Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•05 • Feb 2, 2011

WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of President Obama and his domestic agenda, all 242 House Republicans voted Wednesday to repeal the Asteroid Destruction and American ...

Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•06 • Feb 10, 2011

CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a ...

Anthropologists Trace Human Origins Back To One Large Goat

'Wait, That Can't Be Right,' Scientists Say

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•07 • Feb 17, 2011

NEW YORK—An international team of anthropologists announced Monday it had traced the lineage of Homo sapiens back to a single large Pliocene-era goat.

Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•08 • Feb 21, 2011

WASHINGTON—At a press conference Tuesday, visibly embarrassed leaders of the Republican National Committee acknowledged that their nonstop, effusive praise of Ronald Reagan has been ...

NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•08 • Feb 23, 2011

WASHINGTON—After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration ...

Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•08 • Feb 26, 2011

CLEVELAND—During an unexpected moment of clarity Tuesday, open-minded man Blake Richman was suddenly struck by the grim realization that he's squandered a significant ...

Laid-Back Voices Urging Man To Kill His Family When He Gets A Chance

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•12 • Mar 26, 2011

CLAYTON, MO—According to easygoing voices inside the head of local man Tom Kepler, 39, the husband and father of three should maybe consider murdering ...

Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•16 • Apr 21, 2011

BELMONT, MA—Though Mitt Romney is considered to be a frontrunner for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, the national spotlight has forced him to repeatedly ...

Congress Gets In 12 Solid Hours Of Gridlocking Before Calling It A Day

Legislators Proudly Call Gridlocking Session A 'Team Effort'

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•18 • May 4, 2011

WASHINGTON—Exhausted but satisfied leaders from both parties came together Tuesday night to announce that Congress had successfully completed 12 solid hours of nonstop gridlocking ...

Report: Area Woman Has Best Friends In Whole World

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•19 • May 12, 2011

NEW HAVEN, CT—A new report released Wednesday by a privately funded think tank revealed that local receptionist Amanda Berley, 31, has the best friends ...

HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•19 • May 14, 2011

PALO ALTO, CA—Hewlett-Packard announced Friday the release of the first-ever non-computer, a fully unusable device spe≠cially designed to address the demands of individuals ...

Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•20 • May 16, 2011

ST. CLOUD, MN—Onlookers expressed shock and grudging admiration Wednesday after noticing a full load of mulch had been dumped in what all agreed was ...

Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•20 • May 18, 2011

TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to ...

'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•21 • May 28, 2011

CHICAGO—Following various incidents in which they stumbled, got distracted, or simply lost their grip, thousands of dopes across the country announced Friday that they ...

Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner For Republican Presidential Nomination

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•23 • Jun 8, 2011

WASHINGTON—According to a Quinnipiac University poll conducted this week, a homemade anti-Obama sign has surged to the front of the 2012 Republican presidential field ...

Tim Pawlenty Shaves Off Every Hair On His Body In Really Weird Campaign Gaffe

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•24 • Jun 14, 2011

DES MOINES, IA—In what political insiders are calling one of the weirdest campaign gaffes in history, Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty shaved every single ...

Little Clay Thing Bought At Arts Festival

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•28 • Jul 16, 2011

EUGENE, OR—A small, somewhat spherical clay thing with various types of decorations on it was purchased Friday at the ninth annual Eugene Arts Festival ...

Last Male Heir To Bloodline Watches Movie Alone On Laptop

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•29 • Jul 23, 2011

CULVER CITY, CA—Nathan Brandten, the last remaining male heir to a rich genetic lineage stretching dozens of generations into the dim and distant past ...

Democrats, Republicans Celebrate Pitiful Excuse For Common Ground

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•31 • Aug 1, 2011

WASHINGTON—Following Sunday’s pathetic excuse for an agreement on raising the government’s borrowing limit, Democrats and Republicans took time to celebrate the meager ...

Kid Massive

Just Absolutely Massive

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•31 • Aug 4, 2011

GREENWOOD, IN—Despite being only 11 years old, local kid David Bailey is absolutely fucking massive—just an absolute Mack truck of a boy—astonished ...

Bristol Palin Interview Accidentally Reveals Mother's 15 Abortions

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•32 • Aug 8, 2011

WASILLA, AK—Sarah Palin's political team was forced to do emergency damage control Monday after the former Alaska governor's daughter Bristol accidentally divulged ...

Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill

'We're Going All In, Boys,' Congressmen Say

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•34 • Aug 24, 2011

WASHINGTON—In a stunning emergency session Wednesday, all 535 members of Congress unanimously agreed to pool what remained of their political capital and bet the ...

First-Ever Gay 'Dear John' Letters Begin Reaching U.S. Troops Overseas

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•38 • Sep 21, 2011

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Hailed as a monumental step toward equality by gay rights activists, hundreds of Dear John letters reportedly began reaching newly outed troops overseas ...

Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•40 • Oct 6, 2011

CUPERTINO, CA—Steve Jobs, the visionary co-founder of Apple Computers and the only American in the country who had any clue what the fuck he ...

New Decoy Website Launched To Lure Away All Moronic Internet Commenters

News • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•42 • Oct 20, 2011

SAN JOSE, CA—With funding from dozens of news outlets and media companies, the groundbreaking Outkube.com launched this week, providing an online destination where ...

Area Man Has No Idea How He Got On Hamas E-Mail List

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•01 • Jan 5, 2011

ATLANTA—Twenty-two-year-old bank teller Paul Branocek told reporters Wednesday he is clueless as to why the militant Palestinian organization Hamas began sending e-mails to his ...

Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•02 • Jan 12, 2011

TUCSON, AZ—Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspect—accused of a shooting spree that left ...

Report: It Going To Take Way More Than An Inconceivable Act Of Violence For Country To Rise Above Politics

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•02 • Jan 13, 2011

WASHINGTON—Sources struggling to make sense of the shooting rampage in Tucson confirmed Wednesday that it would take much more than brutally gunning down a ...

Illinois Supreme Court Deems Rahm Emanuel Sleazy Enough To Run For Mayor Of Chicago

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•05 • Feb 2, 2011

CHICAGO—In a unanimous decision handed down on Thursday, the Illinois Supreme Court ruled that former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel was sleazy ...

Obama Delivers Whispered, Untelevised Speech On Gun Control

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•05 • Feb 4, 2011

WASHINGTON—President Obama delivered a 10-minute-long inaudible and untelevised speech on gun control Thursday, addressing the politically volatile topic from behind the closed doors of ...

Senator Honored For Work With Overprivileged Americans

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•06 • Feb 11, 2011

HOUSTON—Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), long a champion of the country's most advantaged Americans, was honored for his 20 years of work with the ...

Man Who Temporarily Disables Facebook Account Deems Self 'Off The Grid'

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•08 • Feb 24, 2011

ATLANTA—After deciding to disable his Facebook account in an effort to increase productivity, Chad Allen announced in a Facebook update Thursday that he was ...

Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•08 • Feb 25, 2011

WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped ...

Report: Majority Of ADD Cases Go Undiagnosed Until Child's First Public Failure

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•08 • Feb 27, 2011

WASHINGTON—A new report by the Mayo Clinic revealed that most cases of Attention Deficit Disorder are not diagnosed until one or both parents are ...

New iPhone Application Tracks Progress Of Deceased Loved Ones' Decomposition

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•09 • Mar 4, 2011

CUPERTINO, CA—According to its description on the Apple App Store website, Decomposhop, a new application that allows users to track the putrefaction of their ...

New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•10 • Mar 9, 2011

TAMPA, FL—The American Association of Cosmetic and Plastic Surgeons announced Tuesday the approval of a groundbreaking new technique that will allow an otherwise normal ...

Nuclear Energy Advocates Insist U.S. Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•11 • Mar 17, 2011

WASHINGTON—Responding to the ongoing nuclear crisis in Japan, officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S.

Quick-Lube Shop Masters Electronic Record Keeping Six Years Before Medical Industry

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•11 • Mar 18, 2011

KETTERING, OH—A comprehensive digital cataloging system that keeps track of its customers' car maintenance history, oil-change needs, and past fuel-filter replacements puts Karl's ...

Visiting Friend Okay Doing Whatever

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•12 • Mar 27, 2011

SAN FRANCISCO—Minutes after arriving at Scott Clark's apartment Friday, college friend Marc Karam, 26, announced that he didn't really have any plans ...

'Arby's Has Been Putting More Onion Bits On Their Buns,' Reports Man Sinking Into Heavy Depression

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•16 • Apr 23, 2011

KANSAS CITY—According to local Patrick Johnson, the amount of crunchy onion bits baked into Arby's sandwich buns seems to have increased somewhat recently ...

Pfizer Breaks Psychological Need To Always Seek FDA's Approval

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•18 • May 3, 2011

NEW YORK—Pfizer spokesman Vincent Martin announced that the company had achieved a major personal breakthrough Monday by finally summoning the courage and confidence to ...

Man Unable To Explain Contempt He Feels For Group Of People Enjoying One Another's Company

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•21 • May 29, 2011

RICHMOND, VA—A table of people enjoying a friendly conversation plunged diner John Richards into a deep, bitter resentment Monday that he was completely unable ...

Report: You Know You Are A Fucking Idiot, Right?

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•28 • Jul 14, 2011

AMHERST, MA—According to a study published Friday by experts who can tell just by looking at you, you have got to be aware that ...

God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•29 • Jul 21, 2011

AUSTIN, TX—Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to ...

Nation's Weirdest Teenager Buys Season One DVD Of 'Murphy Brown'

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•30 • Jul 25, 2011

MUSCATINE, IA—Local teen Brian Lemire, who reports indicate is by far the most bizarre person within his age group anywhere in America, purchased a ...

Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•31 • Aug 4, 2011

WASHINGTON—After months of heated negotiations and failed attempts to achieve any kind of consensus, President Obama turned 50 years old Thursday, drawing strong criticism ...

Straight, Gay Service Members Looking Forward To Asking, Telling Come September

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•32 • Aug 11, 2011

WASHINGTON—With Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the policy on gay men and women serving in the military, set to expire Sept.

New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers'

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•34 • Aug 25, 2011

SAN FRANCISCO—Following the resignation of Apple founder Steve Jobs, incoming CEO Tim Cook called a meeting of shareholders and members of the press Thursday ...

Overtired 398-Month-Old Throws Tantrum

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•34 • Aug 25, 2011

LANSING, MI—Appearing tired, agitated, and "a lot fussier than usual," whining 398-month-old Jeff Burnsworth reportedly threw a big tantrum Saturday evening.

Nation Would Rather Think About 9/11 Than Anything From Subsequent 10 Years

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•36 • Sep 7, 2011

NEW YORK—As media coverage of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 ramps up this week, citizens across the United States collectively realized they would ...

'If Only Sully Had Been Flying Those Planes On 9/11,' Grade-A Idiot Remarks

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•37 • Sep 12, 2011

MARTINSVILLE, VA—Reflecting on the events of Sept. 11, 2001, grade-A moron Dennis Lloyd remarked aloud to friends Sunday that the tragedy likely would have ...

Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•39 • Sep 27, 2011

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—According to a statement released Tuesday by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the babies born in 2011 have thus far been ...

New Study Finds Link Between Cancer, Reading Text On Computer Screen

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•40 • Oct 9, 2011

ATLANTA—A new study released Monday by the Centers for Disease Control has found a direct link between a particularly aggressive strain of ocular cancer ...

Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43 • Oct 26, 2011

SANTA ROSA, CA—A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly ...

LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43 • Oct 29, 2011

KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct ...

New Facebook Feature Allows User To Cancel Account

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•44 • Oct 31, 2011

PALO ALTO, CA—In its ongoing effort to enrich the way people connect and interact, social media website Facebook introduced a new feature Monday that ...

Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters

'These People Scare The Bejeezus Out Of Me,' Says Candidate

News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•44 • Nov 1, 2011

SALT LAKE CITY—With a recent Gallup poll indicating only 2 percent of his party supports his candidacy for president, Jon Huntsman confided to staffers ...

Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend

Radio News • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 12, 2011

Woman Begs Her Friend To Take Dessert Menu Away From Her

Radio News • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 13, 2011

Fourteen-Year-Old Girl Denied Pony Keg For Her Birthday

Radio News • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 14, 2011

Only 4% Of Young Girl's Possessions Are Sticker-Free

Radio News • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 15, 2011

Plague Of 17-Year Giraffes Decimates U.S. Southwest

Radio News • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 16, 2011

Report: Smart Car Terrible For Doughnuts

News in Photos • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•03 • Jan 18, 2011

Trump Unable To Produce Certificate Proving He's Not A Festering Pile Of Shit

News in Photos • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•17 • Apr 27, 2011

Satellite Frantically Trying To Bounce Signal To Swearing Man's Phone

News in Photos • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•19 • May 10, 2011

Elderly Couple To Try Peacefully Dying Together Again Tonight

News in Photos • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•20 • May 14, 2011

Area Teen Smoking Like He's Been To Fucking War Or Something

News in Photos • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•37 • Sep 17, 2011

Man Receives First Baboon-Face Transplant

News in Photos • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•41 • Oct 11, 2011

Rick Perry Speech Electrifies 1,200 Scared, Miserable Racists

News in Photos • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•42 • Oct 24, 2011

Fumbling, Inarticulate Obituary Writer Somehow Losing Debate To Christopher Hitchens

News in Photos • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 16, 2011

When You Hire Union Plumbers, You Hire Trained Professionals Who Won't Fuck Your Wife

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•03 • Jan 18, 2011

By Wendell Pupecki, UA Plumbers Local 34

It Seems The Hunter Has Become Arrested For Not Having A Gun License

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•04 • Jan 25, 2011

By Rick Knepshield

I've Got You Dumb Motherfuckers Eating Right Out Of My Hand

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•05 • Feb 1, 2011

By John Lasseter, Chief Creative Officer, Pixar

And To Think, No One Believed A Website That Puts People In Dangerous Physical And Sexual Situations Could Succeed

