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Issue 4809

Danica Patrick

She's one of sports' single-name stars, but even after her first Daytona 500 start, Danica is more well-known for her endorsements than her performance.

World's Youngest Person Born

Meth addicts demand the government address the nation's growing spider menace, K-Y introduces a new line of jam, and Prince Fielder reports to spring training exactly the right amount overweight.

Washed-Up Air Bud Signs With Greek Pro Team

RHODES, GREECE—Ignoring critics’ calls for the aging golden retriever's retirement, basketball standout and multisport athlete Air "Bud" Buddy has signed a one-year contract for an undisclosed amount with Kolossos Rodou B.C., a mid-l...

Cost of Living

"For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living." - Jack Farness

Carla Starla

DISNEY 11 a.m. EDT/10 a.m. CDT If Carla tells her boyfriend, Bill, that she's actually an alien in this episode written by an adult man who went to college for dramatic writing, will he still think she's out of this world?

K-Y Introduces New Line Of Jam

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the nation's most popular personal lubricant, K-Y Jelly, held a press conference Monday...

Saturday Night Live

NBC 11:30 p.m. EST/10:30 p.m. CST If you are 34 years old, you can stop watching SNL now. Thank you for your years of support.

Voter Registration Efforts

As the election grows nearer, many organizations are out in full force to increase voter registration. What are they doing to encourage people...

Report: Your Favorite Player Took Steroids

NEW YORK—Representatives from Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, the National Hockey League, and several other major sporting organizations announced Tuesday that a study conducted...

Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board indicates that the cost of living now outstrips life's benefits for many Americans.

Ask A Jostens Class-Ring Salesman

Terry Feldon is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Jostens Class-Ring Salesman, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Fuck-Buddy Becomes Fuck-Fiancé

MIAMI, FL—In spite of the explicitly casual nature of their relationship, fuck-buddies Nora Ingersoll and Keith Hetzel are engaged, friend Tom Stipps reported Tuesday. "Keith and Nora have been fooling around for years, but Keith said they were just friends," Stipps said. "I was shocked when Nora showed up wearing a ring." Later that day, the couple reportedly opened a fuck-joint-checking account.

Jury Selection Proving Difficult In Trial Of 'The Jury Killer'

PHOENIX—Defense attorneys for Thomas David Skrepnak, accused in 1999 of fatally stabbing all 12 members of the jury hearing his armed-robbery trial, are having trouble finding unbiased jurors for his upcoming murder trial. "It is difficult to find a jury that won't be at least somewhat prejudiced against Thomas," lead defense attorney Patricia Wynne said Monday, "especially given the hot-button issue of jury murder at hand here." Skrepnak's last six court appearances all ended in mistrial.

Riverboat Horseracing Fails Utterly

BILOXI, MS—Owners of the nation's first riverboat-horseracing facility announced its closure Tuesday, minutes after the inaugural race. "I guess we planned it pretty poorly," said Ronald Frisch, president and CEO of Gambling Concepts Unlimited. "We figured that once we opened the dining-room doors, the horses would know to race through the grand buffet room to the other side of the boat." Twenty-five people were trampled to death in the chaos that resulted, and eight horses drowned when they fell from the riverboat's lower deck. Gambling Concepts Unlimited officials said they still plan to hold next month's airborne rodeo as scheduled.
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