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Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital

• Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | News

  WASHINGTON—According to reports from distressed Capitol Hill sources, members of both houses of Congress were eerily cooperative and agreeable throughout today's legislative session, prompting widespread confusion, fear, and suspicion among politica... more»

  

• Nation Trying, Okay?

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | News

  NEW YORK—Pushed to the breaking point after constantly being taken to task for its shortcomings without ever hearing so much as a word of thanks for everything it does around here, an overwhelmed and infuriated nation announced Wednesday that it was... more»

  

• Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | News

  AKRON, OH—According to witnesses, a tight-knit group of five female friends spent a wild night on the town Saturday, overindulging in emotionally supportive behavior and generally validating the living shit out of each other. Confirming the women ge... more»

  

• Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.26.12 | News

  LOS ANGELES—Stepping out of a chauffeured limousine just as dawn broke above Hollywood's Kodak Theatre Sunday morning, Brad Pitt and longtime partner Angelina Jolie arrived at the 84th Annual Academy Awards, taking their place on the red carpet a fu... more»

  

• Woman In Ninth Year Of Letting Boyfriend Down Easy

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed Wednesday she has been letting boyfriend Greg Norfolk down easy for the pa... more»

• Obama: No Option Off The Table Except Snatching Iran's Leaders With Hook Lowered From Plane And Flying Them To Washington

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—A resolute President Obama warned Tuesday that if Iran remained unwilling to halt its nuclear program, the United States would consider any and all options at its disposal short of whisking away the Islamic republic's leaders using a hook... more»

  

• Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay On Uninspiring, Belittling Message

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | News in Brief

  PHOENIX—As Newt Gingrich continues to cede ground to Rick Santorum, the former House speaker's campaign team has responded by advising him to stay focused on the belligerent, mean-spirited message that has long been the hallmark of his presidential ... more»

  

• Police Report: Sexual Assault Numbers Under Control, Unless You Count The Super Brutal Ones

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one excludes the attacks that are just really awful and merciless. more»

• Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.25.12 | News in Brief

  PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA—After working her third straight 17-hour shift, garment worker Nghiem Phuong said Monday she "couldn't help but laugh" after sewing her index and ring fingers together. "Well, I guess it's just one of th... more»

  

• Microbrewer Trying To Work Dog Into Name Of New Seasonal Beer

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.25.12 | News in Brief

  SENECA, OR—Owner and founder of Fossil Bed Brewery Dave Walker, 39, reportedly struggled Saturday to find a way to work his 5-year-old Labrador retriever mix into the name of a new spiced winter ale. more»

• GLAAD To Honor Any Mainstream Film That Gets One Thing Right About Being Gay

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.26.12 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Seeking to honor filmmakers for fair and inclusive portrayals of the LGBT community, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation announced Sunday the establishment of a prestigious new prize to be awarded to any mainstream motion pic... more»

• Apple Vows To End Unsafe Labor Practices

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | Infographic

  Amidst charges that Apple employs numerous Chinese factories that mistreat and underpay their employees, Apple CEO Tim Cook vowed to ensure the safety and fair compensation of the people who make the company’s popular iPods, iPads, and iPhones. ... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 21, 2012

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Horoscope

  Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you. Tau... more»

• What Petition Are We Signing?

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | Statshot

  

• Local Child Amuses Café Patrons—But For How Long?

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | Radio News

• Ducks Only Interested In Area Man's Bread

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Radio News

• Crush Lasts Nearly Entire Bus Ride

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | Radio News

• Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen 'Whole Heck Of A Lot'

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | Radio News

• Area Man Somehow Less Popular Than He Was In High School

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | Radio News

• 5-Year-Old Wants To Be Overworked Haitian Nanny When He Grows Up

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.26.12 | News in Photos

  

• I’m Getting Bitten By The Oscar Bug…AGAIN!

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Commentary

  For some people, March Madness begins in March, and it’s tied to college basketball, but not me! more»

• WASHINGTON, DC—Unbeknownst to them, liberal couple Abel Russ and Jessica Scott, both 29, haven't had nonethnic food in nearly two months.

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | National News Highlights

  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Unbeknownst to them, liberal couple Abel Russ and Jessica Scott, both 29, haven't had nonethnic food in nearly two months. more»

• SAN ANGELO, TX—The obnoxious drunk hitting on Lloyd’s girl was in need of a serious beating, but it’d have to wait until he hit the gym for a couple more months.

