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Issue 4749

Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation

TAMPA, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it’s wrong and “very, very naughty,” he secretly gets aroused when he sees a team line up in an illegal formation.

Who Is Romney Today?

Critics have long complained that instead of sticking to strong positions on issues such as immigration, federal spending, and health care reform, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has routinely changed his stance to appeal to voters. Here...

BCS National Championship Game

Alabama gets a mulligan and a chance to lose to LSU for the second time this year in a championship game that doubles as proof the BCS is a complete mess.

Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart

'He's Also A Terrible DJ!' Teen Squeals

CLAREMONT, CA—From the moment she first laid eyes on his clumsy, haphazardly sprayed graffiti tag, Pomona College sophomore Jessica Tisselo has been completely enamored with 24-year-old shitty street artist Adam Zane, the love-struck Tisselo told re...

The Rachel Maddow Show

MSNBC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Rachel Maddow once again proves she’s the only lesbian TV host who knows a damn thing about deficit reduction, Ellen.

Tech Tips

Much like wine, the second cheapest option is usually the best. Getting a portable hard drive is easier and cheaper than ever, but how much would you pay if all your precious photos and e-mail fell into the wrong hands? Certainly seems worth at least thr...

2011 In The Less Popular Sports

Any fan will tell you the big-name leagues aren't the whole sporting world. As time expires on 2011, we take a look at major accomplishments, happenings, and developments in the less popular sports. The Bassmaster lockout ends quickly as lake owne...

Area Man Carefully Weighs One Side Of Argument

BOISE, ID—Personnel manager Victor Hartley confirmed Wednesday that he is taking very seriously a dispute between employees Tom Gladstone and Harriet Deneve, giving the matter a great deal of thought and carefully weighing one side of the argument.

The Diabetic Basketball Association

ABC 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST The NBA won’t start its season until the end of the month, so enjoy tonight’s hot DBA matchup in which the Los Angeles Lifestyle takes on the Boston Body Mass Index."

Did Someone Say Bison?

Hi, hello there, sorry. I apologize if I'm interrupting, but did someone over here just say bison? I swear I wasn't eavesdropping or anything, but I was just standing over there and I couldn't help but notice that somebody mentioned something about bison,...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down

CINCINNATI—In a serious miscalculation that may prove devastating to his bid for a second term, President Barack Obama neglected Tuesday to simplify a statement to the point where it could readily be grasped by anyone with the vocabulary of an 8-yea...

Nation's Moms Demand Christmas List

ATLANTA—Saying the holidays are right around the corner and they want to make sure they get you something you'll really like this year, the nation's moms demanded a Christmas list Monday.

Report: Global Warming May Be Irreversible By 2006

GENEVA—A new report from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Monday that global warming is likely to become completely irreversible if no successful effort is made to slow down the trend before 2006. Unless greenhouse-gas emiss...

Greatest Regular Seasons In Sports

With the Packers enjoying a spectacular 2011 run, Onion Sports looks at some of the most remarkable regular seasons in sporting history: 1880 Chicago White Stockings: Compiled the best regular-season winning percentage in major-league hist...

Urban Meyer

Not even a year after he quit college football to recover his health and spend time with his family, two-time national champion Urban Meyer accepted the head coaching job at Ohio State. Is he any good?
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Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: