rackers with his f...
INDIANAPOLIS—The NCAA unveiled a new set of college football recruitment rules Monday, restricting teams from communicating with high school athletes using anything other than a wink or a raised eyebrow.
NEW YORK—Promising to cover the event responsibly and with the kind of delicate restraint it deserves, the nation's cable news outlets announced Monday that while they would be devoting some airtime to the 10th anniversary of 9/11, they "certainly wouldn't be going overboard with it."
MARION, AR—Though intended to cheer up family members, the unflagging optimism of 4-year-old Shelby Cooper has served only to exacerbate the financial stress her parents have experienced since her father lost his job two years ago, sources reported Monday.
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—After defeating a Japanese team 2-1 to win the Little League World Series, the 12-year-old champions from Huntington Beach, CA are, without a doubt, up to their ears in pussy, sources reported Friday.
All experts agree that the failing U.S. economy is no reason not to invest in print media, Dick Cheney's new memoir reveals he's going to live a long, happy life and we're powerless to stop him., and Charmin introduces a new disposable toilet paper. It's the week of August 29th, 2011.
Network To Air Exclusive Pre-Natal Interview With Singer's Fetus
New York, NY (August 31, 2011) - Just days after the announcement of pop megastar Beyonce Knowles' pregnancy took tabloids and celebrity gossip websites by storm, the Onion News Netwo...
New York, NY (August 25, 2011) - Natural disasters are sweeping the East Coast of our great nation: An Earthquake struck Tuesday afternoon in Virginia, and a hurricane is currently making its way north from Florida.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
BROKEN ARROW, OK—Admitting it had no idea what it was supposed to do with the dozens of preservatives and flavor enhancers, the stomach of local man Shawn Harper reportedly set aside the synthetic additives that the 33-year-old consumed during lunch Thursday until it had a few minutes to figure out how to properly digest them.