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Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery

• Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term

  ISSUE 48•01 ISSUE 0• | 01.04.12 | News

  PITTSBURGH—Citing three years of exhausting partisan politics, constant gridlock in Congress, and an overall feeling that the entire nation has "completely lost it," President Barack Obama openly asked a campaign-rally crowd Tuesday why h... more»

  

• Man Suspected Of Being Bumbling Spy

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | News

  WASHINGTON—Citing his erratic social behaviors, sudden unexplained disappearances, nondescript occupation, and habit of accidentally walking off piers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of 37-year-old Jeff Walther said Thursday they ... more»

  

• All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.07.12 | News

  SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charl... more»

  

• Christmas Letter Ominously Makes No Mention Of The Twins

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.02.12 | News in Brief

  GREECE, NY—Though the annual Christmas letter from the Thompsons addresses Elliot's first semester at college and Mom's new job, it eerily makes no mention of the twins, concerned sources reported Monday. more»

• Prime Minister Of Norway Gets Laid

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | News in Brief

  OSLO, NORWAY—Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg got laid on Friday, according to a spokesperson for the Norwegian government. more»

  

• 600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | News in Brief

  DES MOINES, IA—With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter has won the 2012 Iowa Caucus. more»

  

• 'These Last Two Are Gonna Be Real Turds,' George R.R. Martin Assures Fans

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | News in Brief

  SANTA FE, NM—In the wake of last year's highly successful publication of the fifth installment in his A Song Of Ice And Fire series, author George R.R. more»

  

• Boy Scouts Celebrate Proud History Of Preparing Teens For Not Having Cool Friends

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | News in Brief

  IRVING, TX—At a gala event last weekend, the Boy Scouts of America celebrated its century-long legacy of preparing young men for lifetimes devoid of friendships with their cool, respected peers. more»

• New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | News in Brief

  CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study scheduled to be released today by the cognitive sciences department at MIT is going to have to be delayed at least another week or so, confirmed a group of red-eyed scientists who looked as though they might burst into tear... more»

• Man Who Said 'Yes' To Life Found With Mountain Bike At Bottom Of Gorge

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.07.12 | News in Brief

  MOAB, UT—Authorities announced Tuesday that the body of 27-year-old screen printer Tom Finnery, a person friends confirmed always said yes to life and no to the idea of limits, had been found lying 20 feet from his mountain bike at the bottom of a g... more»

• Mississippi Brings Down Yet Another National Average

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.08.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—With a new study ranking it last among the 50 states yet again, Mississippi once more brought down the overall national average on another key quality-of-life indicator Monday. more»

• Best Debate Moments

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | Infographic

  The Republican presidential candidates have participated in 13 debates since last May, with each event seeming to have a different frontrunner. As the Iowa Caucus leads us into the primary season, here are some highlights from the verbal jousts: ... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 3, 2012

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Horoscope

  Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ... more»

• What Did We Find In Our Winter Coat Pockets?

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | Statshot

  

• Pawn Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.02.12 | Radio News

• Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Radio News

• Dead Werewolf Apparently Allergic To Peanuts

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | Radio News

• New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | Radio News

• U.S. Gives Up On Trying To Impress England

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | Radio News

• Least Corrupt Politician In Illinois History Sentenced To 14 Years In Prison

  ISSUE 48•01 | 12.07.11 | News in Photos

  

• 'Maybe Hang Out In The Water Awhile, Then Look For Some Old Bread,' Duck Tells Self

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.08.12 | News in Photos

  

• My Kids Are Learning How To Drive…Me Up The Wall!

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Commentary

  Honk! Honk! Pull over, loyal readers. Pull way over. Keep going. More. To tell you the truth, you better clear the road completely. more»

• Google Inc. (GOOG)

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Stockwatch

  $675.19 (-$9.92) (-1.4%) Disillusioned investors sent this once-mighty web company’s stock into a tailspin after it came to light that CEO Larry Page was still using his Hotmail account. more»

• USB Drives To Watch In 2012

  ISSUE 48•01 ISSUE 0• | 01.06.12 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Change of Command

  ISSUE 48•01 | 12.12.11 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• UFC Fan Knows What All Those Guys' Names Are

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.02.12 | Sports News in Brief

  KINGSPORT, TN—Sources confirmed Monday that area resident Kyle Nickerson apparently knows the actual names of all those guys in the UFC and that, to him, they don't all sort of run together. more»

  

• Presidential Fitness Test Now Awarded To Any Kid Who Can Eat Without Sweating

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Finally conceding it is unrealistic to expect today's children to complete a pull-up, run a mile, or touch their toes, the President's Council on Fitness, Sports, and Nutrition announced Tuesday the new standard for winning its award woul... more»

  

• NHL Tries To Pass Off Commercial Flight As Flyover For Winter Classic

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | Sports News in Brief

  PHILADELPHIA—NHL officials seized the opportunity given them when a United Airlines 737 passed over Citizen's Park Bank during the opening festivities of Monday's Winter Classic, attempting to convince the 46,967 fans in attendance that flight 2734 ... more»

