WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S.

WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior ...

WASHINGTON—Congress convened a special investigative committee this week in an attempt to put to rest questions that have puzzled the nation for much of ...

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced today he was dropping out of the race, and, citing his good character, foreign policy experience ...

WASHINGTON—A CBS/New York Times poll released Tuesday revealed that while an overwhelming majority of Americans are "more than happy" with the two screwdriver ...

AUSTIN, TX—Sound engineers from around the country converged on the Hilton Garden Inn Saturday for their annual convention in which they discuss their ponytails.

COLUMBIA, SC—Texas governor Rick Perry experienced a profound moment of peace and serenity Thursday morning just before his campaign to be president of the ...

SAN FRANCISCO—SweetSpace.com, the new social networking start-up from Caltech wunderkind Devin Preston, launched Wednesday with the stated intent of bridging the gap between ...

ATLANTA—A report released Friday by the Centers for Disease Control's Department of Gross Medicine concludes that people should consume eight cups of warm ...

BOSTON—After reading the final draft Saturday morning, local man Chris Peters, 27, was relieved to discover the short story written by his friend Mark ...

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local third-grader Dylan Gardener, 8, prayed before bed Sunday that a steep decline in tax revenues combined with the decisive failure of a ...

Rivals have bashed Mitt Romney for his role at Bain Capital—the investment group that held stakes in such businesses as Sports Authority, Dunkin’ Donuts ...

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright ...

GOLIAD, TX—With granola spilled everywhere in her kitchen, Karie Hunt prayed for a bear that never came.

ST. LOUIS—Sheryl Kay felt guilty for laughing at a man who tripped and fell, but to be fair, he was chasing her with a ...

SPOKANE, WA—Sixth-grader Gretchen Ellis kind of missed having someone spit in her hair today.

LAS CRUCES, NM—Advertising sales rep Brian Costello, 36, couldn’t say when or why, but he was pretty sure he’d heard the name ...

$6.58 (-$0.32) (+4.6%) Shares fell when the company’s quarterly report revealed the lack of punk bands forming in 2011 had caused ...

NEW ORLEANS—During a postgame ceremony Monday in which the Bowl Championship Series controversially awarded the Alabama Crimson Tide the 2012 NCAA championship trophy...

STATE COLLEGE, PA—New head coach Bill O'Brien held an introductory press conference Saturday in which he explicitly promised to never, ever uphold the ...

NEW YORK—In what it is calling "the only fitting way" to end a season marked by continual unsportsmanlike conduct and accompanying disciplinary action, the ...

TAMPA BAY, FL—The search for a new Buccaneers head coach has continued in Tampa Bay, where last week team management flew in Marty Schottenheimer ...

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—After meeting with his agent Monday to discuss his free agency prospects, Prince Fielder told reporters he was left wondering if he ...

Tim Tebow has reinvigorated discussion on athletes using the field as a pulpit, but of course he's hardly the first to do so. Bill ...

Scant weeks after beating Denver in the regular season, the Patriots host the Broncos and try to put a stop to Tim Tebow's remarkable ...

Jon Huntsman announced he is dropping out of the race and endorsing Mitt Romney. What do you think?

For the first time since 1965, murder was not among the top 15 causes of death in the United States, having been replaced by the ...

The online shoe retailer Zappos was hacked, leaving much of its customer data compromised. What do you think?

A recount of votes in the Iowa caucus shows that former senator Rick Santorum actually beat Mitt Romney by 34 votes.

Citing environmental concerns, the Obama administration is rejecting the proposed Canada-to-U.S. oil pipeline, but may reconsider if the builders propose a different route.

In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in ...

Back to story: Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head

The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face ...

For years, The Onion has systematically cataloged all our web users' personal information: what they were reading, when they were reading it, and which articles ...

The Onion regrets printing an article about the way dentists recommend brushing. They're your teeth; do what you want.

CBS 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST The narrator's early-onset Alzheimer's leads to the reintroduction of Marshall and Lily.

NBC 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST About 25 years too late, Skippy from Family Ties gets his own spin-off show.

TLC 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST A bride can't fit into her dream dress and an aspiring chef botches his first ...

ABC 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST This week's episode follows up with our contestants from last week, whom we've checked ...

Due to recent budget cuts eliminating sanitation service, garbage fires are now authorized to rage from 10 a.m.

As a reminder to those attending the West Side Rink's public skate next week, the arena's stolen Zamboni still hasn't been recovered ...

Quilting for Teens: Please come back, Dana! You're the only person who ever came, and I miss you!

"It's that same Arby's taste you love, but piled high in your own two hands."

"Well, I've never had a problem with my Phillips or my flathead, but if the question is would I reject a new screwdriver head ...

"We firmly believe that malice, dishonesty, and injustice were the framers' original intent," - Justice Scalia

"Ultimately, the goal of SweetSpace is to be Facebook for the Facebook generation."

"Approximately 30,000 children leapt through the air with shiny metallic streamers, while the coordinated undulations of T-shirted adults simulated a giant North Korean flag ...

Report: New Orleans Saints Have Run Same Offensive Play Over And Over Since Week 6

Extra Point Probably Would Have Been Good From 65 Yards, Claims Announcer

NHL Accidentally Makes All Three Of Its African-American Players Work On MLK Day

Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester.

Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle ...