Issue 4738

Doc Martin

PBS 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC You cannot make fun of your parents for watching this inoffensive, PBS-friendly British import and start to get sucked into it at the same time. You must choose.

Obama Stumping Jobs Bill

Since announcing his American Jobs Act in a speech before Congress this month, President Obama has been traveling the country to promote the plan.

Bugs Infesting Area Apartment Have No Clear Goal

BUFFALO, NY—Residents in a downtown apartment questioned the goals and motives of the bugs infesting their home this week after watching cockroaches wander aimlessly from room to room with no apparent objective.

Rick Perry's Alaska

Discovery 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT It takes a Texan to really pick a bouquet of flowers in the Matanuska Valley.

Obama Visits South-Carolina-Ravaged South Carolina

COLUMBIA, SC—Calling the devastation "heartbreaking and appalling," President Barack Obama toured South-Carolina-ravaged South Carolina Tuesday, vowing never to turn his back on the 4.6 million residents whose lives have been turned upside...

They're Canceling My Favorite Soap!

Once in a while, something happens that is so out of nowhere and so inexplicable it leaves you gasping for words. And that something happened last month, when it was announced my very favorite soap opera Brink Of Destiny would be going off the air in September!

Distressed Nation Turns To Poet Laureate For Solace

FRESNO, CA—Struggling through difficult times marked by war, economic despair, and political turmoil, the country turned en masse this week to the nation's newly appointed poet laureate, seeking solace in his words as so many generations of Americans have in the words of laureates past.

Dancing With The Star

ABC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT A traffic jam on the 405 forces producers to come up with an impromptu fix: an out-of-step group dance in which each of the contestants is technically touching Ricki Lake.

Justin Verlander

Detroit's Justin Verlander has 23 wins for the Tigers this season, prompting talk that he deserves the MVP despite only playing every fifth game. Is he any good?

Everyone On Seahawks A Bad Secret Weapon

SEATTLE—Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said in a press conference Friday that the Seahawks would be one of the biggest surprises of the 2011 season, as the team is entirely made up of bad secret weapons.

Eli Manning Buys Silly Hat To Make Himself Feel Better

NEW YORK—Following a demoralizing 14-28 loss to the Redskins Sunday in which he threw an interception and no touchdowns, Giants quarterback Eli Manning attempted to cheer himself up with the purchase of an oversized green leprechaun-style top hat. 

B.J. Upton Greeted By Teammates After Historic Circumnavigation Of Bases

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—With warm welcomes and loud exclamations of relief from his Rays teammates, Tampa Bay outfielder B.J. Upton was greeted at home plate Sunday after returning from a perilous, arduous circumnavigation of the Tropicana Field bases, a journey that ended at the very same spot it began.
End Of Section
  • More News

Public Bathroom's Condition Encapsulates Why World's Problems Are Unfixable

The nation turns to our poet laureate for solace, General Mills releases a new line of Lucky Charms with 15% less leprechaun meat, and the first gay "Dear John" letters begin arriving overseas. It's the week of September 19th, 2011.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close