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Capitol Building Haunted By Spirit Of Killed Piece Of Legislation

• Scandalous Photos Reveal Grover Norquist Carried On Secret Affair With Taxes For Years

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | News

  WASHINGTON—In a scandal that strikes at the very heart of the American anti-tax movement, a series of incriminating photos surfaced online Thursday, revealing that, for decades, leading Republican power broker Grover Norquist has secretly engaged in... more»

  

• Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.14.12 | News

  BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, people in comas experience excruciating, indescribable levels of pain whenever they hear the sound of a loved one's voice. The Johns Hopkins University st... more»

  

• Fight Kind Of Runs Out Of Steam 15 Seconds In

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | News in Brief

  HAMILTON, OH—A violent and dangerous bar fight reportedly ran completely out of steam late Wednesday night, about 15 seconds or so after it had started. more»

• Fish At Pretty Good Place In Its Life Right Now

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | News in Brief

  GULF OF MEXICO—Pausing a moment from swimming around its shallow coastal habitat to speak with reporters, a 14-month-old Atlantic thread herring admitted Tuesday that it was currently at a "pretty good place in [its] life" and "couldn... more»

  

• New Hampshire Primary Excites Tiny Percentage Of Population Who Even Cares What Happens Anymore

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | News in Brief

  CONCORD, NH—Today's New Hampshire primary, considered crucial to determining 2012's Republican presidential nominee, has excited the tiny percentage of Americans who even give a damn what happens anymore, political analysts told reporters. more»

  

• One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | News in Brief

  CONCORD, NH—With the majority of precincts reporting, sources are now confirming that one of those fucking guys—one of the ones who wore a suit on television and talked a lot—has won the New Hampshire primary, beating five or six of the ... more»

  

• Obama Spends Wednesday Doing Some Urgings, Some Callings On

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—During a routine briefing at the White House Thursday, Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters President Obama would be occupied throughout the day with numerous urgings and callings on. more»

  

• Area Man Shocked To Learn There Is A Butt-Oriented Magazine He Was Not Aware Of

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.13.12 | News in Brief

  BENTON, AR—According to sources, buttocks-themed periodical aficionado Lyle Breslin was surprised and dismayed when he discovered Friday the existence of a magazine about butts he had not previously encountered. more»

• Parents Drop Fake Treating-You-Like-An-Adult Act Half-Hour Into Visit

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.15.12 | News in Brief

  DALLAS—Scarcely 30 minutes into his recent visit to his hometown, 26-year-old Robert Feldman's parents Paul and Sharon had dropped the facade of treating him like a full-grown adult and begun to interact with him as if he were at least a decade youn... more»

• Philip Morris Introduces New Marlboro Sinus PM Cigarettes

  ISSUE 48•02 ISSUE 0• | 01.15.12 | News in Brief

  RICHMOND, VA—At a press conference Tuesday, tobacco giant Philip Morris introduced its new medicinal cigarette, Marlboro Sinus PM, a smokable nighttime cough suppressant and analgesic designed to ease cold symptoms. more»

  

• Detroit Ending 24-Hour Police Station Access

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | Infographic

  Beginning this week, the City of Detroit will shut the doors of its police stations to the public for 16 hours a day. Here are other ways the cash-strapped city is saving money: Replacing the east side’s 11 functional streetlights with co... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 10, 2012

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Horoscope

  Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t... more»

• What Are We Coming To Terms With?

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.13.12 | Statshot

  

• Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | Radio News

• Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Radio News

• Boss's Threats Hilarious

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | Radio News

• Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | Radio News

• Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.13.12 | Radio News

• Breaking: Now It's A Party!

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | News in Photos

  

• Attending ‘Price Is Right’ Taping Apparently Sailors’ Best Idea For Shore Leave

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.15.12 | News in Photos

  

• I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Commentary

  When I pictured the future back in the 18th century, I have to admit this isn't quite what I had in mind. more»

• SALEM, NH—Lori Drye quietly apologized to a moldy slice of pie she had somehow forgotten to eat.

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | National News Highlights

  SALEM, NH—Lori Drye quietly apologized to a moldy slice of pie she had somehow forgotten to eat. more»

• ADRIAN, MI—After a week of precipitation, Kelly Knoke has started using "snew" as the past tense of "snow," just to mix it up a little.

