Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories 

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Issue 4805

Meet The Press

NBC 10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST David Gregory finally remembers to bring in a framed photograph of his wife and kids to put on the table.

Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr...

Downton Abbey

PBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST The hit British show has to do damage control after last week's episode, in which all the characters referred to the fighting in France as "World War I."

Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime

98,344th Pair Leaves 32-Year-Old Man Entirely Sated

BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last ...

SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and the...


Oxygen 11 p.m. EST/10 p.m. CST Special guest George Clooney prattles on about the rainforest for 20 minutes before revealing his trademark grin and whipping it out.

Newt Gingrich

"I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things up a bit more." - Newt Gingrich

Mitt Romney's Watch

"I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of Castro's Cuba—that if my watch is put back in its rightful place in the next two hours, I will cons...

Off The Top Of My Head

Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday!

Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

Two Men

CBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST With the actor who plays the kid still in his coma, Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher have to make do with what they have, and you know what? It's exactly what the show needed.

Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

MINNEAPOLIS—Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever.

Weird-Looking Potato

"Seriously, it is so freakin' weird. At first, you don't even think it's a potato, but after you look at it for a minute, you realize it is a potato, but it's all fucked up." - FDA commissioner Dr.

FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato

SILVER SPRING, MD—Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Monday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato. The half-pound russet potato— discovered last night in a Marylan...

Super Bowl XLVI

It's Super Bowl time, and our analysts have methodically outlined what the Pats and Giants have to do so that fans don't feel vaguely disappointed by this uninspiring game.

Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place

INDIANAPOLIS—Pointing out that Peyton has a big house in Indianapolis and that they never hang out together anymore, Eli Manning approached his brother Friday to ask if he could crash at his place when he's in town for the Super Bowl.

Nation’s Least-Appealing Puppies To Face Off In Puppy Bowl

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the collection of puppies assembled for Puppy Bowl VIII a tired rehashing of the same old Jack Russells, pit mixes, collies, and labs, fans around the nations agreed this week that the 2012 contest would be one of the most ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories 

LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "It's pretty great not having to second-guess whether the shit I'm doing is causing irreparable psychological harm, so I'd better make the most of the next 10 weeks or so," Hardell told reporters Thursday, explaining that thus far he has been able, with total impunity, to pretend as though he were about to throw his son in the trash to make his friends laugh and watch R-rated movies with him. "It's too bad. I'm really going to miss jokingly calling the boy an asshole every time he drops something." According to sources, Hardell has no immediate plans to stop walking around the house nude.