SAN FRANCISCO—Despite having no access to personal entertainment technology or media stimulation of any kind, 33-year-old Jeff Vali somehow withstood his entire harrowing 30-minute train commute Friday.
WASHINGTON—Still reeling from having witnessed a brutal five-car pileup Thursday on I-495, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has authorized the reduction of the federal speed limit to five miles per hour, effective immediately.
American voters are worried about botching another election, everybody is shocked that a body found in the woods is not Jason, and a new study finds a link between reading text on computer screens and cancer.
BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...
MEDFORD, OR—Recoiling at the sight of the two coworkers waiting for them in the lobby, employees from local company Core Analysts stated Monday that their invitation to head out and grab lunch had somehow trickled down to the office weirdos.