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•07 • Feb 17, 2011

By Craig Newmark, Founder, Craigslist

Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•15 • Apr 12, 2011

By Capt. Denny MacMillon

Let's Just Go Ahead And Assume We've Learned The Lessons Of The Gabrielle Giffords Shooting

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•21 • May 24, 2011

By Ellen Crawford-Price

I Just Want To Say That I Hated Every Moment Of That Piece-Of-Shit Show

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•23 • Jun 7, 2011

By Oprah Winfrey

Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•30 • Jul 26, 2011

By Adam Cuneo

Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•33 • Aug 15, 2011

By Michele Bachmann, Congresswoman

We Need To Do More When It Comes To Having Brief, Panicked Thoughts About Climate Change

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•36 • Sep 6, 2011

By Rhett Stevenson

No Matter How Much You Protect Your Kids, Sooner Or Later One Of Them's Going To Drown In A Swimming Pool

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•40 • Oct 4, 2011

By Susan Carr, Parenting Expert

I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon

Commentary • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•41 • Oct 11, 2011

By T. Herman Zweibel, Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911)

Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party

Advice • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•09 • Mar 3, 2011

By Pyotr Lempitskaia

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party, My next-door neighbor has something of an in-house menagerie ...

As Long As You're Smiling, Nothing Can Get You Down vs. This Shelter For Homeless AIDS Sufferers Has Been Defunded; Please Gather Your Things

Point/Counterpoint • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•34 • Aug 23, 2011

By Carlos Rodriguez, Volunteer Worker

Point As Long As You're Smiling, Nothing Can Get You Down Now and again we all find ourselves feeling a little bit "blue." That ...

Yankees Re-Sign Popular Mascot Derek Jeter

Sports News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 46•49 • Dec 10, 2010

NEW YORK—Following weeks of tense negotiations, the New York Yankees finally agreed Wednesday to a $51 million, three-year deal to bring back the team ...

Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim

Sports News in Brief • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•01 • Jan 5, 2011

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan held a press conference Monday to unveil the newest style in the Florsheim catalog, called simply "the Duncan." "We ...

Style For Men

Tips • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 13, 2011

Men's fashion choices are becoming increasingly more complex. Here are some tips to help you sort through the contradictory ideas you might have about ...

Ray Lewis Releases Primal Scream After Successfully Transferring Money To Checking Account

Photo Finish • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43 • Oct 28, 2011

Obama Befriends Rich Elderly Widow In Hopes She'll Put Nation In Her Will

Newsroom • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•18 • May 3, 2011

President Obama denies he's spending hours at billionaire Adelia Scott's bedside as part of a scheme to lower the national debt, but many ...

2011: The Economy

American Voices • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 12, 2011

This year, the struggling economy once again dominated headlines, and most of the news was bad. How has the slow recovery affected you?

2011: International

American Voices • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 13, 2011

This year saw political unrest in the Middle East and Russia, economic crisis in Europe, and a former president of the Ivory Coast on trial ...

2011: Entertainment

American Voices • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 14, 2011

Though box office receipts, TV ratings, and music sales went down, 2011 was still a banner year for video games and streaming video.

2011: Technology

American Voices • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 15, 2011

Many technological breakthroughs occurred in 2011. In your opinion, what was the biggest achievement?

2011: Politics

American Voices • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 16, 2011

Party brinksmanship in Congress has led to the government nearly shutting down on multiple occasions this year.

2011's Most Influential People In Economic News

Slideshow • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 12, 2011

In a year in which the world economy continued to slide, here are five people everybody can blame in order to avoid taking any individual ...

2011's Top 5 International Newsmakers

Slideshow • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 13, 2011

Today The Onion counts down the biggest names in international news, from leaders removed from power to those still happily rigging national elections.

2011's Biggest Names In Entertainment

Slideshow • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 14, 2011

Who were the biggest newsmakers in movies, music, and ruling over the country of England?

2011's Biggest Newsmakers In Science & Technology

Slideshow • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 15, 2011

A roundup of the great minds who brought us discovery, innovation, and a phone you can yell at to find you Chinese food.

2011's Biggest Political Newsmakers

Slideshow • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 16, 2011

Seven people who dominated the horribly depressing world of politics.

2011's Biggest Names In Local News

Slideshow • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 17, 2011

Nobody affected the local world more than these five people.

Those We Lost In 2011

Slideshow • ISSUE 47•50 • Dec 18, 2011

Once again, the world experienced several million deaths over the course of a year. Five of those people who died were famous.

Apple Announces Plans To Release Steve Jobs 2 (Full coverage Tues 10/9c only on IFC)

Onion News Network On IFC • ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•41 • Oct 10, 2011

Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that in 2012 the company will release the Steve Jobs 2, an updated version of the revolutionary Apple founder featuring ...