KEENE, NH—After enduring a temporary moment of heartbreak upon hearing their grandmother had died in her sleep the previous night, children of the Sullivan family told reporters Monday they were immensely relieved to learn it wasn't the good grandma...
NORRISTOWN, PA—Despite receiving a “check-plus” on his three-page school project entitled “World War II,” fourth-grader Joe Fisher’s work grossly overlooks the full significance of Allied air offensives in Europe and th...
KALONA, IA—According to family sources, Barack Obama's aunt Claudia, 79, mailed a letter to the president Monday that included a short note and a carefully clipped-out article from the Highland Review newspaper mentioning the United States.
DETROIT—Following a phone call home Monday, Tigers starting pitcher Justin Verlander said that he hadn’t even bothered to explain the difference between a no-hitter and a perfect game to his parents, claiming that going into the various detail...
CHICAGO—Just days before the Blackhawks' first-round playoff loss to the Vancouver Canucks Wednesday, star right winger Patrick Kane announced to a stunned locker room that his father had taken a new job in Boise, ID and that he was moving away with...
FERNDALE, MI—After a storied three-month career as the starting running back, the third-string safety, and, when Billy's grandfather died, the punter for peewee football's Ferndale Jets, Jacob Banks, 10, announced Saturday afternoon he was retiring ...
LONDON—At a press conference Tuesday, 89-year-old Rose Biggin, a grandmother from the Camden Town neighborhood of North London, announced that she was in fact the internationally renowned graffiti artist known only as Banksy.
Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.
INDIANAPOLIS—While watching a recent Pacers-Cavaliers game with his 31-year-old son Daniel, Paul Steitzer, 64, began talking about former Jazz and Hawks legend "Pistol" Pete Maravich, marking the sixth time this season that Steitzer has brought up the Hall of Fame point guard from out of nowhere.
LA CROSSE, WI—"We're from Sweden or Norway or somewhere around there," said Sundling, who when prompted can accurately detail the origins of each costumed hero in the X-Men, the Avengers, the Defenders, and the Squadron Supreme. "I don't know for sure. I never really asked about it."
LOWELL, MA—The barbecue, which began shortly after 4 p.m., saw both emotionally fragile and needy family members Nicholas Aunchman, 3, and Sandy Aunchman, 41, square off in their attempts to be the evening’s sole focal point.
WASHINGTON, DC—Tensions were running high Tuesday as Americans nervously explained their jobs, gave workplace tours, and introduced their bastard children to coworkers on National "Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work" Day. "Today, we encourage young girls to think about the future while we acknowledge the sins of our past," said President Bush, who insisted that cameras remain trained on his face during his address. "Let's encourage our unnamed children to build a career that takes them to new and exciting places very, very far away." The annual holiday was established under President Kennedy in 1962.
GRAND MARAIS, MN—A pack of timberwolves failed to adopt and raise a human infant abandoned in Pat Bayle State Forest, local rangers reported Monday. "We found the baby starving and near-death in a part of the park with a substantial wolf population," ranger Warren Olafson said. "You'd think one of the wolves would lovingly pick up the child by the nape of the neck and bring it back to the woods to raise it like one of her own, but I guess it just didn't happen that way." Any parents missing an infant are advised to check near the cluster of downed maples midway up the eastern canoe portage.
MIDDLETOWN, CT–Unveiling her latest college-acquired quirk, Wesleyan University freshman Julie Freitag, 18, informed her parents Monday that she is staunchly opposed to the use of drinking straws. "I don't know if it's an environmental-waste thing or an I'm-all-grown-up thing or maybe something else altogether, but she won't touch a straw," said Jim Freitag, her father. "Every time we see her, she's got a new one: First, she wouldn't wear deodorant because of the aluminum, then she wouldn't watch the Oscars because of something to do with the war. But not using straws? What that's about?"
What is it with women these days? I'm seriously at the end of my rope. I mean, you treat a woman to dinner at a fancy restaurant three towns over, and by the end of the night, she's either telling you you're the greatest thing ever or she's dumping a bouquet of flowers over your head. And as for which response you get, well, that's anybody's guess. So tell me, are all women nuts, or just the ones I cheat on my wife with?
