WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately portray the risks of smoking tobacco, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved rules Wednesday that will require ...

WASHINGTON—Overwhelmed by the frustration of being utterly unable to solve any of the numerous difficult problems it faces, a worn-out nation finally broke down ...

MADISONVILLE, TN—Sources close to local man Mike Ferguson confirmed Saturday that over time they have learned not to bring up their friend's utter ...

NEW YORK—As the Occupy Wall Street protest expands and grows into a nationwide movement, Americans are eagerly awaiting a list of demands from the ...

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Recently deployed to participate in counterinsurgency operations outside of Kabul, 19-year-old Pvt.

SANTA ROSA, CA—A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly ...

WASHINGTON—A growth-stimulus package introduced in Congress Thursday aims to provide tax incentives to companies that do not openly and unapologetically make the world a ...

KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct ...

WASHINGTON—In what officials are calling "a much-needed policy shift," the Federal Aviation Administration announced this weekend that it would ban all plane crashes.

While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level ...

Aries This week you'll prove that one man can make a difference when you smear bacon grease all over the stairs and escalators at ...

SAN DIEGO, CA—The 8.5-month-old fetus being carried by Betty Marin will be happy if it never hears Mozart's Piano Concerto No.

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Forensics team member Francesca Babin, 15, made it to Original Oratory finals despite leaving her visual-aid stand in the van.

LIBBY, MT—For the first time since its debut in 2005, the link to the live-streaming webcam outside Jimmy’s Tacos was clicked on.

WAUKESHA, WI—The flaw in party hostess Lynn Tiede's jack-o'-lantern-as-punch-bowl concept will soon be apparent.

$28.34 (-.79) (-2.9%) Investors hammered the telecommunications stock after CFO John Stephens admitted the had lost the shoebox where he keeps all the ...

Early Polls Indicate 44% of Respondents Saying "It's about damn time" and 32% Wishing For A Kick Instead of Punch NEW YORK, NY (October ...

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Satellite broadcast provider DirecTV has been inundated with new subscribers following Monday's introduction of NHL ShutOut, a special new sports entertainment ...

PHILADELPHIA—While recovering from injuries suffered in a sideline incident last Sunday, New Orleans head coach Sean Payton received a phone call from Andy Reid ...

OAKLAND, CA—As Raiders owner Mark Davis reaches out for advisers in the wake of his father Al Davis' death, the team's front office ...

DETROIT—After their team dropped its second-straight game Sunday, Detroit Lions fans told reporters they were thrilled to get back to booing the hapless franchise.

MINNEAPOLIS—Fox play-by-play announcer Joe Buck claimed to be overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, and grief Sunday after catching color commentator Troy Aikman covering ...

MIAMI—In what analysts are calling a brash move, the Miami Dolphins have decided to tempt fate by going ahead and securing rooms in a ...

CHICAGO—After taking a tour of the franchise's home stadium Monday, new Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein told reporters he was revolted the team ...

LOS ANGELES—With the NBA lockout having already resulted in the cancellation of many games this fall, ESPN.com and Grantland columnist Bill Simmons is ...

Albert Pujols' three homers in one game was an amazing World Series spectacle, but it was hardly the greatest moment the Fall Classic has ever ...

The multitalented and underpaid Bears back is the first player in seven years to reach 1,000 yards in the first seven weeks of the ...

Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher, who came to prominence after questioning Barack Obama's economic policies during the 2008 presidential campaign, has filed papers to run for ...

New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would support Mitt Romney's candidacy for president. What do you think?

MTV has put out a casting call for a member of the Occupy Wall Street protests to join its cast of The Real World.

Debris from the Japanese tsunami in March is now approaching Hawaii and is predicted to hit the West Coast of the U.S.

Two years after relocating its fashion offices to New York, retail giant Wal-Mart announced it was moving the division back to Arkansas.

Shelby Cross warns parents that by letting their children trick-or-treat door-to-door in fancy little costumes, they are sending their little ones straight into the greasy ...

A peculiarly named fan, Dandelion Elizabeth, asks Brooke whether true love exists. Brooke affirms that it does, because she's experienced it, and gives "Dandy ...

January Jones begins to malfunction on set after highly skilled hackers broke into and dismantled the robotic starlet's operating system.

The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant for the Oakland Raiders' concession ...

Kenny and Doc follow a delicious "Power Lunch" with their take on Nyjer Morgan's brain centipede and Brett Favre's jealous death wish.

It's a spooky GOOMF and everything is backwards: Doc is Kenny, Kenny is Belichick, Tim Tebow is winning games and Blake Griffin is dunking ...

The Onion News Network pays tribute to one of its longest-serving anchors, Brandon Armstrong, who tragically died in a brothel fire last night. Watch the ...