132-Room Estate Includes Personal Chef, 24-Hour Security Detail
WASHINGTON—Over the past three years, as the sluggish economy has forced many Americans to tighten their belts, President Obama has reportedly enjoyed a lavish ...
Horrified Workers Watch As Colleague Torn Apart By Powerful Content-Gathering Engine
NEW YORK—Shocked and saddened witnesses at the Huffington Post's news-aggregation facility have confirmed that employee Henry Evers, 25, died Wednesday ...
WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been ...
STAMFORD, CT—Local CPA Adam Hober told reporters Wednesday he was pleased to see the Girl Scouts of America had chosen not to feature the ...
DAMASCUS—Noting that without the brutal subjugation of its masses a totalitarian state is effectively meaningless, Syrian officials announced this week that the country is ...
MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's Hispanics, asking if they would please return ...
TAMPA, FL—Following a decisive win in tonight's Florida primary, presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a moment during his victory address to reflect on ...
MIAMI BEACH, FL—Sparing no expense to celebrate his 14-point win over Newt Gingrich in last night's Florida primary, Mitt Romney hosted a lavish ...
ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not ...
TUCSON, AZ—A University of Arizona study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology suggests that some adult humans may occasionally feel compassion ...
98,344th Pair Leaves 32-Year-Old Man Entirely Sated
BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th ...
LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk ...
Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage ...
Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you ...
SAN ANTONIO, TX—Sleepwalking obstetrician Dr. Karen Shield patiently explained to the refrigerator that it was having an ectopic pregnancy.
FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.
$95.63 (+$8.52) (+9.8%) Shares for the restaurant chain got an early- morning boost after management finally caved to customer demand and started ...
SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the collection of puppies assembled for Puppy Bowl VIII a tired rehashing of the same old Jack Russells, pit mixes, collies ...
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Organizers of the Australian Open canceled the highly anticipated Grand Slam event Wednesday night after admitting they were unable to prevent tennis balls ...
INDIANAPOLIS—Pointing out that Peyton has a big house in Indianapolis and that they never hang out together anymore, Eli Manning approached his brother Friday ...
MINNEAPOLIS—Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully ...
NASHVILLE, TN—The first 500 visitors to see the Nashville Predators play hockey in their custom-built reinforced glass enclosure at Bridgestone Arena Saturday will actually ...
INDIANAPOLIS—Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website ...
As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects.
It's Super Bowl time, and our analysts have methodically outlined what the Pats and Giants have to do so that fans don't feel ...
The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and ...
The discovery of a jawbone in a Siberian cave may indicate the domestication of dogs took place 30,000 years ago, 16,000 years earlier ...
Beginning with its 2012 subcompact Sonic, Chevrolet will begin providing information on the lifetime environmental impact of its cars.
Social networking site Facebook is expected to go public this week and will likely become the largest tech IPO in history.
A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades ...
In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be ...
The Super Bowl is almost here, and no fan can afford to be without the Onion Sports guide to the game's most crucial personnel.
First Responders attempt to bluff their way through a discussion of the most recent Republican debate.
The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running ...
Last week, The Onion mixed up the dates of the First and Second Punic Wars in the story "Bedford-Area Girl Kidnapped." The Onion regrets the ...
CBS
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
With the actor who plays the kid still in his coma, Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher ...
Oxygen
11 p.m. EST/10 p.m. CST
Special guest George Clooney prattles on about the rainforest for 20 minutes before revealing his trademark ...
PBS
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
The hit British show has to do damage control after last week's episode, in which ...
NBC
10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST
David Gregory finally remembers to bring in a framed photograph of his wife and kids to ...
Rosa Maria Torres, 81, died peacefully in bed surrounded by fat grandkids.
An unopened one-gallon jar of Hellmann's mayonnaise quietly expired last week.
"Seriously, it is so freakin' weird. At first, you don't even think it's a potato, but after you look at it for a ...
"I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of ...
"I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things ...
News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton ...
Crocodile Chokes To Death On Curt Schilling
Brandon Marshall Proves What He’s Capable Of If Defenses Play At 50 Percent
Controversial GoDaddy.com Super Bowl Commercial To Feature Scantily Clad Woman Performing Late-Term Abortion
Nation's Telephone Conversation Fans Thrilled By Long-Awaited Mayweather-Pacquiao Phone Call
