GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.
DENVER—Barista Andrew Fulton was reportedly underwhelmed Friday by the customer response to his final day at St. Mark's Coffeehouse, saying that after his four years of service, he had thought patrons would be more emotionally invested in his departure.
PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
MILFORD, CT—Intermittently gnawing at an old apple core and scratching at his unruly bramble of stubble, 22-year-old Daniel Hardin admitted to reporters Thursday that he had become completely broke and homeless 10 days after taking control of his own finances.
CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.