DEARBORN, MI—In a shocking revelation that has rocked Thomas E. Dewey High School, sources in Mrs. Trimble’s third-period English class are now confirming ...

CHARLESTON, SC—With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has ...

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DEARBORN, MI—Sources are confirming that at 8:45 p.m. this evening, Thomas E. Dewey High School junior Jessica Milly officially put out.

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SPRINGFIELD, MO—While training his replacement on his final day of work Thursday, outgoing warehouse shipping worker Ben Worthen, 29, reportedly performed the actual designated ...

AMES, IA—Leading agriculturalists reported Wednesday that many vegetables, including carrots, eggplants, and zucchini are evolving rich, creamy chocolate centers in order to ensure their ...

PHILADELPHIA—A new study from the University of Pennsylvania revealed Wednesday that 81 percent of Americans experience muscle tension, elevated heart rate, and profuse sweating ...

MIAMI—Fast-food chain Burger King held a press conference Tuesday to unveil the newest thing on its menu for parents to halfheartedly throw in front ...

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Bil Keane, whose comic strip The Family Circus has appeared in newspapers since 1960, passed away last week at the age of 89.

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus ...

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AKRON, OH—At the smell of popcorn, everyone in Warren corporate headquarters looked up.

WILMETTE, IL—Super cool babysitter Liz Levy let the kids stay up late and drink. 

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$10.80 (+$0.19)(+1.8%) Share prices climbed today on word Ohio homemaker Debbie Turnquist had been absolutely bombarded with catalogs and was slowly ...

NEW YORK—In an effort to reduce soreness and prevent injury, New York City Marathon winner Geoffrey Mutai immediately followed his victory Sunday with a ...

BUFFALO, NY—As the clock expired Sunday in their 27-11 victory over division rival Buffalo, Jets players honored head coach Rex Ryan by dumping a ...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Trailing in the final seconds of last Sunday's game against New England, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, 30, stunned the Patriots ...

WASHINGTON—Lying on his sofa and flipping through channels Saturday night, Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin settled on a televised hockey game for a few ...

NEW YORK—After noting the respectable performance of Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh and the excellent record of San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim ...

GRANT, NE—Perkins County High School diving coach Tony Spencer was fired Friday for what he called an "old-fashioned no-water practice," a drill that left ...

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Shaquille O'Neal's frank and unflinching autobiography Shaq Uncut: My Story hits store shelves this week.

The Jets' last loss was to the Patriots. The Patriots have won only one game since then. Here's what each team must do to ...

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Faced with a potential shortfall of qualified personnel, NASA is currently accepting new applications for its astronaut-training program.

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Dear The Onion, So here’s the deal. I talk up how great your paper is for a few weeks and you agree to snip ...

Jim and Tracy go undercover in fat suits to find out how greedy, obnoxious, fat people are discriminated against by the public. 

According to Brooke Alvarez, the best way to deal with an uninformed person is to shame them and devastate their self-esteem.

The remarkable, cutting edge TYSO robot uses radio wave technology to notify the user that someone's about to bust in on him while he ...

Back to story: Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out

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A&E 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Watching tonight's four-hour block of fast-paced parking-ticket-enforcement action will not only catch you up ...

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CBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST This week's episode of the hit medical drama once again lulls the nation's fiftysomething ...

Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy.

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Joe Theismann's Contract Holdout Enters 26th Year

Rich White Guy Purchases Strong Black Guy To Help Him Out In The Field

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Red Sox Giving Away Entire Litter Of Dustin Pedroias

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Lineman Embarrassed He Never Learned To Swim Move

Wednesday morning at Thomas E. Dewey High School news broke that 17-year-old junior Jessica Milly will begin putting out.