Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon

Top Headlines

Issue 4739

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.

Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...

Hostage Negotiation Talks Stall In Congress

WASHINGTON— A congressional spokesperson informed the FBI that talks have stalled on the Senate floor and lawmakers will need more time to debate the proposed deal to release the group of schoolchildren they took hostage earlier today.

Asteroid To Destroy Earth

Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) - With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is...

R.E.M. Breaks Up

After 31 years together, the Athens, GA–based band R.E.M. has announced it is breaking up.

Panicked ER Doctor Calls 911

CHARLOTTE, NC—In the midst of performing an emergency appendectomy Thursday, panicked ER doctor Caleb Morrison dropped his surgical instruments mid-operation and dialed 911.

Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage

'We Need $12 Trillion Or All These Kids Die'

WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.

Just Desserts

Bravo 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT The team at the bakery is told to stop yelling and relax since they're only making a cake.

Syracuse Leaves Big East For Woman Named 'Misti'

SYRACUSE, NY—In a hastily delivered statement from the passenger side of the young woman’s lime-green Hyundai Tiburon, Syracuse University announced Sunday it was leaving the Big East, the conference it helped create more than 30 years ago, for a 23-year-old exotic dancer and vodka brand ambassador named “Misti.”

Sarah High

ABC Family 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT Sarah Girlio is still the odd-Sarah-out in a school full of Sarahs, but things are looking up when Sarah, the football captain, asks her to Sarah-Fest.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

NCB 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Having no new case to solve this week, the detectives sit around and talk about the freakiest rapes they've seen so far.

Biden Roof

"So, you ready to see this sweet-ass roof or what?" - Vice-President Biden

Floyd Mayweather

Mayweather is taking a lot of heat for his strange legal-but-uncool victory over Victor Ortiz last week.

Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store

PITTSBURGH—Since discovering the electronics retailer by chance at the beginning of his ritual period of experimentation outside the strict regimen of the Amish life, 16-year-old Isaac Stoltzfus has spent every day of his rumspringa at a local Apple...

Cam Newton Proving He Can Throw Football A Lot

CHARLOTTE, NC—With 83 total throwing attempts in the first two games of the season, Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton has proven to critics that he can not only throw a football, but can throw it a lot.

Being A Better Neighbor

In the suburban environment, tensions can build over something as simple as an unraked lawn. Here are some ways you can keep the peace with your neighbors.

House Haunters

HGTV 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT A pair of newly-deads are looking to haunt their first house in the Dallas area, but must choose between a quaint raised ranch, a modern end-unit condo, and a spacious colonial fixer-upper.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: