SAN FRANCISCO—Despite having no access to personal entertainment technology or media stimulation of any kind, 33-year-old Jeff Vali somehow withstood his entire harrowing 30-minute train commute Friday.
WASHINGTON—Still reeling from having witnessed a brutal five-car pileup Thursday on I-495, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has authorized the reduction of the federal speed limit to five miles per hour, effective immediately.
American voters are worried about botching another election, everybody is shocked that a body found in the woods is not Jason, and a new study finds a link between reading text on computer screens and cancer.
BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.
WASHINGTON—According to a Rasmussen poll released Thursday, nearly all American voters share a deeply held fear of botching another election in 2012, with the majority admitting that selecting candidates suitable for public office is something they are just not very good at.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—During an appearance at a town hall meeting Monday to discuss the economic recovery, President Barack Obama reportedly seemed unsure how to respond to an earnest compliment from a man in attendance.
MILWAUKEE—Home plate umpire Marvin Hudson asked Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy to move forward “just a little” during the second inning of Sunday's NLDS game so that Hudson could have some more room and see better, nearby sources report...
PHILADELPHIA—As the fifth plate of his 10-course, $150 prix fixe tasting menu dinner was carefully placed on the manicured table in front of him, Kohl-Strauss Media Group CEO Tom Byatt reportedly told a colleague Tuesday that in order for the compan...
FRANKLIN, WI—Though the Green Bay Packers solidly defeated the Chicago Bears by 10 points Sunday, Packers fan Randy LaBelle reached into the depths of his being after the victory to bitch about the team's inconsistency when converting third downs and missed red-zone opportunities.
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—According to a survey of confidence men released Tuesday, limited economic growth in the United States has led to a severe decline in the number of chumps, marks, and suckers ripe for the picking on the boardwalk.
'Let's Just See How We're Doing In A Few Years' Humanity Decides
PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called "a lot of uncertainty" on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be "just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being."
NEW YORK—City sanitation experts confirmed yesterday that the supposed “recycling” of Manhattan resident Ron Klauff was in fact a conglomeration of various recyclable and nonrecyclable refuse that takes city workers an average of two hours and 288 gallons of water to sort and clean each week.
Congress takes a group of schoolchildren hostage, Vice President Biden invites a visiting ambassador to check out the White House roof, and the 2011 newborns are the ugliest babies in thirty years. It's the week of September 26th, 2011.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
BROKEN ARROW, OK—Admitting it had no idea what it was supposed to do with the dozens of preservatives and flavor enhancers, the stomach of local man Shawn Harper reportedly set aside the synthetic additives that the 33-year-old consumed during lunch Thursday until it had a few minutes to figure out how to properly digest them.
CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.