PITTSBURGH—Citing three years of exhausting partisan politics, constant gridlock in Congress, and an overall feeling that the entire nation has "completely lost it," President ...

WASHINGTON—Citing his erratic social behaviors, sudden unexplained disappearances, nondescript occupation, and habit of accidentally walking off piers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of ...

SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard ...

GREECE, NY—Though the annual Christmas letter from the Thompsons addresses Elliot's first semester at college and Mom's new job, it eerily makes ...

OSLO, NORWAY—Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg got laid on Friday, according to a spokesperson for the Norwegian government.

DES MOINES, IA—With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter ...

SANTA FE, NM—In the wake of last year's highly successful publication of the fifth installment in his A Song Of Ice And Fire ...

IRVING, TX—At a gala event last weekend, the Boy Scouts of America celebrated its century-long legacy of preparing young men for lifetimes devoid of ...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study scheduled to be released today by the cognitive sciences department at MIT is going to have to be delayed at ...

MOAB, UT—Authorities announced Tuesday that the body of 27-year-old screen printer Tom Finnery, a person friends confirmed always said yes to life and no ...

WASHINGTON—With a new study ranking it last among the 50 states yet again, Mississippi once more brought down the overall national average on another ...

The Republican presidential candidates have participated in 13 debates since last May, with each event seeming to have a different frontrunner. As the Iowa Caucus ...

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and ...

$675.19 (-$9.92) (-1.4%) Disillusioned investors sent this once-mighty web company’s stock into a tailspin after it came to light that CEO ...

KINGSPORT, TN—Sources confirmed Monday that area resident Kyle Nickerson apparently knows the actual names of all those guys in the UFC and that, to ...

WASHINGTON—Finally conceding it is unrealistic to expect today's children to complete a pull-up, run a mile, or touch their toes, the President's ...

PHILADELPHIA—NHL officials seized the opportunity given them when a United Airlines 737 passed over Citizen's Park Bank during the opening festivities of Monday ...

When you're job-hunting, getting called for an interview is only half the battle. Here are some strategies that can make you stand out during ...

The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple ...

Despite having fought against many of its provisions, President Obama signed a defense appropriations bill that allows the military to detain American citizens indefinitely.

As they ramp up production to meet the demands of a growing market, some organic farms are coming under scrutiny for agricultural practices that may ...

Fracking wastewater is being blamed for several recent Youngstown, OH earthquakes, including one that reached a magnitude of 4.0.

Despite a disappointing fifth-place finish in the Iowa caucus, Texas governor Rick Perry decided to stay in the Republican presidential race.

In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up ...

The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy.

President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention ...

Cam Wright, drummer for the Bakersfield, CA bar band Gambiteer, decided the group’s “Spoonful” cover sounded tighter without his extended solo, and dropped it ...

Levi McShane politely listened to the girl he secretly loves talk about how casual sex isn’t what she wants long term, but it will ...

Last week's editorial "We're All Doomed" was not intended to be taken literally. Only the poor are doomed; the rich will find a ...

Due to a printing error, last week's comics page did not include the final panel of The Wizard Of Id.

TBS 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST The mathematics department is once again astonished when Speckles the Ivy League Horse casually eyes a ...

USA 9:30 p.m. EST/8:30 p.m. CST Host George Wendt gives three contestants zero money and no advice, telling them to ...

Spike 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST How Eli Wallach became the Flash.

CBS 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Chad and Kristen hook up just like you knew they would, while the storyline you predicted ...

Kenny and Doc nearly join Aaron Rodgers in his impending suicide as they argue about Mark Sanchez's injured pussy finger and the Marlins’ stupid ...

Photographer Has Basketball Player Hold Arms Outstretched With A Ball In Each Hand

Guys Who Hold Yardsticks Pick Up Some Side Work Measuring Carpet