'Please Stop Calling Me Big Baby,' Says Glen 'Pencil Dick' Davis

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Issue 4746

Prescription: Bedtime

CBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST This week's episode of the hit medical drama once again lulls the nation's fiftysomething moms to fall asleep on the couch, while the "code blue" commotion at the end is just loud enough to rouse them, make them l...

Smooth Transaction At DMV Exaggerated Into Story Anyway

ALBANY, NY—Though he spent no more than 20 minutes at the Department of Motor Vehicles Tuesday getting his driver's license renewed, Dan Nesbitt, 27, decided to embellish his experience anyway, saying he was mistakenly given the wrong form to fill o...

High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions

CHARLESTON, SC—With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has cost the 42-year-old idiot millions of dollars over the years, reports confirmed Friday. The moron...

NFL Searching For Any Unused Harbaughs

NEW YORK—After noting the respectable performance of Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh and the excellent record of San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, the National Football League announced Tuesday it is actively seeking any and all...

'Family Circus' Creator Dead

Bil Keane, whose comic strip The Family Circus has appeared in newspapers since 1960, passed away last week at the age of 89.

Parking Wars

A&E 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Watching tonight's four-hour block of fast-paced parking-ticket-enforcement action will not only catch you up on all of this season's heart-pounding ups and downs, it has now been recognized by the American Psychiatric Associ...

Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out

DEARBORN, MI—In a shocking revelation that has rocked Thomas E. Dewey High School, sources in Mrs. Trimble’s third-period English class are now confirming that 17-year-old Jessica Milly will soon begin putting out.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

Magnanimous Banker Hires Occupy Wall Street Protesters

'I Like Your Pluck!' Says Gracious Plutocrat

NEW YORK—Saying the recently arrested protesters had just the right kind of tenacity and pluck needed to shake up the financial services industry, magnanimous and benevolent Morgan Stanley banker Hank Billings approached members of the Occupy Wall S...

Alex Ovechkin Having Trouble Following Puck On TV

WASHINGTON—Lying on his sofa and flipping through channels Saturday night, Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin settled on a televised hockey game for a few minutes, but reportedly had trouble keeping track of the puck.

I Know I'm Pregnant

TLC 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Morning sickness and the absence of her menstrual cycle lead 28-year-old Kaye Mullins to realize she is pregnant, which makes sense, because she and her husband had been trying to conceive.

Jets vs. Patriots

The Jets' last loss was to the Patriots. The Patriots have won only one game since then. Here's what each team must do to avoid losing the mutual hatefest this Sunday:

Eli Manning Throws Big-Boy Touchdown

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Trailing in the final seconds of last Sunday's game against New England, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, 30, stunned the Patriots by throwing a big-boy touchdown to clinch a victory.

Celebratory Jets Dump Cooler Of Soap And Water On Rex Ryan

BUFFALO, NY—As the clock expired Sunday in their 27-11 victory over division rival Buffalo, Jets players honored head coach Rex Ryan by dumping a celebratory orange cooler of hot, soapy water over his body and making sure to cover every inch of him ...
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


'Please Stop Calling Me Big Baby,' Says Glen 'Pencil Dick' Davis

BOSTON—Irked that a reporter had once again referred to him as "Big Baby" while asking him a question about the NBA lockout, Boston Celtics center Glen "Pencil Dick" Davis lashed out at fans and the media Monday for continuing to call him by his renounced nickname. "I understand people like calling me 'Big Baby' and all that, but it really bothers me, and it's demeaning," Pencil Dick said. "I just don't think 'Big Baby' defines me at all, not anymore. If anything, you should call me Big [Pencil Dick] or Mr. [Pencil Dick]. Even [Pencil Dick] would be fine." None of Davis' teammates could be reached for comment, including Kevin "The Big Fuckface" Garnett.