Issue 4805

Punic Wars

Corrections ISSUE 48•05 Feb 1, 2012
Last week, The Onion mixed up the dates of the First and Second Punic Wars in the story "Bedford-Area Girl Kidnapped." The Onion regrets the ...

Two Men

TV Listings ISSUE 48•05 Jan 30, 2012
CBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST With the actor who plays the kid still in his coma, Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher ...

Shafts

TV Listings ISSUE 48•05 Feb 1, 2012
Oxygen 11 p.m. EST/10 p.m. CST Special guest George Clooney prattles on about the rainforest for 20 minutes before revealing his trademark ...

Mitt Romney's Watch

Quote ISSUE 48•05 Jan 31, 2012
"I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of ...

Newt Gingrich

Quote ISSUE 48•05 Feb 1, 2012
"I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things ...