Bill Simmons Somehow Still Writing About 2010 NBA Season

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Issue 4743

FAA To Ban Plane Crashes

WASHINGTON—In what officials are calling "a much-needed policy shift," the Federal Aviation Administration announced this weekend that it would ban all plane crashes.

Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot

MADISONVILLE, TN—Sources close to local man Mike Ferguson confirmed Saturday that over time they have learned not to bring up their friend's utter failure to achieve anything whatsoever in life, a sensitive topic they said has always been a bit of a...

Lions Fans Excited To Be Booing Again

DETROIT—After their team dropped its second-straight game Sunday, Detroit Lions fans told reporters they were thrilled to get back to booing the hapless franchise.

Greatest World Series Moments

Albert Pujols' three homers in one game was an amazing World Series spectacle, but it was hardly the greatest moment the Fall Classic has ever seen.

Matt Forte

The multitalented and underpaid Bears back is the first player in seven years to reach 1,000 yards in the first seven weeks of the season. Is he any good?

Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books.

Hackers Shut Down January Jones

January Jones begins to malfunction on set after highly skilled hackers broke into and dismantled the robotic starlet's operating system.

FDA Approves Putting Picture Of Trish On Cigarette Packs

WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately portray the risks of smoking tobacco, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved rules Wednesday that will require all cigarette packaging to bear a large warning label featuring a graphic image of Trish. FD...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 25, 2011

Aries This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at the malls closest to the retirement home. Taurus Trouble rears its ugly head in the workpl...

This Sure Is A Spooky Time For The Economy

Greetings…it's your favorite dead-itorial writer, Paul "Bearer" Krugman, here to talk to you again about some rather, shall we say, chilling developments in the national economy.

Remembering Brandon Armstrong

The Onion News Network pays tribute to one of its longest-serving anchors, Brandon Armstrong, who tragically died in a brothel fire last night. Watch the full tribute tonight on IFC at 10/9c.
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Bill Simmons Somehow Still Writing About 2010 NBA Season

LOS ANGELES—With the NBA lockout having already resulted in the cancellation of many games this fall, and Grantland columnist Bill Simmons is somehow managing to churn out upwards of 3,000 words per week on the NBA by continuing to write about the long-completed 2010 season. "Nov. 22 of last year, Thunder vs. Timberwolves, what many may have excused as an early season flirtation between two young squads, but this was more than that: It was yet another example of why Kevin Durant is trade-your-entire-team-to-get-this-guy good," Simmons wrote Tuesday in a post titled "The Greatest Season Ever? (Part Nine)." "I said it last season, I said it in the playoffs, I said it in the offseason, I said it in the NFL preseason, and I'm saying it now: Durant is as smooth and calculating as Omar from The Wire, and I watch recordings of him just as often." Over the past three weeks, Simmons has mentioned last year's NBA season on more than 800 occasions, including 287 times in his account of attending a Los Angeles Kings hockey game.