GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.
DENVER—Barista Andrew Fulton was reportedly underwhelmed Friday by the customer response to his final day at St. Mark's Coffeehouse, saying that after his four years of service, he had thought patrons would be more emotionally invested in his departure.
PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
WASHINGTON— A congressional spokesperson informed the FBI that talks have stalled on the Senate floor and lawmakers will need more time to debate the proposed deal to release the group of schoolchildren they took hostage earlier today.
Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) - With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is...
WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.
SYRACUSE, NY—In a hastily delivered statement from the passenger side of the young woman’s lime-green Hyundai Tiburon, Syracuse University announced Sunday it was leaving the Big East, the conference it helped create more than 30 years ago, for a 23-year-old exotic dancer and vodka brand ambassador named “Misti.”
WASHINGTON—With the United States facing a daunting array of problems at home and abroad, leading historians courteously reminded the nation Thursday that when making tough choices, it never hurts to stop a moment, take a look at similar situations from the past, and then think about whether the decisions people made back then were good or bad.
Many may find themselves curious as to why we "need" a comprehensive theory of architecture as a phenomenological concept. Of course, the intellectual abstractions of theory cannot—nor should they—ever replace the direct sense-experience of architecture in our daily lives.
Beyond the Fact's Jean Anne Whorton uncovers the illegal blood sport of spouse-fighting, where shady gamblers bait disgruntled wives and husbands to viciously tear each other to pieces over their petty issues.
MINNEAPOLIS—The scrappy Minnesota Twins continued to claw and fight their way down to the bottom of the standings last Wednesday, stringing together the league’s longest losing streak with their 11th-straight defeat.
SACRAMENTO, CA—Faced with a mandate to cut the state's prison population by 30,000, the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation announced Monday it would begin allowing prisoners to serve their sentences online.
WASHINGTON—Claiming it was "pretty fucking cool up there" and not to be missed, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked Estonian ambassador Väino Reinart on several occasions Sunday if he wanted to check out the White House roof.
DALLAS—Otherwise intelligent consumer Nancy Overton was once again deceived by the cosmetics industry Tuesday when she shelled out $20 for eye makeup that promised to give her lush, long, waterproof lashes.
PITTSBURGH—Since discovering the electronics retailer by chance at the beginning of his ritual period of experimentation outside the strict regimen of the Amish life, 16-year-old Isaac Stoltzfus has spent every day of his rumspringa at a local Apple...
CHARLOTTE, NC—With 83 total throwing attempts in the first two games of the season, Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton has proven to critics that he can not only throw a football, but can throw it a lot.
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A pair of newly-deads are looking to haunt their first house in the Dallas area, but must choose between a quaint raised ranch, a modern end-unit condo, and a spacious colonial fixer-upper.
NEW YORK—Reversing the highly publicized and controversial change to its pages, The Wall Street Journal announced Friday that the daily newspaper will resume featuring nude photographs after a failed yearlong experiment with nudity-free issues.
WASHINGTON—Saying no one in the country is responsible or reliable enough to serve as a legal guardian, child protective services officials from all 50 states confirmed Friday that they had found all of the nation’s adults unfit to be parents and had taken custody of approximately 80 million children.
LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.