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Mitt Romney's Goal To Connect With One Voter By The Time This Is All Over

• FDA Approves Putting Picture Of Trish On Cigarette Packs

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | News

  WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately portray the risks of smoking tobacco, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved rules Wednesday that will require all cigarette packaging to bear a large warning label featuring a graphic image of Trish. FD... more»

  

• Nation Finally Breaks Down And Begs Its Smart People To Just Fix Everything

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.27.11 | News

  WASHINGTON—Overwhelmed by the frustration of being utterly unable to solve any of the numerous difficult problems it faces, a worn-out nation finally broke down Thursday morning and begged its smart people to please just fix everything now. Admittin... more»

  

• Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.29.11 | News

  MADISONVILLE, TN—Sources close to local man Mike Ferguson confirmed Saturday that over time they have learned not to bring up their friend's utter failure to achieve anything whatsoever in life, a sensitive topic they said has always been a bit of a... more»

  

• Nation Waiting For Protesters To Clearly Articulate Demands Before Ignoring Them

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.12.11 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—As the Occupy Wall Street protest expands and grows into a nationwide movement, Americans are eagerly awaiting a list of demands from the group so they can then systematically disregard them and continue going about their business, polls sh... more»

  

• Newly Deployed Soldier Has Dreamed Of Fighting In Afghan War Since He Was Little Kid

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | News in Brief

  KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Recently deployed to participate in counterinsurgency operations outside of Kabul, 19-year-old Pvt. more»

• Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

  ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | News in Brief

  SANTA ROSA, CA—A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly unhappy adults. more»

• U.S. To Offer Tax Incentives To Companies That Do Not Openly Make World Worse At Every Turn

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.27.11 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—A growth-stimulus package introduced in Congress Thursday aims to provide tax incentives to companies that do not openly and unapologetically make the world a worse place than it already is. more»

• LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle

  ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.29.11 | News in Brief

  KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct the vision in his left eye has been an unmitigated success, allowing him to see... more»

• FAA To Ban Plane Crashes

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.30.11 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In what officials are calling "a much-needed policy shift," the Federal Aviation Administration announced this weekend that it would ban all plane crashes. more»

• Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.27.11 | Infographic

  While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books. more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.25.11 | Horoscope

  Aries This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home. Taurus Trouble rears its ugly head in the workpl... more»

• Genetically Modified Shrieking Broccoli Toned Down

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | Radio News

• French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.25.11 | Radio News

• Cage Match Settles Nothing

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | Radio News

• Affable Anti-Semite Thinks Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.27.11 | Radio News

• No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Radio News

• Treasury Department Releases New 'Monsters Of The Silver Screen' $20 Bill

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | News in Photos

  

• Sun Dreading Rising Today

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.30.11 | News in Photos

  

• This Sure Is A Spooky Time For The Economy

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.25.11 | Commentary

  Greetings…it's your favorite dead-itorial writer, Paul "Bearer" Krugman, here to talk to you again about some rather, shall we say, chilling developments in the national economy. more»

• SAN DIEGO, CA—The 8.5-month-old fetus being carried by Betty Marin will be happy if it never hears Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 23 In A Major again.

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | National News Highlights

  SAN DIEGO, CA—The 8.5-month-old fetus being carried by Betty Marin will be happy if it never hears Mozart's Piano Concerto No. more»

• OVERLAND PARK, KS—Forensics team member Francesca Babin, 15, made it to Original Oratory finals despite leaving her visual-aid stand in the van.

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | National News Highlights

  OVERLAND PARK, KS—Forensics team member Francesca Babin, 15, made it to Original Oratory finals despite leaving her visual-aid stand in the van. more»

• LIBBY, MT—For the first time since its debut in 2005, the link to the live-streaming webcam outside Jimmy’s Tacos was clicked on.

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | National News Highlights

  LIBBY, MT—For the first time since its debut in 2005, the link to the live-streaming webcam outside Jimmy’s Tacos was clicked on. more»

• WAUKESHA, WI—The flaw in party hostess Lynn Tiede's jack-o'-lantern-as-punch-bowl concept will soon be apparent.

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.30.11 | National News Highlights

  WAUKESHA, WI—The flaw in party hostess Lynn Tiede's jack-o'-lantern-as-punch-bowl concept will soon be apparent. more»

• AT&T (T)

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.25.11 | Stockwatch

  $28.34 (-.79) (-2.9%) Investors hammered the telecommunications stock after CFO John Stephens admitted the had lost the shoebox where he keeps all the company's receipts. more»

• Classic Looks For 40-Something Women Married For The Second Time And Trying To Get Pregnant

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sunday Magazine

  

• George Harrison

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.10.11 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• "Big Sister" Is Watching

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Obama Seeks Approval Of 'Occupy Wall Street' Protestors By Punching Banker In The Face

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.12.11 | Blog

  Early Polls Indicate 44% of Respondents Saying "It's about damn time" and 32% Wishing For A Kick Instead of Punch NEW YORK, NY (October 12, 2011) - Apparently seeking to ride the wave of popular anger being expressed by the growing ... more»

  

• Popular New DirecTV Package Offers Zero NHL Games

  ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sports News

  EL SEGUNDO, CA—Satellite broadcast provider DirecTV has been inundated with new subscribers following Monday's introduction of NHL ShutOut, a special new sports entertainment package that allows customers to miss 100 percent of National Hockey Leagu... more»

  

• Andy Reid Asks Sean Payton If He Is Going To Eat His Torn MCL

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | Sports News in Brief

  PHILADELPHIA—While recovering from injuries suffered in a sideline incident last Sunday, New Orleans head coach Sean Payton received a phone call from Andy Reid in which the Eagles coach expressed his wishes for Payton to heal quickly from the fract... more»

  

• John Madden Agrees To Work As Consultant For Raiders Concession Stand

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | Sports News in Brief

  OAKLAND, CA—As Raiders owner Mark Davis reaches out for advisers in the wake of his father Al Davis' death, the team's front office confirmed Tuesday that former coach John Madden has agreed to come back to Oakland and serve as a consultant for stad... more»

  

• Lions Fans Excited To Be Booing Again

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sports News in Brief

  DETROIT—After their team dropped its second-straight game Sunday, Detroit Lions fans told reporters they were thrilled to get back to booing the hapless franchise. more»

  

• Joe Buck Walks In On Troy Aikman Covering NFL Game With Another Man

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.29.11 | Sports News in Brief

  MINNEAPOLIS—Fox play-by-play announcer Joe Buck claimed to be overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, and grief Sunday after catching color commentator Troy Aikman covering the Packers-Vikings game with another man. more»

  

• Cocky Miami Dolphins Already Booking Hotel Rooms For Week 12 Game At Dallas

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.31.11 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—In what analysts are calling a brash move, the Miami Dolphins have decided to tempt fate by going ahead and securing rooms in a Dallas Marriott for their week 12 matchup against the Cowboys. more»

  

• Theo Epstein Disgusted To Find Cubs Playing In Old Stadium With Weeds Growing All Over Walls

  ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•43 | 11.01.11 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—After taking a tour of the franchise's home stadium Monday, new Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein told reporters he was revolted the team played in a stadium so run-down a landscaper had to be hired to cut down the thick carpet of weeds gr... more»

  

• Bill Simmons Somehow Still Writing About 2010 NBA Season

  ISSUE 47•43 | 11.02.11 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—With the NBA lockout having already resulted in the cancellation of many games this fall, ESPN.com and Grantland columnist Bill Simmons is somehow managing to churn out upwards of 3,000 words per week on the NBA by continuing to write ab... more»

  

• Greatest World Series Moments

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sportsgraphic

  Albert Pujols' three homers in one game was an amazing World Series spectacle, but it was hardly the greatest moment the Fall Classic has ever seen. more»

  

• Matt Forte

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Strongside/Weakside

  The multitalented and underpaid Bears back is the first player in seven years to reach 1,000 yards in the first seven weeks of the season. Is he any good? more»

