The Week In Pictures

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Issue 4741

Report: All The Good Seashells Taken

CORAL GABLES, FL—According to a report released Monday by a group of environmental researchers, all the good seashells worth picking up and bringing home have already been taken, a development that threatens the very future of shell collection regionally.

Hollywood Announces Plan To Remake Jimmy Stewart

Congress passes a law requiring every U.S. dog to wear a neckerchief, a report shows that your mother is silently weeping about you right now, and an actor sometimes feels silly pretending to be somebody else. It's the week of October 10th, 2011.

U.S. Back On Top As Gas Prices Drop Slightly

WASHINGTON—With gasoline prices dropping a full 26 cents from where they were a month ago, a new era of confidence and hope washed over Americans this week, confirming the United States is once again the greatest nation in the world.

Fans Of Victorious Nobel Laureates Riot In Stockholm

STOCKHOLM—The annual announcement of Nobel Prize winners was once again marred by vandalism this year, with triumphant fans of the 2011 laureates mobbing Stockholm streets last week, breaking shop windows and setting bonfires as they celebrated rema...

The Ecstasy Of Defeat 

The Onion's new compendium of sportswriting will be available in bookstores everywhere Oct. 11. Is it any good?

New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory

WASHINGTON—Cutting short its Columbus Day recess, Congress held a special emergency session this weekend to push through comprehensive legislation requiring every dog in the United States to wear a neckerchief, with both parties hailing the outcome as a "major step forward for the nation" and "downright adorable."

Bowling Birthday Party Enters 5th Agonizing Hour

MANCHESTER, CT—According to bored and increasingly irritated sources currently sitting at lane 8 of Manchester Family Bowl, Nick Morwood’s fourteenth birthday party has now dragged on into a fifth excruciating hour.

Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something

UNITED STATES—In cities across the nation, thousands of sports fans rallied together this weekend to demand the world provide them with something to purchase for $21.99, ideally something that would offer immediate enjoyment in addition to providing long-term keepsake value.

Vikings Sticking With McNabb Because They Hate Him

MINNEAPOLIS—In a press conference Thursday, Minnesota head coach Leslie Frazier made it clear Donovan McNabb would remain the team’s quarterback for the foreseeable future, as Frazier and every other person in the Vikings organization completely despises the 12-year veteran and enjoys nothing more than seeing him fail.
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Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: