Issue 4742

Republican Presidential Debate

Fox News 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT For 35 minutes, former Utah governor Jon Huntsman tries and fails to shoehorn his sensible opinion into the debate before finally blurting out "People on welfare should starve to death" in order to get the moderato...

Something Sliding Around In Coffin

The government reduces Bernie Madoff's sentence in exchange for infiltrating and fixing the economy, leaf hunting season begins, and something is sliding around in this coffin. It's the week of October 17th, 2011.

Pop Goes the Wiesel

History 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT You never know where Nobel Peace Prize winner and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel might show up! This week it's a PartyLite event in a St. Louis suburb and 10-cent wing night at Rhino's Union Pub in West Seneca, NY.

Making IndyCar Racing Safer

In response to the tragic death of Dan Wheldon, IndyCar Series officials are considering major safety changes for next year's races.

Soccer Star Diagnosed With Chronic MLS

The Get Out Of My Face guys dip into the mailbag to answer each other's questions about Tony La Russa's World Series sex orgies and good news on the NBA lockout front.

New Dr Pepper Drink Aimed At Men

Dr Pepper Ten, a new diet soda from the Dr Pepper Snapple Group, is being marketed to men with the slogan "It's not for women." Here are some of the other ways the company is portraying the beverage's masculinity.

Report: 40,000 People Died On Ferris Wheels This Summer

NEW YORK— In its annual report of carnival and amusement park fatalities released Thursday, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration found that 40,000 riders lost their lives in Ferris wheel accidents during the summer of 2011.

Antiques Sideshow

PBS 11 p.m. EDT/10 p.m. CDT Host Mark L. Walberg delights and repels you with America's most freakish tables and lamps.

Rangers vs. Cardinals

The Fall Classic begins tonight with the Rangers making their second-ever Series appearance, this time against the talent-rich but often underperforming Cardinals. Here's what both teams must do to win:

Republican Coma Candidate Dominates GOP Debate

HANOVER, NH—Analysts are hailing the performance of candidate John Clarkson in last Tuesday's Republican presidential debate as a clear victory for the former Colorado representative, who slipped into a coma following a car crash eight years ago.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 18, 2011

Aries You're usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you're doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed you to "boogie down." Taurus The problems you have may be insignificant ...

Man Unfortunately Sleeps Like Baby

YAKIMA, WA—According to frustrated family sources, 49-year-old Gene Dawson sleeps like a baby, waking up every few hours and needing to be held and soothed before he can fall back asleep.


ABC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Dogtective faces his toughest challenge yet when he gets assigned to a case that can't be solved by sense of smell.

Citizens Of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now

WINNIPEG—After hosting the first game of the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets last week, Winnipeg residents realized they have actually lost all interest in hockey in the 15 years since they last had an NHL team and in fact now despise the sport.

Leaf-Hunting Season Begins

PENACOOK, NH—Sportsmen throughout the region donned camouflage and readied their rifles and bows Monday, heralding the official opening of New Hampshire's 2011 leaf-hunting season.

Ryan Braun

The reliably clutch Brewers slugger is a perennial All-Star and a favorite for this year's National League MVP. 

Ryan Braun

The reliably clutch Brewers slugger is a perennial All-Star and a favorite for this year's National League MVP. Is he any good?

Sight Of Matt Millen On TV Simply Too Much For Nation’s Unemployed To Handle

BRISTOL, CT—The nation's 14 million unemployed persons experienced a combination of rage, disbelief, and near-suicidal depression after seeing former Lions CEO Matt Millen—long regarded as one of the most resoundingly incompetent failures in management history—working as a football analyst on Wednesday's SportsCenter.
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Another U.S. Downgrade Looming

Due to the inability of Congress to make any long-term budget fixes, experts are predicting another credit-rating downgrade for the United States. What do you think?


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