Issue 4801

Called It!

CBS 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Chad and Kristen hook up just like you knew they would, while the storyline you predicted two weeks ago about Paige being the one who spread the rumor of Raven being pregnant is revealed.

All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charl...

Origin Story

Spike 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST How Eli Wallach became the Flash.

Best Debate Moments

The Republican presidential candidates have participated in 13 debates since last May, with each event seeming to have a different frontrunner. As the Iowa Caucus leads us into the primary season, here are some highlights from the verbal jousts: ...

Levi McShane

Levi McShane politely listened to the girl he secretly loves talk about how casual sex isn’t what she wants long term, but it will do for now.

Man Suspected Of Being Bumbling Spy

WASHINGTON—Citing his erratic social behaviors, sudden unexplained disappearances, nondescript occupation, and habit of accidentally walking off piers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of 37-year-old Jeff Walther said Thursday they ...

Zero To Hero

USA 9:30 p.m. EST/8:30 p.m. CST Host George Wendt gives three contestants zero money and no advice, telling them to come back with the best meatball hero in town. George Wendt judges.

Cam Wright

Cam Wright, drummer for the Bakersfield, CA bar band Gambiteer, decided the group’s “Spoonful” cover sounded tighter without his extended solo, and dropped it from Friday’s set.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

Job Interview Tips

When you're job-hunting, getting called for an interview is only half the battle. Here are some strategies that can make you stand out during a meeting with a potential employer: An interview is a negotiation, so always reject the first job offer. It is ...

Ivy League Horse

TBS 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST The mathematics department is once again astonished when Speckles the Ivy League Horse casually eyes a complex non-Euclidean geometry problem and immediately clops his hoof the correct 214 times.

UFC Fan Knows What All Those Guys' Names Are

KINGSPORT, TN—Sources confirmed Monday that area resident Kyle Nickerson apparently knows the actual names of all those guys in the UFC and that, to him, they don't all sort of run together.

Happy New Year

The New Year is full of promise and mystery. How did you ring in 2012?

End Of Section
  • More News

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.