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | National News Highlights

  SAN ANGELO, TX—The obnoxious drunk hitting on Lloyd’s girl was in need of a serious beating, but it’d have to wait until he hit the gym for a couple more months. more»

• WATERTOWN, MA—Ethan Hodgson, 29, felt pretty great after traveling an unprecedented nine stops as the most attractive guy on the 71 bus.

  ISSUE 48•17 ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | National News Highlights

  WATERTOWN, MA—Ethan Hodgson, 29, felt pretty great after traveling an unprecedented nine stops as the most attractive guy on the 71 bus. more»

• SCIO, OR—A white dog on the corner of Hampton Avenue and Greene Street needs a bath.

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.26.12 | National News Highlights

  SCIO, OR—A white dog on the corner of Hampton Avenue and Greene Street needs a bath. more»

• Bank of America (BAC)

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Stockwatch

  $7.98 (+$.13) (+1.66%) Shares jumped after Bank of America marketing researchers finally found some fees their customers love. more»

• Startling Pigeons And 16 Other Uses For A Trombone 

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Royal Welcome

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Knicks Doctors Continue Carefully Reinjuring Carmelo Anthony's Groin

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.17.12 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—As the Jeremy Lin phenomenon continues to lift hopes and spirits among the Knicks faithful and basketball fans nationwide, team doctors are doing everything they can to maintain the unusually high level of morale by painstakingly and method... more»

  

• New Sitcom To Feature Blocking Tight End Living With Pass-Catching Tight End

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.17.12 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—CBS executives announced Friday they have ordered a full season of a new show called Loose Ends, a situation comedy about a buttoned-down NFL tight end known for his blocking ability who lives in a condo with his brash young teamm... more»

  

• Tom Brady Cruelly Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkilis

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.18.12 | Sports News in Brief

  BOSTON—While acknowledging Tom Brady’s decision to betroth his sister Julie to savage, lecherous Kevin Youkilis may be morally repugnant on a personal level, Boston sports analysts said Thursday the move should consolidate the superstar’... more»

  

• Suspicious-Looking Duffel Bag Spotted On Magic Bench Just Glen Davis

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.19.12 | Sports News in Brief

  ORLANDO—The Orlando Magic were forced to evacuate the Amway Center prior to their game against Milwaukee Friday after team officials called security to investigate a large, suspicious duffel bag that turned out to be forward Glen Davis. more»

  

• MMA Fighter Unfortunately Discovers True Love For First Time On Morning Of Big Fight

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

  TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an unfortunate instance of ill-timing, mixed martial artist Pat Schrode finally discovered the feeling of true, unrequited love Saturday morning just hours before his fight with Kyle Hendrix. more»

  

• What To Look For In NASCAR This Year

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.17.12 | Sportsgraphic

  Danica Patrick and fuel-injected cars are just two of the exciting changes NASCAR has in store for us this racing season.   more»

  

• Jeremy Lin

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.18.12 | Strongside/Weakside

  Since coming out of nowhere two weeks ago, Jeremy Lin has rejuvenated the Knicks, reignited interest in basketball, and become a bona fide phenomenon. more»

  

• NASCAR Driver's Parents Pay For Congratulatory Message On Side Of Son’s Car

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.18.12 | Photo Finish

  

• Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | Today Now!

  On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark. more»

  

• Pennies, Nickels To Change?

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | American Voices

  Because they cost more than twice their face value between non-cost-effective raw materials and manufacturing expenses, the Obama administration asked Congress for permission to change the metal composition for the nickel and penny. more»

• Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | American Voices

  An Emory University study published in the journal Current Biology shows that common fruit flies often seek out fermented fruit for nourishment in order to self-medicate against the threat of deadly parasitic wasps. more»

• Negative Advertising More Frequent In 2012 Primary

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | American Voices

  According to the ad-tracking firm Kantar Media/CMAG, the percentage of Republican primary attack ads increased from 6 percent in 2008 to 50 percent in 2012. more»

• Scientists Create Lab-Grown Meat

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | American Voices

  Dutch scientists have started using stem cells to grow muscle tissue in hopes of producing the first-ever synthetic-meat hamburger later this year. more»

• Obama Proposes Lowering Corporate Tax Rate

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | American Voices

  In an attempt to raise revenues, President Obama proposed a plan that would simplify the corporate tax code, lower the corporate tax rate from 35 percent to 28 percent, and eliminate numerous loopholes. more»

