TAMPA, FL—From coast to coast, town to town, and in nearly every public meeting place and private residence across America, millions have been captivated ...

WASHINGTON—Saying there's no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Thursday that one-third of the world population must die ...

CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has in­flicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted ...

RICHMOND, IN—Self-proclaimed strict constitutionalist and freethinker Rick Crawford told reporters Monday he is supporting Ron Paul in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries because of ...

WASHINGTON—In a sign that North Korea is finally returning to normal following the death of Kim Jong-il, the country reportedly held a festive synchronized ...

WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S.

WASHINGTON—Saying he came bearing an important message from the past, a stranger from the year 1998 appeared on the Capitol steps Thursday and urged ...

BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final ...

TRENTON, NJ— Citing the nearly 1,500 deaths that occurred in the United States last year as a result of kaleidoscoping while driving, New Jersey ...

WASHINGTON—Citing a lack of name recognition, officials at the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a brief, one-page report on mortgage trends Tuesday ...

AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser ...

Last week, several websites, including Google and Wikipedia, raised awareness of the prohibitive measures included in the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect ...

Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made ...

SILVER CITY, NM—Ten-year-old Jackie Clack informed her mom that the “Good for One Hug” coupon clearly expired in September and can no longer be ...

DALLAS, TX—For the first time in recorded history, the whacking-off hand gesture was used in reference to Skee-Ball.

NEW YORK, NY—NBC Nightly News correspondent Richard Engel wasn’t sure why he thanked anchorman Brian Williams at the end of his news story.

BERWYN, PA—Party guests braced themselves for the awkward leg of the house tour when they would silently pass the Clark family's bedrooms.

NEW YORK—Facing financial shortfalls due to an abbreviated season and eager to compete with traditional prime-time entertainment, the National Basketball Association announced Friday it ...

STATE COLLEGE, PA—As thousands of mourners gathered at Penn State's campus spiritual center Wednesday afternoon to say their farewells to Joe Paterno, former ...

BALTIMORE—Reflecting on a 12-4 season that showcased their gritty, brash, defense-first style, the Baltimore Ravens admitted Thursday that while everyone else chases the pretty ...

SEATTLE—Introducing former Yankee farmhand Jesus Montero to the media Friday, the Seattle Mariners said they have high expectations for the newly acquired catching prospect ...

INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting it is "enormously worried" some people are taking an interest in its emerging storylines this early in the season, the sport of college ...

ORLANDO, FL—After recently visiting the Texas Rangers to discuss the possibility of signing a long-term contract, All-Star first baseman Prince Fielder told reporters Monday ...

NEW YORK—A confused nation admitted this week it isn't sure what it's supposed to make of the fact that professional golfer Padraig ...

Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every ...

Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature ...

Chef Paula Deen announced this week that she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. What do you think?

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) announced on her website this past weekend that she would resign her seat in the House to concentrate on her recovery.

President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union last night. What do you think?

According to the IRS, federal, postal, and congressional employees owe $1.03 billion in unpaid taxes.

A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products.

Dear The Onion, I recently found out about a great new food I’m sure your readers would love to hear about: grapes. Give them ...

Dear The Onion, In my yard there’s a bird that’s been injured. Should I just go step on it? Greg Romanov, Champaign, IL

As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage.

Back to story: Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do ...

A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation.

ABC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST No one will trade careers with Avril Lavigne, but Scarlett Johansson and Shaq seem to be ...

Lifetime 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Fourteen-year-old Ashley Fennel is sick of letting her bitch foster mom boss her around and decides ...

ABC 9 a.m. EST/8 a.m. CST This Saturday morning, Piers sets out on a quest to find the most-talented person in all ...

ABC Family 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST The gang engages in all the hijinks allowed by ABC Family Worldwide's strict programming ...

Never imagined you'd be 35, married with two kids, and working a job you can't stand in a town you once vowed to ...

This newly renovated building is the perfect place for dates to drop you off, and a photograph of its exterior is a great way to ...

"He's not afraid to give Americans no-nonsense straight talk about his completely delusional fantasy world.

 "I'll teach you the hot licks and killer riffs you need to get 'em wet where it counts." - Vice President Biden

"The raw energy and enthusiasm Mitt Romney stirs inside people is like nothing I've ever seen." - Youngstown, OH auto mechanic Chris Ritenour

"I'm just going to level with you—the earth's carrying capacity will no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and ...

Doc and Kenny give us each other hell as Tim Tebow's defeat has millions flocking to God, while the Yankees act like paupers and ...

Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin’s ...

Tebow Goes Back To Being Named 'Jimmer Fredette' For NFL Offseason

Inconsistent Indiana Ranked 2nd And 24th In New AP Poll

Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker

Tyler Perry has signed a $50 million deal to expand his franchise to include films targeted at the world's 1.4 billion Chinese moviegoers.