CUPERTINO, CA—During a highly anticipated media event held today at the Apple corporation’s world headquarters, CEO Tim Cook announced the new iPhone 4S ...

PHILADELPHIA—As the fifth plate of his 10-course, $150 prix fixe tasting menu dinner was carefully placed on the manicured table in front of him ...

WASHINGTON—According to a Rasmussen poll released Thursday, nearly all American voters share a deeply held fear of botching another election in 2012, with the ...

CUPERTINO, CA—Steve Jobs, the visionary co-founder of Apple Computers and the only American in the country who had any clue what the fuck he ...

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Stunned friends and acquaintances expressed disbelief after learning that a corpse discovered in the woods the early Saturday morning was not Justin. 

NEW YORK—City sanitation experts confirmed yesterday that the supposed “recycling” of Manhattan resident Ron Klauff was in fact a conglomeration of various recyclable and ...

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—According to a survey of confidence men released Tuesday, limited economic growth in the United States has led to a severe decline ...

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—During an appearance at a town hall meeting Monday to discuss the economic recovery, President Barack Obama reportedly seemed unsure how to ...

BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the ...

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from having witnessed a brutal five-car pileup Thursday on I-495, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has authorized the reduction of the federal speed ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Despite having no access to personal entertainment technology or media stimulation of any kind, 33-year-old Jeff Vali somehow withstood his entire harrowing 30-minute ...

ATLANTA—A new study released Monday by the Centers for Disease Control has found a direct link between a particularly aggressive strain of ocular cancer ...

Longtime 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney made his final appearance on the show Sunday. 

Virgo You've tried leaving poems at the scene, leaving signature marks, and only working on Sundays, but the papers insist on merely calling you ...

SHELTON, CT—New student Ryan Karels, 17, made a lot of enemies his first day by asking to borrow a pencil, not knowing the town ...

AMES, IA—Every single one of the trucks parked in the Moura Memorial Rest Stop on Route 30 contained a Hostess cupcake wrapper.

ODESSA, TX—Just when plumber David Holman thought he had seen every tampon underneath a bathroom sink, along came O.B. Pro Comforts.

SMITHFIELD, NC—Due to the St. Peter Church accidentally double-booking its chapel, Stephanie Chambers found out she is actually not the most beautiful bride in ...

Apple Inc. (AAPL) $372.67: -$4.70: -1.2% Stocks for the technology firm dropped like they were calls on the iPhone, hey, Stockwatch, hey!

NEW YORK—With the NHL preseason heading toward its conclusion, players, coaches, and managers wondered aloud Monday why they were even bothering with exhibition games. 

FRANKLIN, WI—Though the Green Bay Packers solidly defeated the Chicago Bears by 10 points Sunday, Packers fan Randy LaBelle reached into the depths of ...

MILWAUKEE—Home plate umpire Marvin Hudson asked Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy to move forward “just a little” during the second inning of Sunday's NLDS ...

Even the great ones have off days, as Tom Brady found out against the Bills. Onion Sports lists the worst games of the very best.

After leading the Bills to a 3-0 record, this journeyman quarterback from a small, unheralded school has everyone's attention. Is he any good?

Scientists at Tel Aviv University have implanted an artificial cerebellum in rats that can restore functioning to those with damaged brains.

Last week, Occupy Wall Street, the movement attempting to shine a light on corporate excess and greed, was joined by United Airlines pilots, Metropolitan Transit ...

National Public Radio announced Sunday that its new CEO would be Gary Knell, CEO of the Sesame Workshop, home of Sesame Street.

Bloomberg News reported Monday that billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch illegally used German and Italian subsidiaries to sell oil equipment to Iran, a nation ...

Apple announced on its website yesterday that company founder Steve Jobs had died. What do you think?

Even though the world is ending, Brooke Alvarez says that's no excuse to just let yourself go. When the asteroid hits, meet it with ...

Brooke Alvarez is back in the FactZone bringing you the hardest-hitting new stories of the day, including live coverage of the Earth's destruction by ...

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a ...

Congress takes a group of schoolchildren hostage, Vice President Biden invites a visiting ambassador to check out the White House roof, and the 2011 newborns ...

American voters are worried about botching another election, everybody is shocked that a body found in the woods is not Jason, and a new study ...

"Another couple billion children might not be the best idea at this point," - Human Race

It's time for the MLB playoffs at the GOOMF. Baseball reporter Jim Ridgeway joins the guys to get yelled at and explain that Tim ...

The spittle and invectives fly as Doc and Kenny recount Sidney Crosby's travails and the WNBA's plan to horrifically maim their players for ...

Red Sox Not Ready To Panic Just Yet