PANAMA CITY, FL—Tragedy was narrowly averted Tuesday, when local 14-year-old Andy Foss suspended his usual non-stop autoerotic stimulation just long enough to drag unconscious family members from the fire consuming their home. "Apparently, Andy's parents, brother, and two sisters were rendered unconscious by smoke and fumes engulfing the house," Panama City fire chief Bill Engel said. "They would have surely perished, had this remarkable young man not heroically torn himself away from masturbation long enough to drag them to safety." Upon the fire department's arrival, Foss reportedly requested an extra blanket.
MOBILE, AL— After years of eating regular Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the Conroy family upgraded Monday to the higher-end Velveeta Shells & Cheese. "We've finally arrived," said wife Beverly Conroy while serving up a heaping bowl of the delicacy, made possible by husband Corey's 35-cent raise at the local tile factory. "It's nothing but the finest processed instant foods for us from now on." Pending sensible budgeting, the family hopes to move up from Hydrox cookies to Oreos by August.
ROSE HILL, VA—Bruce Pillard, 34, was angered Tuesday over his 6-year-old daughter's indifferent reaction to A Charlie Brown Christmas. "That show is a classic and an annual tradition!" an incensed Pillard told daughter Courtney after watching the program on CBS. "It is not 'boring,' and the voices do not sound 'weird.' What the hell is wrong with you?" Courtney was then sent to her room for the remainder of the evening.
HUNTINGTON, WV–Absolutely everything, from ordering a pizza to going out to the movies, has to be a huge goddamn ordeal for the Flemings, father Bryce Fleming reported Tuesday. "Just once, could we maybe sit down and watch some goddamn TV together without the whole thing devolving into an all-night screaming match?" Fleming asked wife Tanya Fleming. "Could we?" Fleming went on to ask if that could happen once in the history of their goddamn household.
First off, let me just say that I'm not usually the jealous type. I have a wonderful marriage that's fulfilling in every way, so I have little reason to complain. It's just that, for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that June, my beloved hot, horny housewife of 21 years, has been spending an awful lot of time on the phone lately.
DARLINGTON, SC—According to loud reports from within the Kaminsky household Tuesday, if area father Russell Kaminsky steps on one more goddamn Lego, man, forget about it. "Gaaaaaaaaaa!" shouted Kaminsky, grimacing as he extracted a blue, two-peg Lego brick from his right instep. "I've told you a hundred times. This is it, this is the last warning: I step on one more Lego, and no one will ever step on another Lego in this house ever again, I promise." Observers are questioning Kaminsky's willingness to actually follow through on the threat, citing his failure to deliver on his Lincoln Logs ultimatum of last March.
I sure hope my baby don't come out all fucked-up and shit. 'Cause I know I'm gonna be a good mother, and I'm totally ready, no matter what anybody say, but I don't think I could deal with that. I mean, like, if something was wrong with it, that would suck so fuckin' bad.
ROCKY MOUNT, NC—Emotionally distant, undemonstrative father Earl Kolchak expressed his love for his 17-year-old daughter Jessica Tuesday the only way he knows how: by inquiring about the pressure of the four Firestone Radial tires on her 1995 Ford Festiva. "Are your tires full? You gotta make sure your tires are full, or you'll find yourself in big trouble one of these days," said Kolchak, conveying to Jessica how proud he is of her. "Tire pressure is nothing to mess with." Kolchak took his love for his daughter a step further by personally checking the tires with a hand-held pressure gauge, but later felt embarrassed by the expression of intimacy.
VIENNA, VA–John and Helen Blauvelt, proud parents of recent Duke Medical School graduate Diane Blauvelt, told their other, unsuccessful child Monday that they are proud of him, as well. "Jonathan, you may not be accomplished, impressive and destined for great things like your sister, but we love you, too," Helen told her undistinguished son Jonathan, 24, who dropped out of community college in 1994 and has done nothing with his life since. "You are not a huge disappointment in our eyes." The proud parents also praised their son's third-shift truckstop-waitress girlfriend as "very nice."