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• 01.13.12 |
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• 02.20.12

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

• Romneymania Sweeps America

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | News

  TAMPA, FL—From coast to coast, town to town, and in nearly every public meeting place and private residence across America, millions have been captivated, inspired, and in some cases moved to tears by presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the former M... more»

  

• Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?'

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | News

  WASHINGTON—Saying there's no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Thursday that one-third of the world population must die to prevent wide-scale depletion of the planet's resources—and that humankind needs to figure... more»

  

• Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | News

  CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has in­flicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them ... more»

  

• Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | News in Brief

  RICHMOND, IN—Self-proclaimed strict constitutionalist and freethinker Rick Crawford told reporters Monday he is supporting Ron Paul in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries because of the way the candidate looks people directly in the eye, does... more»

  

• North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In a sign that North Korea is finally returning to normal following the death of Kim Jong-il, the country reportedly held a festive synchronized disco jump-rope gala in Pyongyang's main public square this week. more»

  

• Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S. more»

• Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Saying he came bearing an important message from the past, a stranger from the year 1998 appeared on the Capitol steps Thursday and urged voters not to elect Newt Gingrich president in 2012. more»

• Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | News in Brief

  BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final year of their lives. more»

  

• New Law Prohibits Kaleidoscoping While Driving

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | News in Brief

  TRENTON, NJ— Citing the nearly 1,500 deaths that occurred in the United States last year as a result of kaleidoscoping while driving, New Jersey governor Chris Christie signed legislation Friday banning the practice. more»

• Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Citing a lack of name recognition, officials at the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a brief, one-page report on mortgage trends Tuesday "just to keep the agency fresh in people's minds." "In cabinet-... more»

• Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.29.12 | News in Brief

  AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser Dong XI, couple James Keneally and Pam Nguyen confirmed Thursday they would never go dildo s... more»

• Internet Against SOPA, PIPA

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | Infographic

  Last week, several websites, including Google and Wikipedia, raised awareness of the prohibitive measures included in the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA). Here are some of the legislation's controversial provisions:  more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

  ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.24.12 | Horoscope

  Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub... more»

• What Are We Replacing?

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Statshot

  

• Idiot Man-Child Destroys The Set Of Jeopardy

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Radio News

• Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Radio News

• ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | Radio News

• Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurky

  ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.26.12 | Radio News

• Bill's Friends From Work Calling Him 'William'

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Radio News

• Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board

  ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.24.12 | News in Photos

  

• Obama Begins State Of The Union By Asking Congress To Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Photos

  

• I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Commentary

  In this world, there are all kinds of chicks—tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, even some real ugly ones that my buddy Jeff calls "double baggers"—ha! more»

• SILVER CITY, NM—Ten-year-old Jackie Clack informed her mom that the “Good for One Hug” coupon clearly expired in September and can no longer be redeemed.

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | National News Highlights

  SILVER CITY, NM—Ten-year-old Jackie Clack informed her mom that the “Good for One Hug” coupon clearly expired in September and can no longer be redeemed. more»

• DALLAS, TX—For the first time in recorded history, the whacking-off hand gesture was used in reference to Skee-Ball.

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | National News Highlights

  DALLAS, TX—For the first time in recorded history, the whacking-off hand gesture was used in reference to Skee-Ball. more»

• NEW YORK, NY—NBC Nightly News correspondent Richard Engel wasn’t sure why he thanked anchorman Brian Williams at the end of his news story. He was the one who traveled all the way to Syria for it.

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | National News Highlights

  NEW YORK, NY—NBC Nightly News correspondent Richard Engel wasn’t sure why he thanked anchorman Brian Williams at the end of his news story. more»

• BERWYN, PA—Party guests braced themselves for the awkward leg of the house tour when they would silently pass the Clark family's bedrooms.

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.29.12 | National News Highlights

  BERWYN, PA—Party guests braced themselves for the awkward leg of the house tour when they would silently pass the Clark family's bedrooms. more»

• Are Bugs Mad At Us? 

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Un-Suitor-able.

  ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.23.12 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.22.12 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—Facing financial shortfalls due to an abbreviated season and eager to compete with traditional prime-time entertainment, the National Basketball Association announced Friday it would soon debut NBA Nights, an hour-long suspense serie... more»

  

• Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | Sports News

  STATE COLLEGE, PA—As thousands of mourners gathered at Penn State's campus spiritual center Wednesday afternoon to say their farewells to Joe Paterno, former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky took the opportunity to express his "deep, everlasting ... more»

  

• Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | Sports News in Brief

  BALTIMORE—Reflecting on a 12-4 season that showcased their gritty, brash, defense-first style, the Baltimore Ravens admitted Thursday that while everyone else chases the pretty, sexy wins, they actually prefer theirs ugly. more»

  

• Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Sports News in Brief

  SEATTLE—Introducing former Yankee farmhand Jesus Montero to the media Friday, the Seattle Mariners said they have high expectations for the newly acquired catching prospect, a player they hope will eventually become great enough to desert them for a... more»

  

• College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting it is "enormously worried" some people are taking an interest in its emerging storylines this early in the season, the sport of college basketball made a statement Saturday urging fans and the media to ignore it... more»

  

• Prince Fielder Catching On To Fact That Teams Take Free Agents Out To Dinner A Lot

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Sports News in Brief

  ORLANDO, FL—After recently visiting the Texas Rangers to discuss the possibility of signing a long-term contract, All-Star first baseman Prince Fielder told reporters Monday he's beginning to notice how many complimentary meals he's getting from int... more»

  

• Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—A confused nation admitted this week it isn't sure what it's supposed to make of the fact that professional golfer Padraig Harrington wears Citizen watches, or what it means that Harrington is apparently fueled by passion and Citizen Signat... more»

  

• New Super Stats

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Sportsgraphic

  Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport. more»

  

• Eli Manning

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Strongside/Weakside

  He has one Super Bowl ring and has led his team to another NFC Championship Game, but many still aren't ready to call Eli an elite quarterback. Is he any good? more»

  

• Oh Christ, Mascot Headed Right For You

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Photo Finish

  

• Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Today Now!

  Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse. more»

  

• Paula Deen Has Diabetes

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | American Voices

  Chef Paula Deen announced this week that she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. What do you think? more»

• Giffords To Resign

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | American Voices

  Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) announced on her website this past weekend that she would resign her seat in the House to concentrate on her recovery. more»

• Obama's State Of The Union

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | American Voices

  President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union last night. What do you think? more»

• Federal Employees Owe More Than $1 Billion In Taxes

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | American Voices

  According to the IRS, federal, postal, and congressional employees owe $1.03 billion in unpaid taxes. more»

• Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | American Voices

  A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products. more»

• On The Giants Upsetting The Packers

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.22.12 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Pictures

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.30.12 | Slideshow

  

• Grapes

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, I recently found out about a great new food I’m sure your readers would love to hear about: grapes. Give them a try. Joyce Babb, Wayne, NJ more»

• Injured Bird

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, In my yard there’s a bird that’s been injured. Should I just go step on it? Greg Romanov, Champaign, IL more»

• 2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

  As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage. more»

  

• How Would You Like To Die?

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | Poll

  Back to story: Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?' more»

• Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama ‘Dad’ In Cabinet Meeting

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Onion Review

  A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. more»

  

• Celebrity Career Swap

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | TV Listings

  ABC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST No one will trade careers with Avril Lavigne, but Scarlett Johansson and Shaq seem to be having a good time. more»

• Project Runaway

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | TV Listings

  Lifetime 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Fourteen-year-old Ashley Fennel is sick of letting her bitch foster mom boss her around and decides to take to the open road. Meanwhile, Jake returns after an unexplained two-week absence, but doesn't want to talk about it... more»

• Piers Morgan: The Animated Adventure

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | TV Listings

  ABC 9 a.m. EST/8 a.m. CST This Saturday morning, Piers sets out on a quest to find the most-talented person in all of Morgania before sitting down for a chatty, yet in-depth interview with cartoon Rob Lowe. more»

• Screwballs

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.29.12 | TV Listings

  ABC Family 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST The gang engages in all the hijinks allowed by ABC Family Worldwide's strict programming guidelines, including a three-second pillow fight and almost dropping a birthday cake. more»

• Michelle Obama Turns On Lights In Middle Of Night To Discover Bedroom Full Of Silent Obese Children Staring At Her

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Newswire

  Michelle Obama Turns On Lights In Middle Of Night To Discover Bedroom Full Of Silent Obese Children Staring At Her more»

• Man Breaks Neck, Both Arms In Attempt To Take Off Jacket In Car

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Newswire

  Man Breaks Neck, Both Arms In Attempt To Take Off Jacket In Car more»

• Twitter Crashes From Sheer Volume Of Clear, Insightful Comments On State Of The Union

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Newswire

  Twitter Crashes From Sheer Volume Of Clear, Insightful Comments On State Of The Union more»

• Coroner Levels Wobbly Examination Table With Piece Of Ear

  ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.25.12 | Newswire

  Coroner Levels Wobbly Examination Table With Piece Of Ear more»

• Woman On Television Claiming There's A Science Of Eyelashes

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | Newswire

  Woman On Television Claiming There's A Science Of Eyelashes more»

• At This Point, Student Loan Collector Just Wants To Know If Area Man Okay

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.29.12 | Newswire

  At This Point, Student Loan Collector Just Wants To Know If Area Man Okay more»

• The Art Of Compromise

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.28.12 | Real Estate

  Never imagined you'd be 35, married with two kids, and working a job you can't stand in a town you once vowed to leave? more»

  

• Just For Show

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.30.12 | Real Estate

  This newly renovated building is the perfect place for dates to drop you off, and a photograph of its exterior is a great way to prove to your parents that you’re doing fine on your own. more»

  

• Ron Paul

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Quote

  "He's not afraid to give Americans no-nonsense straight talk about his completely delusional fantasy world. more»

• Uncle Joe

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Quote

   "I'll teach you the hot licks and killer riffs you need to get 'em wet where it counts." - Vice President Biden more»

• Romneymania

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | Quote

  "The raw energy and enthusiasm Mitt Romney stirs inside people is like nothing I've ever seen." - Youngstown, OH auto mechanic Chris Ritenour more»

• Population Growth

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | Quote

  "I'm just going to level with you—the earth's carrying capacity will no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and civilization will end unless large swaths of human beings are killed, so the question is: How do we want to do this?... more»

• Ninetysomethings

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Quote

• Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | OSN GOOMF

  Doc and Kenny give us each other hell as Tim Tebow's defeat has millions flocking to God, while the Yankees act like paupers and the Wizards beg for a lockout. more»

  

• Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | OSN GOOMF

  Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin’s impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick. more»

  

• Tebow Goes Back To Being Named 'Jimmer Fredette' For NFL Offseason

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.22.12 | Sports Newswire

  Tebow Goes Back To Being Named 'Jimmer Fredette' For NFL Offseason more»

• Inconsistent Indiana Ranked 2nd And 24th In New AP Poll

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Sports Newswire

  Inconsistent Indiana Ranked 2nd And 24th In New AP Poll more»

• Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Sports Newswire

  Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker more»

• Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother

  ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | StarFix

  Tyler Perry has signed a $50 million deal to expand his franchise to include films targeted at the world's 1.4 billion Chinese moviegoers. more»