LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—In the latest stop on his goodwill tour to improve U.S. relations with foreign produce, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack attended a meeting ...

BOSTON—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, getting smacked right across the mouth with a goddamn tree branch ...

CLAREMONT, CA—From the moment she first laid eyes on his clumsy, haphazardly sprayed graffiti tag, Pomona College sophomore Jessica Tisselo has been completely enamored ...

ATLANTA—Saying the holidays are right around the corner and they want to make sure they get you something you'll really like this year ...

CINCINNATI—In a serious miscalculation that may prove devastating to his bid for a second term, President Barack Obama neglected Tuesday to simplify a statement ...

STAMFORD, CT—Admitting to a growing sense of unease, 6-year-old Zachary Barrett confided to reporters Monday that he might be getting too old to continue ...

BOISE, ID—Personnel manager Victor Hartley confirmed Wednesday that he is taking very seriously a dispute between employees Tom Gladstone and Harriet Deneve, giving the ...

WASHINGTON—Facing a grim fiscal future made even more uncertain by the looming insolvency of Greece and Italy, the U.S.

CHICAGO—According to unnerved sources, the donut shop at the corner of Belmont Avenue and Clark Street gets really weird after 11 a.m.

Critics have long complained that instead of sticking to strong positions on issues such as immigration, federal spending, and health care reform, Republican presidential candidate ...

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus ...

CHICAGO—Container Store employee Adam Desrosier likes to think of the store itself as one big container.

MINERVA, OH—Drew Beck, 36, realized that liking Will Smith is the only thing keeping him from being a full-fledged racist.

PORTLAND, OR—No one in Lucky Baldwin's Tavern believed David Post when he said that Salem is, in fact, the state's capital.

NORTH CONWAY, NH—The Tolbert household passed around the phone so that family members could have five identical conversations with Aunt Sally.

$11.64(-$0.36)(-3.0%) Stock prices plunged after Amanda wasn't buying it, no sir.

Click here to download Booty Wave.

PHILADELPHIA—Following the announcement Saturday that a deal had been reached to end the league-wide lockout, an exuberant Allen Iverson told reporters that every single ...

NEW YORK—In an effort to emphasize the value of its offerings and enhance the visibility of its brand, electronics superstore TV America will run ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he missed the thrill and challenge of chest pains, breathing difficulties, and rapid fluctuations in blood pressure, two-time college national champion football ...

SYRACUSE, NY—After the dismissal of Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine and the arrest of former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, the ...

MIAMI—The Miami Marlins announced Saturday they are completely sold out of tickets for the 2012 season, ending a deluge of requests from area residents ...

DURHAM, NC—Though cautioning that it is still early in the season, a beaming Mike Krzyzewski told reporters Monday he has not seen a Duke ...

DALLAS—Team owners across the major leagues were galvanized Monday by news that the Hilton Anatole hotel, which will host professional baseball's official 2011 ...

MOORESVILLE, NC—Veteran NASCAR racer Kurt Busch, long a fan favorite for old-school stock-car-driver antics such as reckless racing, fistfights with competitors, and hard drinking ...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—A new autobiography by New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the ups and even greater ups of ...

TAMPA BAY, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it's wrong and "very, very naughty ...

Much like wine, the second cheapest option is usually the best. Getting a portable hard drive is easier and cheaper than ever, but how much ...

With the Packers enjoying a spectacular 2011 run, Onion Sports looks at some of the most remarkable regular seasons in sporting history: 1880 Chicago White ...

Any fan will tell you the big-name leagues aren't the whole sporting world. As time expires on 2011, we take a look at major ...

Not even a year after he quit college football to recover his health and spend time with his family, two-time national champion Urban Meyer accepted ...

Alabama gets a mulligan and a chance to lose to LSU for the second time this year in a championship game that doubles as proof ...

A developer discovered a hard-to-detect bit of software on Android phones that tracks your location, phone calls, and text messages, and report them back to ...

The International Union of Pure Applied Chemistry unveiled two new elements last week, tentatively named flerovium and livermorium.

A study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that only one in 100 teens had sent nude or sexually explicit images via phone, as opposed ...

Scientists from the University of California–Riverside announced they have rediscovered a bumblebee that was last seen in 1956.

Some rock bands, including the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica, have changed the dates of their tours to ensure payment in the event the ...

Dear The Onion, Once upon a time, a king cast his three children out to make their way in the world. Their adventure will continue ...

Dear The Onion, My downstairs neighbors are super loud, and I am super passive-aggressive, so I hope this letter shames them enough to keep it ...

Parents are lining up at disreputable hardware stores across the nation to get their hands on this holiday season's most sought-after item: a bucket ...

Earlier this year, scientists found that Charlie Sheen's incomprehensible rants were actually a secret code for a formula to produce renewable energy.

Back in February, the people of Egypt revolted against their dictator, Hosni Mubarak, in brave act of insurrection that could've turned into a really ...

One fan tries to stump Brooke with a tough question about the giant hadron collider, but Brooke isn't ruffled in the slightest.

Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.

A local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever, 54 Iraqi civilians die in not our problem anymore, and the U.S.

Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack continues his good-will tour to improve relations with foreign produce, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a ...

ABC 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST The NBA won’t start its season until the end of the month, so enjoy tonight ...

MSNBC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Rachel Maddow once again proves she’s the only lesbian TV host who knows a damn ...

Headline 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Nancy recounts her favorite kidnappings from 2011.

Kenny and Doc nearly beat each other with chains over the end of the NBA lockout, Tim Tebow's terribleness, and the Astros' plan to ...

Bill Belichick Digs Past Knives, Derringers In Sock Before Throwing Challenge Flag