  

• Job Interview Tips

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Tips

  When you're job-hunting, getting called for an interview is only half the battle. Here are some strategies that can make you stand out during a meeting with a potential employer: An interview is a negotiation, so always reject the first job offer. It is ... more»

  

• Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Newsroom

  The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple cigarettes at a party. more»

  

• Happy New Year

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.02.12 | American Voices

• President Signs Controversial Defense Bill

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | American Voices

  Despite having fought against many of its provisions, President Obama signed a defense appropriations bill that allows the military to detain American citizens indefinitely. more»

• Some Organics Not Green

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | American Voices

  As they ramp up production to meet the demands of a growing market, some organic farms are coming under scrutiny for agricultural practices that may do more harm to the land than good. more»

• Fracking Causing Earthquakes?

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | American Voices

  Fracking wastewater is being blamed for several recent Youngstown, OH earthquakes, including one that reached a magnitude of 4.0. more»

• Perry Stays In Race

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | American Voices

  Despite a disappointing fifth-place finish in the Iowa caucus, Texas governor Rick Perry decided to stay in the Republican presidential race. more»

• The Week In Pictures

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.09.12 | Slideshow

  

• 2011 Top Story: Japanese Nuclear Reactor Totally Safe Says Two-Headed Plant Official

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.02.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

  In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up blood. more»

  

• Did The Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman?

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

  The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. more»

  

• Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | Onion Review

  President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. more»

  

• Cam Wright

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Unsung Heroes

  Cam Wright, drummer for the Bakersfield, CA bar band Gambiteer, decided the group’s “Spoonful” cover sounded tighter without his extended solo, and dropped it from Friday’s set. more»

  

• Levi McShane

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | Unsung Heroes

  Levi McShane politely listened to the girl he secretly loves talk about how casual sex isn’t what she wants long term, but it will do for now. more»

  

• We're All Doomed

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | Corrections

  Last week's editorial "We're All Doomed" was not intended to be taken literally. Only the poor are doomed; the rich will find a way to get by. more»

• The Wizard Of Id

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.07.12 | Corrections

  Due to a printing error, last week's comics page did not include the final panel of The Wizard Of Id. more»

• Ivy League Horse

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.02.12 | TV Listings

  TBS 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST The mathematics department is once again astonished when Speckles the Ivy League Horse casually eyes a complex non-Euclidean geometry problem and immediately clops his hoof the correct 214 times. more»

• Zero To Hero

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | TV Listings

  USA 9:30 p.m. EST/8:30 p.m. CST Host George Wendt gives three contestants zero money and no advice, telling them to come back with the best meatball hero in town. George Wendt judges. more»

• Origin Story

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | TV Listings

  Spike 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST How Eli Wallach became the Flash. more»

• Called It!

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.08.12 | TV Listings

  CBS 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Chad and Kristen hook up just like you knew they would, while the storyline you predicted two weeks ago about Paige being the one who spread the rumor of Raven being pregnant is revealed. more»

• First Born On New Year Also First Dead

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.01.12 | Newswire

  First Born On New Year Also First Dead more»

• Man Who Stayed Up Until Dawn Eating Mice Refers To Self As Night Owl

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.02.12 | Newswire

  Man Who Stayed Up Until Dawn Eating Mice Refers To Self As Night Owl more»

• Man Thinks It’s About Time He Went Back To Website He Just Visited 15 Seconds Ago

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.03.12 | Newswire

  Man Thinks It’s About Time He Went Back To Website He Just Visited 15 Seconds Ago more»

• Huh, College Friend A Republican

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | Newswire

  Huh, College Friend A Republican more»

• World's Greatest Human Being Puts 'Sweet Emotion' On Jukebox Right As Area Man Touches Fifth Beer To Lips

  ISSUE 48•01 | 01.08.12 | Newswire

  World's Greatest Human Being Puts 'Sweet Emotion' On Jukebox Right As Area Man Touches Fifth Beer To Lips more»

• Aaron Rodgers Vows To Make Season Interesting By Killing Self

  ISSUE 48•01 | 12.08.11 | OSN GOOMF

  Kenny and Doc nearly join Aaron Rodgers in his impending suicide as they argue about Mark Sanchez's injured pussy finger and the Marlins’ stupid spending. more»

  

• Photographer Has Basketball Player Hold Arms Outstretched With A Ball In Each Hand

  ISSUE 48•01 | 12.07.11 | Sports Newswire

  Photographer Has Basketball Player Hold Arms Outstretched With A Ball In Each Hand more»

• Guys Who Hold Yardsticks Pick Up Some Side Work Measuring Carpet 

  ISSUE 48•01 | 12.08.11 | Sports Newswire

  Guys Who Hold Yardsticks Pick Up Some Side Work Measuring Carpet more»