• On Lance Armstrong’s Second-Place Triathlon Finish

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.19.12 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Pictures

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.27.12 | Slideshow

  

• Best Spaghetti

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, My wife makes the best spaghetti in the world. How do I get her to make it more often without having to admit that I like it? Randolph Tiggs, Chicago more»

• Nipple Stars

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.25.12 | Letters To The Editor

  Dear The Onion, Please remove the stars covering the nipples of the models on the last few pages. Kurt Blankenship, Flint, MI more»

• Test Your Religious Knowledge

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | Quiz

• Facebook To Permit Users To Change Privacy Settings Only If They Guess Word Contained In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | Onion Review

  Female friends spend a raucous night validating the living shit out of each other, an exhausted sweatshop worker just has to laugh after sewing her fingers together, and a 5-year old wants to be an overworked Haitian nanny when he grows up. more»

  

• Margerie Hempstead

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Unsung Heroes

  While watching a young mother struggle with her a child at the local pharmacy, Margerie Hempstead respectfully held herself to a disapproving glare instead of explaining the proper way she would raise a child. more»

  

• Angela Cloud

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | Unsung Heroes

  Angela Cloud did her best not to seem bored as she listened to a coworker talk about having his dog put down. more»

  

• Bob Peterson

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.26.12 | Unsung Heroes

  Bob Peterson, 47, walked up to his wife and gave her a big fat kiss in front of everyone. more»

  

• The Parents

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | TV Listings

  ABC 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST After a week of cuddling, homework help, and bedtime stories, which child will go back to the orphanage without a rose? more»

• Ace Of Lasagnas

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | TV Listings

  Food 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST Executive chef Ruff Goldstein rushes to create a lasagna that looks like a flock of penguins for an event at the Columbus Zoo. more»

• Conversation Successfully Completed Without Single Mention Of Netflix Queue

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Newswire

  Conversation Successfully Completed Without Single Mention Of Netflix Queue more»

• Area Man Hears Self Say He's A 'Big Chicken Pot Pie Guy'

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | Newswire

  Area Man Hears Self Say He's A 'Big Chicken Pot Pie Guy' more»

• Area Man Finally Finds Good Reason To Hate Co-Worker He Hates

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.23.12 | Newswire

  Area Man Finally Finds Good Reason To Hate Co-Worker He Hates more»

• Frightened Man Wakes Up Knowing Exactly Where He Is

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | Newswire

  Frightened Man Wakes Up Knowing Exactly Where He Is more»

• Magazine Article Describes Rap Song As 'Blistering Display Of Braggadocio'

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.25.12 | Newswire

  Magazine Article Describes Rap Song As 'Blistering Display Of Braggadocio' more»

• Brandeis Frat Boys Always Quoting ‘A Serious Man’

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.26.12 | Newswire

  Brandeis Frat Boys Always Quoting ‘A Serious Man’ more»

• Melo's Groin

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.17.12 | Quote

  "Carmelo's injury really isn't that unusual or severe, as these things go, so we've had to be persistent in striking him repeatedly and forcefully in the crotch to prevent him from returning to the lineup." – Knicks team doctor Craig McCon... more»

• Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.16.12 | Sports Newswire

  Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation more»

• Hampered Kevin Garnett To See Age Specialist

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.18.12 | Sports Newswire

  Hampered Kevin Garnett To See Age Specialist more»

• Office Prick Returns From Fantasy Camp

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.19.12 | Sports Newswire

  Office Prick Returns From Fantasy Camp more»

• Arena Sound Guy Given Cousin's Demo To Play During Timeouts

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | Sports Newswire

  Arena Sound Guy Given Cousin's Demo To Play During Timeouts more»

• Little League World Series to Begin Testing Players For Mustaches

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | Sports Newswire

  Little League World Series to Begin Testing Players For Mustaches more»

• Leaf From "Tree Of Life" Frontrunner For Best Actor Oscar

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.22.12 | StarFix

  On Star Fix, entertainment insiders say this might be the year Hollywood's favorite leaf, which has appeared in more than 60 films, finally takes home the Academy Award. more»

  

• NewsBlitz: Senate Session Interrupted By Wailing Of Ted Kennedy's Ghost

  ISSUE 48•08 | 02.21.12 | War For The White House

  Ted Kennedy's crying ghost disrupts Congress and a pilot crashes in the Kardashian wilderness, in today's NewsBlitz. more»