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Issue 4749

Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation

TAMPA BAY, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it's wrong and "very, very naughty," he secretly gets aroused when he sees a team line up in an illegal formation.

Who Is Romney Today?

Critics have long complained that instead of sticking to strong positions on issues such as immigration, federal spending, and health care reform, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has routinely changed his stance to appeal to voters. Here...

BCS National Championship Game

Alabama gets a mulligan and a chance to lose to LSU for the second time this year in a championship game that doubles as proof the BCS is a complete mess.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

The Week In Pictures

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Year In Review: Renewable Energy Source Encoded In Charlie Sheen's Rants
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Secretary Of Agriculture Attends Diplomatic Meeting With Foreign Cabbage
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Least Corrupt Politician In Illinois History Sentenced To 14 Years In Prison
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Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks
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Tom Brady Autobiography Highlights The Highs And Highs Of Being Tom Brady
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Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart
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Burglar Makes Sure To Crack Glass On Family Portrait
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Equestrian Instinctively Feels Deep, Meaningless Connection With Horse
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