Aide Interrupts Event To Inform Bush About 10th Anniversary Of 9/11

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Issue 4736

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

'Go Fill Yourself A Nice Pothole,' Say Republicans

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.

Cheney's New Memoir

Former vice president Dick Cheney promised to have 'heads exploding' with his new memoir, In My Time. Here are some revelations from the book:

Shitty Zoo Promoting Hell Out Of New Fruit Bat

WICHITA, KS—Desperately hoping to raise its profile and boost attendance, the Wichita Zoo, long considered one of the crappiest zoos in the United States, is using every resource at its disposal to promote the hell out of a new fruit bat, sources re...

NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

NEW YORK—In a controversial decision to crack down on gaudy displays of jubilation, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Wednesday to fine fans thousands of dollars for celebrating excessively in the stands. 

Former Lovers Meet In Coffee Shop For One Last Cliché

MADISON, WI—According to sources, former lovers John Breneman and Ingrid Matay returned Friday to the coffeehouse they had frequented in college, stoking the last dying embers of their feelings for each other and sharing one final cliché.

Saints vs. Packers

The 2011 NFL Kickoff game showcases the past two Super Bowl winners, so we'll see how bad those famous hangovers can be.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.