WASHINGTON—According to reports from distressed Capitol Hill sources, members of both houses of Congress were eerily cooperative and agreeable throughout today's legislative session ...
Jesus
NEW YORK—Pushed to the breaking point after constantly being taken to task for its shortcomings without ever hearing so much as a word of ...
AKRON, OH—According to witnesses, a tight-knit group of five female friends spent a wild night on the town Saturday, overindulging in emotionally supportive behavior ...
'We're Just So Happy To Be Here,' Joyful Couple Announces
LOS ANGELES—Stepping out of a chauffeured limousine just as dawn broke above Hollywood's Kodak Theatre Sunday morning, Brad Pitt and longtime partner Angelina ...
CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed ...
WASHINGTON—A resolute President Obama warned Tuesday that if Iran remained unwilling to halt its nuclear program, the United States would consider any and all ...
PHOENIX—As Newt Gingrich continues to cede ground to Rick Santorum, the former House speaker's campaign team has responded by advising him to stay ...
LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one ...
PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA—After working her third straight 17-hour shift, garment worker Nghiem Phuong said Monday she "couldn't help but laugh" after sewing her ...
SENECA, OR—Owner and founder of Fossil Bed Brewery Dave Walker, 39, reportedly struggled Saturday to find a way to work his 5-year-old Labrador retriever ...
LOS ANGELES—Seeking to honor filmmakers for fair and inclusive portrayals of the LGBT community, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation announced Sunday the ...
Amidst charges that Apple employs numerous Chinese factories that mistreat and underpay their employees, Apple CEO Tim Cook vowed to ensure the safety and fair ...
Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage ...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Unbeknownst to them, liberal couple Abel Russ and Jessica Scott, both 29, haven't had nonethnic food in nearly two months.
SAN ANGELO, TX—The obnoxious drunk hitting on Lloyd’s girl was in need of a serious beating, but it’d have to wait until ...
WATERTOWN, MA—Ethan Hodgson, 29, felt pretty great after traveling an unprecedented nine stops as the most attractive guy on the 71 bus.
SCIO, OR—A white dog on the corner of Hampton Avenue and Greene Street needs a bath.
$7.98 (+$.13) (+1.66%) Shares jumped after Bank of America marketing researchers finally found some fees their customers love.
NEW YORK—As the Jeremy Lin phenomenon continues to lift hopes and spirits among the Knicks faithful and basketball fans nationwide, team doctors are doing ...
LOS ANGELES—CBS executives announced Friday they have ordered a full season of a new show called Loose Ends, a situation comedy about a buttoned-down ...
BOSTON—While acknowledging Tom Brady’s decision to betroth his sister Julie to savage, lecherous Kevin Youkilis may be morally repugnant on a personal level ...
ORLANDO—The Orlando Magic were forced to evacuate the Amway Center prior to their game against Milwaukee Friday after team officials called security to investigate ...
TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an unfortunate instance of ill-timing, mixed martial artist Pat Schrode finally discovered the feeling of true, unrequited love Saturday morning just ...
Danica Patrick and fuel-injected cars are just two of the exciting changes NASCAR has in store for us this racing season.
Since coming out of nowhere two weeks ago, Jeremy Lin has rejuvenated the Knicks, reignited interest in basketball, and become a bona fide phenomenon.
On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark.
Because they cost more than twice their face value between non-cost-effective raw materials and manufacturing expenses, the Obama administration asked Congress for permission to change ...
An Emory University study published in the journal Current Biology shows that common fruit flies often seek out fermented fruit for nourishment in order to ...
According to the ad-tracking firm Kantar Media/CMAG, the percentage of Republican primary attack ads increased from 6 percent in 2008 to 50 percent in ...
Dutch scientists have started using stem cells to grow muscle tissue in hopes of producing the first-ever synthetic-meat hamburger later this year.
In an attempt to raise revenues, President Obama proposed a plan that would simplify the corporate tax code, lower the corporate tax rate from 35 ...
Dear The Onion, My wife makes the best spaghetti in the world. How do I get her to make it more often without having to ...
Dear The Onion, Please remove the stars covering the nipples of the models on the last few pages. Kurt Blankenship, Flint, MI
Female friends spend a raucous night validating the living shit out of each other, an exhausted sweatshop worker just has to laugh after sewing her ...
While watching a young mother struggle with her a child at the local pharmacy, Margerie Hempstead respectfully held herself to a disapproving glare instead of ...
Angela Cloud did her best not to seem bored as she listened to a coworker talk about having his dog put down.
Bob Peterson, 47, walked up to his wife and gave her a big fat kiss in front of everyone.
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8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
After a week of cuddling, homework help, and bedtime stories, which child will go back to ...
Food 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST Executive chef Ruff Goldstein rushes to create a lasagna that looks like a flock ...
"Carmelo's injury really isn't that unusual or severe, as these things go, so we've had to be persistent in striking him repeatedly ...
Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation
Hampered Kevin Garnett To See Age Specialist
Office Prick Returns From Fantasy Camp
Arena Sound Guy Given Cousin's Demo To Play During Timeouts
Little League World Series to Begin Testing Players For Mustaches
On Star Fix, entertainment insiders say this might be the year Hollywood's favorite leaf, which has appeared in more than 60 films, finally takes ...
Ted Kennedy's crying ghost disrupts Congress and a pilot crashes in the Kardashian wilderness, in today's NewsBlitz.
