BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, people in comas experience excruciating, indescribable levels of pain whenever they ...
HAMILTON, OH—A violent and dangerous bar fight reportedly ran completely out of steam late Wednesday night, about 15 seconds or so after it had ...
GULF OF MEXICO—Pausing a moment from swimming around its shallow coastal habitat to speak with reporters, a 14-month-old Atlantic thread herring admitted Tuesday that ...
CONCORD, NH—Today's New Hampshire primary, considered crucial to determining 2012's Republican presidential nominee, has excited the tiny percentage of Americans who even ...
CONCORD, NH—With the majority of precincts reporting, sources are now confirming that one of those fucking guys—one of the ones who wore a ...
WASHINGTON—During a routine briefing at the White House Thursday, Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters President Obama would be occupied throughout the day with ...
BENTON, AR—According to sources, buttocks-themed periodical aficionado Lyle Breslin was surprised and dismayed when he discovered Friday the existence of a magazine about butts ...
DALLAS—Scarcely 30 minutes into his recent visit to his hometown, 26-year-old Robert Feldman's parents Paul and Sharon had dropped the facade of treating ...
RICHMOND, VA—At a press conference Tuesday, tobacco giant Philip Morris introduced its new medicinal cigarette, Marlboro Sinus PM, a smokable nighttime cough suppressant and ...
Beginning this week, the City of Detroit will shut the doors of its police stations to the public for 16 hours a day. Here are ...
Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a ...
SALEM, NH—Lori Drye quietly apologized to a moldy slice of pie she had somehow forgotten to eat.
ADRIAN, MI—After a week of precipitation, Kelly Knoke has started using "snew" as the past tense of "snow," just to mix it up a ...
BETHESDA, MD—Walt Whitman High School's production of Romeo And Juliet was actually pretty fuckin' good.
$35.50 (+$0.24) (+0.68%) Confidence in the company increased after laughing executives simply said, “Obamacare,” and raised premiums 20 percent.
Catch a sneak peak at this weekend's Onion Magazine.
It's Shitty Because You Don't Have The Ball Anymore, Coaches Say
NEW YORK—As the 2012 NFL playoffs begin, coaches across the league find themselves in agreement on one fundamental aspect of the game: Punting the ...
GLENDALE, AZ—Stanford quarterback and projected No. 1 NFL draft pick Andrew Luck spent the majority of his post–Fiesta Bowl interview Tuesday night discussing ...
FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Though some in the Jets organization have expressed doubts about Mark Sanchez's role as the team's starting quarterback, head coach ...
SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its ...
ANAHEIM, CA—After spending $330 million on big-time free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson, Los Angeles Angels officials said Monday they now feel ...
WASHINGTON—In the moments following Alabama's 21-0 victory in the BCS National Championship Monday, President Barack Obama asked several advisers why he always has ...
It's playoff time in the NFL, and we've condensed our expert analysis of each team's chances into a handy capsule form.
The Heisman and a Fiesta Bowl victory may have eluded him, but Andrew Luck is still the consensus No.
Scientists reported in the journal Cell the first successful birth of a monkey composed of stem cells from six different monkey embryos.
A number of Internet companies, including Google, Facebook, Amazon, Wikipedia, and Twitter, have reportedly considered a coordinated blackout of services to protest the controversial Stop ...
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney won New Hampshire’s Republican primary yesterday. What do you think?
Hostess, the manufacturer of such American food staples as Wonder Bread, the Twinkie, and the Ding Dong, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
The 10th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled it was discriminatory for Oklahoma to single out Sharia in its ban of religious law and stated there ...
Dear The Onion, Is this a bad time? I could write another letter later if that would work better? Okay then. Barbara Adams, Lincoln, NE
Dear The Onion, We need a copy of your Pearl Harbor front page to spin around quickly in a newsreel we're working on. I ...
In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding.
Following the news of Beyonce's pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad.
A fight kind of runs out of steam 15 seconds in, George Washington laments that his vision of the future has not been realized, and ...
ABC
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
Footloose is forced to hide party guests in the basement when Fancyfree returns from vacation un ...
ABC
11 a.m. EST/10 a.m. CST
For once in their lives, just once, the ladies decide not to talk. Instead, they just ...
History
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
After taking a wrong turn out of Calgary, trucker Dale Bronson eventually realizes he's hauled ...
PBS
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
Store manager Robyn Fisher provides an up-close-and-personal tour of the Destin, FL store, which stacks its ...
Pile the kids in the car and pretend games like I Spy and the promise of a McDonald's breakfast will keep everyone from realizing ...
"I thought we'd have flying slaves by now," - George Washington
The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams.
DeMarcus Cousins Refuses To Go To Time Out
Howie Long Fits Perfectly Through Doorway
Barry Larkin Jeopardizes Hall Of Fame Chances After Dropping Whole Tray Of Food In MLB Cafeteria
Ray Lewis Announces 2011 Final Season Before Killing Younger Player, Inhabiting His Body
Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame ...
President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.
Is a history of infidelity to blame for the Republicans' split from Grover Norquist?
