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Issue 4751

How To Consume Spicy Foods

Spicy foods continue to grow in popularity, whether they agree with your palate or not. Here are some tips on how to avoid social awkwardness while consuming spicy dishes: Assure your palate you mean it no harm by giving it a little kiss before ea...

Those We Lost In 2011

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-il, Col. Muammar Qaddafi, Family Circus creator Bil Keane, al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden.

Popular New DirecTV Package Offers Zero NHL Games

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Satellite broadcast provider DirecTV has been inundated with new subscribers following Monday's introduction of NHL ShutOut, a special new sports entertainment package that allows customers to miss 100 percent of National Hockey Leagu...

Nation Gathers Around Radio Set To Listen To Big Ball Game

WASHINGTON—After the little ones had finished up the last of their supper, moms had dashed out to get the last of the wash off the line before the sun set, and dads had quietly finished smoking their pipes behind the evening newspaper, eager citizen...

The Great Sports Books

To mark the publication of The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion takes a look at the proud tradition of sports literature.

God: Human Body Not Designed To Play Football

THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, made a statement Thursday in which He condemned the practice of human beings playing football, proclaiming He had never intended the body to suffer such punishment.

Lovie Smith Says Voices In Headset Keep Calling Him Idiot

CHICAGO—Harried, flinch-prone Bears head coach Lovie Smith said Thursday his biggest concern going into the 2011-2012 NFL season would be the constant presence of the cruel, derisive voices in his headset that keep calling him an idiot. "I had ...

Miami's Alleged Violations

As the University of Miami is investigated for illegal dealings between players and boosters, Onion Sports offers this handy guide to what is alleged to have happened.

Insane Moron Draws Conclusion From NFL Preseason Game

BRISTOL, CT—Basing his argument on an entirely meaningless preseason game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, a deranged idiot came to a completely fucking stupid conclusion Tuesday about the whole 2011 NFL season, sources confirmed. ...

Most Memorable Hall Of Fame Speeches

Last weekend, Shannon Sharpe's tribute to his brother and Deion Sanders' strange humility were two reminders of the heights that sports hall of fame speeches can reach.

Randy Moss

 Flamboyant, outspoken receiver Randy Moss has retired after 13 NFL seasons, some brilliant, some bad, none boring. Was he any good?

Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer

CANTON, OH—In his fourth year of eligibility, eight-time Pro Bowler Cris Carter, who scored 130 receiving touchdowns on 1,101 receptions over the course of his career, finally entered the Hall of Fame on Thursday by paying $21 for a ticket. Carter w...

NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments

CHARLOTTE, NC—NASCAR took direct and immediate action Wednesday in response to homophobic slurs made by driver Kyle Busch last weekend, levying an award of $50,000 to the popular Sprint Cup star. NASCAR spokesman Ramsey Poston said he had reviewed t...

Animal Kingdom

This 20-1 longshot wasn't presumed to be quick in the dirt, but he finished with a blistering final half-mile to win the 137th Kentucky Derby.

NASCAR Drivers Stop Cars Mid-Race, Exit Vehicles, Walk Off Premises

'This is Ridiculous,' Drivers Say

RICHMOND, VA —The Crown Royal 400 at Richmond International Raceway was cut short Saturday night as the entire field of drivers slowed to a halt on lap 244, shut off their engines, exited their cars, and walked off the track, saying that driving car...

18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing

NEW YORK—A capacity crowd of 18,000 sports fans erupted into wild cheers and applause Thursday when a thing traveled through another thing. The thing—which was sent into the air in a last-ditch attempt to score as time expired, and which went ...

Juror Brings Baseball Glove To Barry Bonds Perjury Trial

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying that "you never know," juror Jesse Ferguson has worn his baseball glove to the Barry Bonds perjury trial every day, telling reporters Tuesday that his seat on the jury is in a perfect spot should Bonds really connect o...

The University Honor Code

Brandon Davies' dismissal from the BYU basketball team for honor code violations has drawn attention to the very idea of honor codes. We've outlined some of the more prominent examples for you.

76ers Ask Knicks If They Want To Be In Rivalry With Them

PHILADELPHIA—Considering the teams share a division, come from major metropolitan areas in relative proximity to one another, and the fact that it would just be nice to have a little something extra to play for, the Philadelphia 76ers reportedly ask...

Calgary Flames Trying To Keep Fact That They're A Hockey Team From Landlord

CALGARY—While the Flames stand at a modest 31-23-8 and are in 8th place in the Western Conference, team sources revealed this week that the team's main struggle this season has been tricking their landlord, Mr. Bennigan, into thinking they are not a professional hockey team and that no hockey is being played on the Scotiabank Saddledome premises.

Puppy Bowl Marred By Tragic Spinal Injury

SILVER SPRING, MD—Puppy Bowl VII, puppy football's biggest annual event, came to a complete standstill Sunday when Alvin, a 3-month-old schnauzer mix, suffered a freak spinal injury while chasing down a loose squeaky football. The injury, which occu...

Toughness in Sports

Jay Cutler's supposed lack of toughness has people discussing the gutsiest performances in sports. Here are the ones we'll always remember:

Problems With Athletes' Charities

A recent Dallas Morning News report revealed that many charities run by sports stars are poorly managed, with some organizations appearing to exist only to employ the athletes' friends. Some extreme examples:

NFL Season Seems To Be Building To Some Sort Of Climax

NEW YORK—Though fewer and fewer games are being held each weekend, sources confirmed Thursday that anticipation and tension throughout the NFL seems to be gradually increasing, and the entire 2010-2011 season appears to be building toward some sort of momentous climax.

Features Of The New

Women make up a quarter of the ESPN audience, and now the network has just soft-launched a new website for female sports fans. Here are some of the planned features.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.