Issue 4802

CVS Roadshow

PBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Store manager Robyn Fisher provides an up-close-and-personal tour of the Destin, FL store, which stacks its Garnier Fructis in a different endcap than the Miramar Beach location.

Inadvertent Ice Road Truckers

History 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST After taking a wrong turn out of Calgary, trucker Dale Bronson eventually realizes he's hauled his load of Lady Jordache sporting apparel much too far north.

Detroit Ending 24-Hour Police Station Access

Beginning this week, the City of Detroit will shut the doors of its police stations to the public for 16 hours a day. Here are other ways the cash-strapped city is saving money: Replacing the east side’s 11 functional streetlights with co...

The View 

ABC 11 a.m. EST/10 a.m. CST For once in their lives, just once, the ladies decide not to talk. Instead, they just listen. They just listen.

One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary

CONCORD, NH—With the majority of precincts reporting, sources are now confirming that one of those fucking guys—one of the ones who wore a suit on television and talked a lot—has won the New Hampshire primary, beating five or six of the ...

A 12-Hour Road Trip

Pile the kids in the car and pretend games like I Spy and the promise of a McDonald's breakfast will keep everyone from realizing you may or may not have a place to sleep once you get to Memphis.

Fish At Pretty Good Place In Its Life Right Now

GULF OF MEXICO—Pausing a moment from swimming around its shallow coastal habitat to speak with reporters, a 14-month-old Atlantic thread herring admitted Tuesday that it was currently at a "pretty good place in [its] life" and "couldn...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

Footloose and Fancyfree

ABC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Footloose is forced to hide party guests in the basement when Fancyfree returns from vacation un­expectedly.

Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again

SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its strong desire to be broken "again, and again, and again—shattered even." ...

NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt

It's Shitty Because You Don't Have The Ball Anymore, Coaches Say

NEW YORK—As the 2012 NFL playoffs begin, coaches across the league find themselves in agreement on one fundamental aspect of the game: Punting the ball sucks, because the other team gains possession of the ball. "I was glad we only had to punt ...

NFL Playoff Picture

It's playoff time in the NFL, and we've condensed our expert analysis of each team's chances into a handy capsule form. 

Andrew Luck

The Heisman and a Fiesta Bowl victory may have eluded him, but Andrew Luck is still the consensus No.
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