SMYRNA, GA—Foretelling a brave new epoch in Cumberland Mall T-Mobile store history, a grand "Under New Management" sign was triumphantly unfurled across the retailer's front window Saturday morning. Sources said the 2-by-4-foot weatherized...
"Onion Destitute Channel" Will Cater To Growing Demographic Of Americans Living In Poverty
NEW YORK, NY (September 15, 2011) - Following this week's report from the U.S. Census Bureau that more Americans than ever are living below the pov...
Kenny and Doc finish today's Get Out Of My Face with a rapid-fire NFL "Gun To Your Head," discussing Michael Vick's dog killing history in Atlanta, Donovan McNabb's faked death, and Peyton Manning's neck transplant.
WASHINGTON—The Smithsonian Museum of American History has politely declined to accept the striped-blue tie worn by actor Dylan McDermott during the "Of Thee I Sing" episode in the seventh season of The Practice.
WASHINGTON—Top financial experts announced this morning that any chance for the struggling U.S. economy to improve now rests solely on the shoulders of Spokane, WA resident Bill Loughlin, who is currently browsing the power tools section at Sears.
WASHINGTON—A new study released Monday by the U.S. Labor Department found that women, who currently earn 23 cents less on the dollar when doing the same work as men, should in fact be earning only 20 cents less than their male counterparts.
RUMSON, NJ—After more than a year of writing and recording, Bruce Springsteen released his 18th studio album Tuesday, a concept record titled Red Dust that explores the everyday lives and struggles of immigrant workers scraping by in the 23rd-century carbonate mines on Mars.
The nerve of you people. Treating a longtime patron with so little respect, like I'm just another walking dollar sign. If that's what passes for customer service around here, you sadly leave me with no choice but to have the exact same experience at another giant soulless multinational corporation somewhere else.
NEW YORK—In a moving and beautiful ceremony held atop Lower Manhattan's gleaming, 120-story-tall Freedom Tower, the nation commemorated the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks by raising a glass to the stable democracy of Afghanistan and to a decade of unprecedented peace and prosperity across the globe.
On Sunday, September 11, Americans will commemorate the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks that ended nearly 3,000 lives. As part of this remembrance, The Onion looks back at the 12 most important stories that happened in the wake of 9/11.
NEW YORK—Citing a responsibility to honor coworkers lost on Sept. 11, 2001, Continental Sports Channel managing editor and former Sports Night executive producer Dana Whitaker announced that a memorial service would be held Sunday near the sh...
‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO
DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
EDMOND, OK—Following weeks of deliberation during which he carefully considered what sort of life he wanted for himself, 4-month-old baby Nathan Reynolds announced Wednesday that he had decided to be homosexual. “I thought about it for a long ...