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Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy

• New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | News

  WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S. more»

  

• Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News

  NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di... more»

  

• Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News

  TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th ... more»

  

• Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | News in Brief

  TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c... more»

• Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Department of Health and Human Services officials held a press conference Monday to announce that while no studies had been conducted to establish that the practice is unhealthy, people still should not eat candles. more»

• Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—According to a report from the U.S. Department of Education released Thursday, watching a single episode of the British TV series Downton Abbey is the cultural and educational equivalent of reading an entire book. more»

  

• Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | News in Brief

  BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin, more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress. more»

  

• New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | News in Brief

  PRINCETON, NJ—A new biography by science historian Tanya Medel has rocked the physics world with the revelation that theoretical physicist Albert Einstein wasn't smart enough to invent Microsoft Word and use it to devise his theory of relativity. more»

  

• Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | News in Brief

  CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincin­nati area reported multiple sightings of a non­indigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and t... more»

  

• Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Like Things To Go Right For Once

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | News in Brief

  UTICA, NY—A poll released Tuesday by Zogby International found that 72 percent of Americans would prefer it if things could go right, just this one time, without something inevitably coming along and screwing everything up. more»

• Choosing Your Candidate

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Infographic

  During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you: Don’t vote for anyone who can’t make free throws, b... more»

  

• 'Soul Train' Creator Don Cornelius Dead

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | Infographic

  Last week, the final chapter of Soul Train came to a close when show creator and longtime host Don Cornelius was found dead in his California home. Here are some highlights from the legendary show he created: 1971: Ja... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7, 2012

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Horoscope

  Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see... more»

• Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Radio News

• Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Radio News

• Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | Radio News

• Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | Radio News

• Local Man Miscast In Role As Father

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | Radio News

• COLUMBUS, OH—Fantastic roommate Billy Grant just won't stop buying toilet paper.

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | National News Highlights

  COLUMBUS, OH—Fantastic roommate Billy Grant just won't stop buying toilet paper. more»

• EL PASO, TX—A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to work thinking, "Cockroach’s gotta make a living."

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | National News Highlights

  EL PASO, TX—A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to work thinking, "Cockroach’s gotta make a living." more»

• VICTOR, CO—Amateur photographer Blake Cogburn, 33, hit the jackpot after happening upon an old boxcar.

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | National News Highlights

  VICTOR, CO—Amateur photographer Blake Cogburn, 33, hit the jackpot after happening upon an old boxcar. more»

• Toyota (TM)

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Stockwatch

  $75.30 (+$.1.10) (+1.5%) The automaker's shares went up after it announced a deal with Costco in which the warehouse-store chain will carry 20-packs of Camrys. more»

• Tommy Lee Jones Tells Us Why He's Kept A Little Boy's Name For So Long

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Talking Trash

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sports News

  DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu... more»

  

• Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | Sports News in Brief

  TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight. more»

  

• Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With Grandparents

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—At a press conference Monday, Everton and Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan announced his signing of a $2-Per-Goal contract with his grandparents Frank and Dianne Donovan—a full 100 percent raise from his previous ag... more»

  

• Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The NHL announced Tuesday it would study the possible safety and injury risks of playing hockey on Astro-Ice, an artificial rink-surfacing material used by many teams instead of expensive and difficult-to-maintain ice, the solid state of wa... more»

  

• In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Newsroom

  In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us. more»

  

• Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | American Voices

  A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit. more»

• Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | American Voices

  Nine whooping cranes that had been following an ultralight aircraft as it guided them on their migratory route stopped when they reached Alabama, 500 miles short of the intended destination. more»

• Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | American Voices

  A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years. more»

• Spanking Doesn't Work

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | American Voices

  A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal analyzed two decades of research and found that children who were punished physically became more aggressive over time, while those who weren't became less aggressive. more»

• On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.05.12 | Fan On The Street

• Cloning Update

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Where are scientists at on cloning? Since the sheep it seems like there’s been nothing. Paul Goethe, Rochester, NY more»

• GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

  Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. more»

  

• Kid Court

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | TV Listings

  FOX 6 p.m. EST/5 p.m. CST Judge Tommy rules that to recover his money from a crooked car dealer, plaintiff Clark Reynolds first has to kiss a dog's butt. more»

• Cryojennifer

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | TV Listings

  CW 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Tonight: The beautiful but absentminded Cryojennifer completely messes up a sales report at work, makes the mistake of questioning her sister's weight, and burns a meal she cooks for her boyfriend, realizing once again that the o... more»

• The Dr. Oz Show

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.10.12 | TV Listings

  NBC 4 p.m. EST/3 a.m. CST Dr. Oz surprises everyone in the studio audience with free defibrillators. more»

• Man Wants To Give To Local PBS Affiliate But Can't Stand Thought Of Free Doo-Wop Album

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Newswire

• Narcissist Thrilled To Find Symptoms In DSM-IV

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Newswire

  Narcissist Thrilled To Find Symptoms In DSM-IV more»

• Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | Newswire

  Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney more»

• With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery.

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Weddings

  With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery. more»

  

• Although she desperately wanted to marry Brandon Cisneros, Amy Phillips, 25, thought saying "I don't do" at the ceremony was just too funny an opportunity to pass up.

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | Weddings

  Although she desperately wanted to marry Brandon Cisneros, Amy Phillips, 25, thought saying "I don't do' at the ceremony was just too funny an opportunity to pass up. more»

  

• NASA

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Quote

  "We're excited we made contact with this advanced form of life, but it's clear they're pretty big jerks." - NASA more»

• Aged Americans

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | Quote

  "Think about it: You're a United States citizen who has to live with the decision to elect Barack Obama every single day, a decision that constantly affects the entire planet. more»

• Arne Duncan

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | Quote

  "We've basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards." Education Secretary Arne Duncan more»

• Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | OSN GOOMF

  Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It's a special GOOMF Blast! more»

  

• Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.04.12 | Sports Newswire

  Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats more»

• Most Clippers Fans Still Have No Idea Team Is Doing Well

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Sports Newswire

  Most Clippers Fans Still Have No Idea Team Is Doing Well more»

• Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Sports Newswire

  Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff more»

• Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

  ISSUE 48•06 | 02.08.12 | StarFix

  Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage. more»