  

• Ray Lewis Releases Primal Scream After Successfully Transferring Money To Checking Account

  ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Photo Finish

  

• 'Joe The Plumber' Running For Congress

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.12.11 | American Voices

  Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher, who came to prominence after questioning Barack Obama's economic policies during the 2008 presidential campaign, has filed papers to run for Congress in Ohio. more»

• Christie Endorses Romney

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.13.11 | American Voices

  New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would support Mitt Romney's candidacy for president. What do you think? more»

• MTV's Occupy Wall Street

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | American Voices

  MTV has put out a casting call for a member of the Occupy Wall Street protests to join its cast of The Real World. more»

• Tsunami Debris Approaching U.S.

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.27.11 | American Voices

  Debris from the Japanese tsunami in March is now approaching Hawaii and is predicted to hit the West Coast of the U.S. more»

• Wal-Mart Shutters New York Fashion Presence

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | American Voices

  Two years after relocating its fashion offices to New York, retail giant Wal-Mart announced it was moving the division back to Arkansas. more»

• On The Supposed Rise Of Dirty Play In The NFL

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Fan On The Street

• Shelby Cross Teaches Us How To Protect Our Children On Halloween, A.K.A. The Pedophiles' Christmas

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  Shelby Cross warns parents that by letting their children trick-or-treat door-to-door in fancy little costumes, they are sending their little ones straight into the greasy arms of waiting sexual predators. more»

  

• Brooke Alvarez Assures Us Romantics That True Love Does Exist

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.25.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  A peculiarly named fan, Dandelion Elizabeth, asks Brooke whether true love exists. Brooke affirms that it does, because she's experienced it, and gives "Dandy" a bit of romantic advice. more»

  

• Hackers Shut Down January Jones

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

  January Jones begins to malfunction on set after highly skilled hackers broke into and dismantled the robotic starlet's operating system. more»

  

• Department Of Treasury Releases New Monsters Of The Silver Screen 20 Dollar Bill

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Onion Review

  The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant for the Oakland Raiders' concession stands, and a local man’s utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot. It's the week of October 24th, 2011. more»

  

• Panicked Crossing Guard Drags Dead Third-Grader To Adjacent Intersection

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | Newswire

• Man's Trainer Once Saw Rob Lowe At Gym

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | Newswire

• Hug Waved Off

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.27.11 | Newswire

• Man Urinating While Talking On Cell Phone Accidentally Drops Baby In Toilet

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Newswire

• Boeing Employees Have Some Fun By Talking About How Big 7,047 Would Be

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.29.11 | Newswire

• Jewish House Mistakenly Bypassed By Trick-Or-Treaters

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.31.11 | Newswire

• Mario Williams Out For Season With Torn Tit

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.13.11 | OSN GOOMF

  Kenny and Doc follow a delicious "Power Lunch" with their take on Nyjer Morgan's brain centipede and Brett Favre's jealous death wish. more»

  

• Tim Tebow Becomes First Bad Quarterback To Lead 4th Quarter Comeback

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.27.11 | OSN GOOMF

  It's a spooky GOOMF and everything is backwards: Doc is Kenny, Kenny is Belichick, Tim Tebow is winning games and Blake Griffin is dunking everything in sight. more»

  

• Browns' Groundskeepers Don't Bother Painting End Zones On Field

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sports Newswire

• Packers Win Millionth Game In Team History Since Franchise's First In 1308 CE

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sports Newswire

• Top Special Teams Coach Trains Players By Making Them Run Full-Bore Into Industrial Thresher

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sports Newswire

• Great Reffing Gets Ref Laid

  ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sports Newswire

• Workplace

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.11.11 | Video Playlist

  

• Remembering Brandon Armstrong

  ISSUE 47•43 | 10.25.11 | Video Playlist

  The Onion News Network pays tribute to one of its longest-serving anchors, Brandon Armstrong, who tragically died in a brothel fire last night. Watch the full tribute tonight on IFC at 10/9c. more»