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | National News Highlights

  ADRIAN, MI—After a week of precipitation, Kelly Knoke has started using "snew" as the past tense of "snow," just to mix it up a little. more»

• BETHESDA, MD—Walt Whitman High School's production of Romeo And Juliet was actually pretty fuckin' good.

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.15.12 | National News Highlights

  BETHESDA, MD—Walt Whitman High School's production of Romeo And Juliet was actually pretty fuckin' good. more»

• Aetna Inc. (AET)

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Stockwatch

  $35.50 (+$0.24) (+0.68%) Confidence in the company increased after laughing executives simply said, “Obamacare,” and raised premiums 20 percent. more»

• Twitter: How It Failed To Solve This Child's Kidnapping

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.13.12 | Sunday Magazine

  Catch a sneak peak at this weekend's Onion Magazine. more»

  

• NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.07.12 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—As the 2012 NFL playoffs begin, coaches across the league find themselves in agreement on one fundamental aspect of the game: Punting the ball sucks, because the other team gains possession of the ball. "I was glad we only had to punt ... more»

  

• Andrew Luck Repeatedly Mentions How Good His Neck Feels During Post Game Interview

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.05.12 | Sports News in Brief

  GLENDALE, AZ—Stanford quarterback and projected No. 1 NFL draft pick Andrew Luck spent the majority of his post–Fiesta Bowl interview Tuesday night discussing the superb health and dexterity of his neck. more»

  

• Rex Ryan: 'Mark Sanchez Was Absolutely Our Quarterback This Year'

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

  FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Though some in the Jets organization have expressed doubts about Mark Sanchez's role as the team's starting quarterback, head coach Rex Ryan vociferously defended Sanchez Thursday, confirming the former first-round pick was "ab... more»

  

• Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.08.12 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its strong desire to be broken "again, and again, and again—shattered even." ... more»

  

• Angels Hoping They Can Get Mike Napoli Back Now That They Have Albert Pujols And C.J. Wilson To Trade

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | Sports News in Brief

  ANAHEIM, CA—After spending $330 million on big-time free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson, Los Angeles Angels officials said Monday they now feel they have the pieces in place to make a trade for former Angels catcher Mike Napoli. more»

  

• President Obama Wondering Why He Always Has To Initiate Phone Call With NCAA Champions

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In the moments following Alabama's 21-0 victory in the BCS National Championship Monday, President Barack Obama asked several advisers why he always has to be the one to call the winning team’s coach. more»

  

• NFL Playoff Picture

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Sportsgraphic

  It's playoff time in the NFL, and we've condensed our expert analysis of each team's chances into a handy capsule form.  more»

  

• Andrew Luck

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Strongside/Weakside

  The Heisman and a Fiesta Bowl victory may have eluded him, but Andrew Luck is still the consensus No. more»

  

• Norv Turner Fired As Coach Of Chargers, Right?

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Photo Finish

  

• First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | American Voices

  Scientists reported in the journal Cell the first successful birth of a monkey composed of stem cells from six different monkey embryos. more»

• Will Google, Facebook Stage Blackout Protest?

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | American Voices

  A number of Internet companies, including Google, Facebook, Amazon, Wikipedia, and Twitter, have reportedly considered a coordinated blackout of services to protest the controversial Stop Online Piracy Act. more»

• Romney Wins New Hampshire

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | American Voices

  Presidential candidate Mitt Romney won New Hampshire’s Republican primary yesterday. What do you think? more»

• Hostess Files For Bankruptcy

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | American Voices

  Hostess, the manufacturer of such American food staples as Wonder Bread, the Twinkie, and the Ding Dong, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. more»

• Court Overturns Oklahoma Sharia Law Ban

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.13.12 | American Voices

  The 10th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled it was discriminatory for Oklahoma to single out Sharia in its ban of religious law and stated there was no evidence the Islamic legal code had influenced the U.S. more»

• On Tebow Taking The Broncos To The Playoffs

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.08.12 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Pictures

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.16.12 | Slideshow

  

• A Bad Time?

