WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans ...
'Nope, Can't Deal With That Today,' Populace Says
RAFFERTYVILLE, FL—According to reports coming in from around the country this morning, people are steadfastly refusing to read a news headline past the words ...
LOS ANGELES—Saying they don't want to hear anything at all about what film producers can or can't do, moviegoers across the country ...
LEXINGTON, KY—As a video of two women fellating a man streamed on his laptop, 36-year-old Timothy Barchuk reminisced Monday about a simpler time when ...
WASHINGTON—Claiming something "just seemed off" with the combination of candidates currently seeking the Republican Party's nomination for president, voters asked Tuesday if they ...
CLEVELAND—As part of an ongoing effort to rejuvenate its public transportation system, the Greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority announced Wednesday that it had signed ...
'God, Those Were The Days,' Longing Citizens Announce
WACO, TX—The nation gazed wistfully at high school sophomore Eliza Baker as she took notes in a dog-eared copy of Harper Lee’s To ...
BRUSSELS—Representatives of the 192 remaining U.N. member states have expelled the U.S. delegation following the country's appearance last week in a ...
SAN FRANCISCO—Three days after giving birth, first-time mother Courtney Baldritch has registered with the web service WordPress for the purpose of blogging the severely ...
A former Motorola software engineer was found guilty of stealing industrial secrets, though acquitted of charges she intended to commit espionage on behalf of China ...
Aries Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky ...
COLUMBIA, MD—Flag salesman Roman Ivey could really use another national tragedy to tide him over until July 4.
EMPORIA, KS—A cicada in dormancy since 2008 briefly awoke and was excited to realize it just had 13 more years to go before mating ...
WAUKEGAN, IL—After nobody took them up on their day of amnesty for fines, public library officials resorted to a door-to-door raid, collecting three Curious ...
OFFERMAN, GA—After realizing she waved good morning to the wrong squirrel, Kiera Boyd recovered by coughing a bit and pretending to fix her hair.
$64.98 (+$13.84) (+27.1%) Shares in the spice purveyor soared on word that the three sturdy galleons dispatched two years afore had been ...
INDIANAPOLIS—Mere minutes after Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, he was congratulated in the locker room by his ...
'I Let A Lot Of Nationally Syndicated Columnists Down,' Says Slugger
DALLAS—Texas Rangers All-Star outfielder and former alcoholic Josh Hamilton held a press conference Friday to issue an apology to the mainstream sports media for ...
NEW YORK—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told ...
INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown ...
MONTREAL—Upon releasing documents Monday relating to the verdict against 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador, World Anti-Doping Agency officials mentioned to reporters they ...
NEW YORK—Amid talks of "possibly adding a 32nd team" to the National Football League, Commissioner Roger Goodell was reminded by aides Tuesday that the ...
The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic ...
Fans of the Batman film series have drafted a petition to make an appearance from late actor Heath Ledger happen.
On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad says any Mexican who crosses the scorching-hot desert on foot has proved himself worthy of U.S.
With a vote of 75 to 20 in the Senate, Congress approved a bill that will allow more drones, military and private, in U.S.
Producers for the show House announced the current season of the popular medical drama would be its last.
Twenty-three-year-old Saudi newspaper columnist Hamza Kashgari was arrested in Malaysia, where he was trying to flee after receiving death threats for tweets addressed to the ...
While vacationing in the Caribbean, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer and his family were robbed of $1,000 by an intruder wielding a machete.
While renovating the basement of a bank he plans to turn into a restaurant, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver reportedly found $1.7 million in valuables ...
Fearing it would interfere with GPS devices, the Federal Communications Commission is revoking the permit of the company LightSquared to build a nationwide wireless broadband ...
The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make ...
Back to story: Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To'
Movie fans demand to see new Heath Ledger performance in 'Dark Knight Rises,' a truly authentic Mexican restaurant is shut down immediately, and another dead ...
Staff writer J.O. Rolston’s Jan. 28 feature "Swing Set," about swing revivalists Squirrel Nut Zippers, was mistakenly written in 2012.
The latest Onion Conspiracy Index omitted a key player. We regret that this arch-puppeteer has ensnared us in its global scheme and won’t allow ...
Fox 5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST Traveling from Nebraska to Nevada, John Madden invites some lesser MVPs to come aboard his bus ...
Discovery
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
Tonight, Warren Buffett shows us his favorite $100 bill.
Fox 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Norah Jones sips a glass of wine and watches people have sex to Norah Jones songs.
Animal
7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST
A woman talks about the time she saw what had to be a centipede just sitting ...
"In the last one, they flipped over a semi and blew up an entire hospital, so don't tell me they can't use a ...
After another bite of sour fish, Doc struggles to hold down the Jeremy Lin trade, Derrick Rose in a gurney, and the wusses on the ...
Self-Loathing Nation Sees Itself In Wes Welker, Hates What It Sees
Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security
Chipper Jones Reports To Spring Training Early Just To Take Dump In Peace
Suns Ownership Continually Dropping Hints To Steve Nash That He Should Demand Trade
