That Guy From That One Show In Rehab

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Issue 4740

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died

BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.

Nervous American Voters Worried About Botching Another Election

WASHINGTON—According to a Rasmussen poll released Thursday, nearly all American voters share a deeply held fear of botching another election in 2012, with the majority admitting that selecting candidates suitable for public office is something they are just not very good at.

Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Obama Not Sure How To Handle Compliment

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—During an appearance at a town hall meeting Monday to discuss the economic recovery, President Barack Obama reportedly seemed unsure how to respond to an earnest compliment from a man in attendance.

Umpire Asks Catcher To Move Up A Little

MILWAUKEE—Home plate umpire Marvin Hudson asked Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy to move forward “just a little” during the second inning of Sunday's NLDS game so that Hudson could have some more room and see better, nearby sources report...

Apple: New iPhone Good

'You Should Buy It' CEO Says

CUPERTINO, CA—During a highly anticipated media event held today at the Apple corporation’s world headquarters, CEO Tim Cook announced the new iPhone 4S is good and people should buy it.

Sports Fan Digs Deep, Finds Something To Complain About

FRANKLIN, WI—Though the Green Bay Packers solidly defeated the Chicago Bears by 10 points Sunday, Packers fan Randy LaBelle reached into the depths of his being after the victory to bitch about the team's inconsistency when converting third downs and missed red-zone opportunities.

No more kids 

"Another couple billion children might not be the best idea at this point," - Human Race

Boardwalk Con Men Hit Hard By Sharp Decrease In Chumps

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—According to a survey of confidence men released Tuesday, limited economic growth in the United States has led to a severe decline in the number of chumps, marks, and suckers ripe for the picking on the boardwalk. 

Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While

'Let's Just See How We're Doing In A Few Years' Humanity Decides

PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called "a lot of uncertainty" on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be "just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being."

Ryan Fitzpatrick

After leading the Bills to a 3-0 record, this journeyman quarterback from a small, unheralded school has everyone's attention. Is he any good?

What Man Thinks Is Recycling Takes City Workers 2 Hours A Day To Sort

NEW YORK—City sanitation experts confirmed yesterday that the supposed “recycling” of Manhattan resident Ron Klauff was in fact a conglomeration of various recyclable and nonrecyclable refuse that takes city workers an average of two hours and 288 gallons of water to sort and clean each week.

Great Players' Worst Games

Even the great ones have off days, as Tom Brady found out against the Bills. Onion Sports lists the worst games of the very best.
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