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Is this a bad time? I could write another letter later if that would work better? Okay then. Barbara Adams, Lincoln, NE more»

• Pearl Harbor

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.14.12 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, We need a copy of your Pearl Harbor front page to spin around quickly in a newsreel we're working on. I trust you will supply. Robert Stanton, U.S. War Propaganda Department, Washington, D.C. more»

• 2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

  In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding. more»

  

• Jay-Z Fans Brace Themselves For Onslaught Of Horrible Odes To Baby

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.13.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

  Following the news of Beyonce's pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad. more»

  

• Minnesota Braces For Return Of Bachmann's Full Attention 

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.13.12 | Onion Review

  A fight kind of runs out of steam 15 seconds in, George Washington laments that his vision of the future has not been realized, and Philip Morris releases its new line of Marlboro PM cigarettes. more»

  

• Footloose and Fancyfree

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | TV Listings

  ABC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Footloose is forced to hide party guests in the basement when Fancyfree returns from vacation un­expectedly. more»

• The View 

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | TV Listings

  ABC 11 a.m. EST/10 a.m. CST For once in their lives, just once, the ladies decide not to talk. Instead, they just listen. They just listen. more»

• Inadvertent Ice Road Truckers

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.13.12 | TV Listings

  History 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST After taking a wrong turn out of Calgary, trucker Dale Bronson eventually realizes he's hauled his load of Lady Jordache sporting apparel much too far north. more»

• CVS Roadshow

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.15.12 | TV Listings

  PBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Store manager Robyn Fisher provides an up-close-and-personal tour of the Destin, FL store, which stacks its Garnier Fructis in a different endcap than the Miramar Beach location. more»

• Fuck, Rapping Teen Walking This Way

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | Newswire

  Fuck, Rapping Teen Walking This Way more»

• BREAKING: Tempers Flare At New Hampshire Primary Weigh-In

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Newswire

  BREAKING: Tempers Flare At New Hampshire Primary Weigh-In more»

• Pickpocket Has To Get Around A Few Pretzels First

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Newswire

  Pickpocket Has To Get Around A Few Pretzels First more»

• Car Alarm Turned Off Just As It Was Starting To Get Good

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | Newswire

  Car Alarm Turned Off Just As It Was Starting To Get Good more»

• Nation's Disenfranchised Finally Rise Up, Demand Justice, Are Denied It

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | Newswire

  Nation's Disenfranchised Finally Rise Up, Demand Justice, Are Denied It more»

• Long-Distance Relationship Working Perfectly For Couple With No Interest In Sex, Intimacy, Sharing Each Other's Lives

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.14.12 | Newswire

  Long-Distance Relationship Working Perfectly For Couple With No Interest In Sex, Intimacy, Sharing Each Other's Lives more»

• Home Depot Salesman Feels This Is A Question For Kevin

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.15.12 | Newswire

  Home Depot Salesman Feels This Is A Question For Kevin more»

• A 12-Hour Road Trip

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Great Escapes

  Pile the kids in the car and pretend games like I Spy and the promise of a McDonald's breakfast will keep everyone from realizing you may or may not have a place to sleep once you get to Memphis. more»

  

• George Washington

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | Quote

  "I thought we'd have flying slaves by now," - George Washington more»

• Alex Smith Boasts 49ers Have What It Takes To Win Despite Him

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | OSN GOOMF

  The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams. more»

  

• DeMarcus Cousins Refuses To Go To Time Out

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.07.12 | Sports Newswire

  DeMarcus Cousins Refuses To Go To Time Out more»

• Howie Long Fits Perfectly Through Doorway

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.08.12 | Sports Newswire

  Howie Long Fits Perfectly Through Doorway more»

• Barry Larkin Jeopardizes Hall Of Fame Chances After Dropping Whole Tray Of Food In MLB Cafeteria 

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | Sports Newswire

  Barry Larkin Jeopardizes Hall Of Fame Chances After Dropping Whole Tray Of Food In MLB Cafeteria more»

• Ray Lewis Announces 2011 Final Season Before Killing Younger Player, Inhabiting His Body

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Sports Newswire

  Ray Lewis Announces 2011 Final Season Before Killing Younger Player, Inhabiting His Body more»

• Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | StarFix

  Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent. more»

  

• Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'

  ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | Onion Special Report

  President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes. more»