WASHINGTON—With the United States facing a daunting array of problems at home and abroad, leading historians courteously reminded the nation Thursday that when making ...
'We Need $12 Trillion Or All These Kids Die'
WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the ...
DENVER—Barista Andrew Fulton was reportedly underwhelmed Friday by the customer response to his final day at St. Mark's Coffeehouse, saying that after his ...
PITTSBURGH—Since discovering the electronics retailer by chance at the beginning of his ritual period of experimentation outside the strict regimen of the Amish life ...
DALLAS—Otherwise intelligent consumer Nancy Overton was once again deceived by the cosmetics industry Tuesday when she shelled out $20 for eye makeup that promised ...
SACRAMENTO, CA—Faced with a mandate to cut the state's prison population by 30,000, the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation announced Monday ...
ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—According to a statement released Tuesday by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the babies born in 2011 have thus far been ...
BRENTWOOD, CA—Black Eyed Peas vocalist Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson told reporters Wednesday her contract with the group has expired, legally allowing her to wear pants ...
CHARLOTTE, NC—In the midst of performing an emergency appendectomy Thursday, panicked ER doctor Caleb Morrison dropped his surgical instruments mid-operation and dialed 911.
WASHINGTON— A congressional spokesperson informed the FBI that talks have stalled on the Senate floor and lawmakers will need more time to debate the proposed ...
GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits ...
After 31 years together, the Athens, GA–based band R.E.M. has announced it is breaking up.
Taurus There aren't many people who get as angry at a poorly made Manhattan cocktail as you do, making it very easy for investigators ...
COTTONWOOD, AZ—Worker Ant #354311 and Worker Ant #354432 had a little fun with Worker Ant #357208 by spreading food pheromones that didn't lead ...
DAYTON, OH—In his fifth telling of the story of how he got mugged last week, Mike Froberg decided to say it was at gunpoint.
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—With the U-Haul packed up, Josh Powell was looking to begin his new life wherever there was, at least, 12 feet of ...
EDMOND, OK—Down by six points and at fourth and goal with only two seconds left in the game, impassioned football coach Joe McDonald once ...
WHEATON, IL—Anthony Marinos, whose breath always smells like a melon breeze, declined his friend's gum offer.
ELIZABETH, NJ—After mourning her breakup for a record eight months, Emily Hays finally shut the fuck up and moved the hell on.
TAMPA, FL—Street vendor Richie Arnez likes his chances of selling more can cosies now that the taglines on them are snappier and just a ...
DENTON, TX—Brett Greene, 11, successfully threw a rock at a fence and everyone cheered.
Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) - With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October ...
FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to relieve the stress of the Patriots’ disappointing 31-34 loss to the Buffalo Bills, New England head coach Bill Belichick ...
CHARLOTTE, NC—With 83 total throwing attempts in the first two games of the season, Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton has proven to critics that ...
INDIANAPOLIS—NBC play-by-play announcer Al Michaels interrupted the broadcast of the Steelers-Colts game Sunday to ask color commentator Cris Collinsworth if they could talk about ...
MINNEAPOLIS—The scrappy Minnesota Twins continued to claw and fight their way down to the bottom of the standings last Wednesday, stringing together the league ...
SYRACUSE, NY—In a hastily delivered statement from the passenger side of the young woman’s lime-green Hyundai Tiburon, Syracuse University announced Sunday it was ...
PHOENIX—According to a new report released by the Elias Sports Bureau on Friday, the Arizona Diamondbacks are without a doubt in the 2011 MLB ...
PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians ...
In the suburban environment, tensions can build over something as simple as an unraked lawn. Here are some ways you can keep the peace with ...
There are still seven undefeated teams in the NFL, and as usual, they're not the ones you might expect.
Mayweather is taking a lot of heat for his strange legal-but-uncool victory over Victor Ortiz last week.
Cell phone video posted on Twitter by one of the kidnapped school children in today's Congressional hostage situation.
Two American hikers who were captured and accused of spying when they strayed across the border into Iran have been freed after 26 months.
After trying for more than a decade to create a computer model for a protein key to the reproduction of HIV, scientists turned to online ...
Former president and current prime minister Vladimir Putin of Russia announced at a meeting of his party that he would run for president again in ...
The cost of health insurance premiums in the United States rose 9 percent this year, nearly three times the rate of increase seen in 2010.
Brooke discusses the value of drunk texting when trying to intimidate or freak out an old flame, but says that there are definitely instances when ...
Beyond the Fact's Jean Anne Whorton uncovers the illegal blood sport of spouse-fighting, where shady gamblers bait disgruntled wives and husbands to viciously tear ...
Brooke gives her opinion on different lying techniques in Washington after a viewer asks her whether it's worse when Republicans lie or when President ...
An asteroid is about to destroy the Earth.
An asteroid is about to destroy the Earth.
An asteroid is about to destroy the Earth.
An asteroid is about to destroy the Earth.
On This Day In History, the first boombox-carrying congressman skated his way into the Capitol. (Aired 10/4/11)
Pennington, IL mayor Sue Hallinan resigns in shame after passing bad coupons at the local Kroger. (Aired 10/4/11)
The Onion incorrectly reported that police are investigating a homicide at 1 Regent Square. The crime was in fact regicide.
Last night we pushed a man into the printing press. The Onion regrets any dark stripes covering the left side of your page.
HGTV
10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT
A pair of newly-deads are looking to haunt their first house in the Dallas area, but ...
NCB 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Having no new case to solve this week, the detectives sit around and talk about the ...
ABC Family
7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT
Sarah Girlio is still the odd-Sarah-out in a school full of Sarahs, but things are ...
Bravo
10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT
The team at the bakery is told to stop yelling and relax since they're only ...
Bravo
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT
A panel of judges has 44 minutes to judge everything it can.
"So, you ready to see this sweet-ass roof or what?" - Vice-President Biden
Boston fans are reacting to the monumental collapse of the Red Sox in typical fashion: buying commemorative merchandise, flooding the streets and generally acting like ...
Cam Newton Ties NFL Rookie Record For Most Losses In First 2 Games
Brewers Inform Nyjer Morgan Playoff Roster Only Has Room For 2 Alter Egos
Tom Brady's English Accent Comes Out After Third Cup Of Gatorade
Charming Defensive Coordinator Inspires Team To Play Kiss-Mouth Football
Bored Fans Start Chanting For Broncos To Put Jake Plummer Into Game
An asteroid is about to destroy the Earth.
Video announcing Indianapolis' 2020 Olympic bid embarrassingly touts Geist Reservoir, public bus system.
