WASHINGTON, DC—Activists called for federal assistance as a last resort after trying to contain the problem with diplomacy, cathode rays, and methamphetamines.

WASHINGTON—Government funding of the 14-line lyric poem will ensure that America's prose "remains the biggest, best-designed, and best funded in the world."

BILOXI, MS—Owners of the nation's first riverboat-horseracing facility announced its closure Tuesday, minutes after the inaugural race. "I guess we planned it pretty ...

PHOENIX—Defense attorneys for Thomas David Skrepnak, accused in 1999 of fatally stabbing all 12 members of the jury hearing his armed-robbery trial, are having ...

MIAMI, FL—In spite of the explicitly casual nature of their relationship, fuck-buddies Nora Ingersoll and Keith Hetzel are engaged, friend Tom Stipps reported Tuesday ...

MOUNT PLEASANT, PA—Anthony Pennline, 28, decided Tuesday, following a random encounter at a coffee shop with 26-year old acquaintance April...

[media:76325] BEIJING—Hijinx Of The Masses, a Chinese sitcom about 16 twentysomethings who live above a tea shop, was canceled Monday...

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the nation's most popular personal lubricant, K-Y Jelly, held a press conference Monday...

WASHINGTON—A new study released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics Tuesday confirmed that the most dependable source of income for...

As the election grows nearer, many organizations are out in full force to increase voter registration. What are they doing to encourage people...

You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.

Many Animals Harmed In Catering For New Film

Loft Apartments Converted Back To Mayonnaise Factory

American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot

George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Its Own Grill

World Bank Forecloses On World Farm

JERSEY CITY, NJ—A family game of Clue this week confirmed area father Doug Neubaur’s belief that his three children would never suspect a ...

FARGO, ND—Nels Funderburke was observed to be in full compliance with local regulation I-4473 Monday when, as the last person to leave the state ...

CUCAMONGA, CA—The city's mayor hosted those of Walla Walla, Kalamazoo, and Flin Flon, Manitoba, in a closed-door session Monday to discuss media portrayal ...

$9.95 (-$.14) (+1.4%) Investors and travelers alike appear to be wary of this cruise-ship operator, which promises to show tourists the magical narrow ...

Terry Feldon is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Jostens Class-Ring Salesman, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

NEW YORK—Representatives from Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, the National Hockey League, and several other major sporting organizations ...

RHODES, GREECE—Ignoring critics’ calls for the aging golden retriever's retirement, basketball standout and multisport athlete Air "Bud" Buddy has signed a one-year contract ...

MONONGAHELA, FL—The Monongahela West Tarpon, a boy's prep baseball team that has surged to a two-game lead in the Frostproof conference with a...

NEW YORK—A 29-second video clip of Wizards rookie John Wall driving to the hoop for a layup against the Sixers has failed to achieve ...

MIAMI—Visiting Clippers forward Blake Griffin stunned spectators and opponents alike Sunday with a death-defying dunk executed by releasing the ball a full 20 feet ...

NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and looking helplessly at each other, baffled players on the 22-35 Milwaukee Bucks had no idea what to do with ...

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Despite college basketball analysts' frequent remarks that the team exhibits "great chemistry," the Texas A&M Aggies were edged out Wednesday night ...

MILWAUKEE—Despite ample evidence pointing to elevated levels of testosterone in Ryan Braun's urine, the mishandling of the Brewers slugger's sample means the ...

Today Now! welcomes Linda Johnston, the inspiring woman who made history by talking about herself continuously for over fifty hours.

In order to alleviate the shortage of two cancer drugs, Doxil and methotrexate, the FDA has loosened restrictions and will allow the drugs to be ...

If leaked documents prove to be authentic, the soon-to-be released iPad 3 will cost $70 to $80 more than the iPad 2.

A crippled cruise ship owned by the Carnival Corporation was towed to the Seychelles after a fire broke out in the engine room and knocked ...

Davy Jones, the British-born lead singer of the TV band the Monkees, died of a heart attack Wednesday.

Meth addicts demand the government address the nation's growing spider menace, K-Y introduces a new line of jam, and Prince Fielder reports to spring ...

Last week we forgot to include homoerotic undertones in our piece on high school wrestling. The Onion regrets the omission.

There was a misprint in last week's coded message to schizophrenics. The third letter on the sixth line of the second page was supposed ...

NBC 11:30 p.m. EST/10:30 p.m. CST If you are 34 years old, you can stop watching SNL now. Thank you ...

DISNEY 11 a.m. EDT/10 a.m. CDT If Carla tells her boyfriend, Bill, that she's actually an alien in this episode written ...

Fox 8:50 p.m. EST/7:50 p.m. CST A DVR malfunction leaves you wondering why that woman collapsed in the first place.

"For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living." - Jack ...

Gym Teacher Ensures Class Bouncing Whiffle Balls On A Parachute Is A Sport

With NASCAR's Most Exciting Race Over, NASCAR's Season Officially Begins

Shiesty Browns Management Signs D'Qwell Jackson To 42 Million Bollar Extension

And-1 Basketball Player's Amazing New Dribbling Move Still Traveling

An emotional Rick Santorum stepped up his anti-gay rhetoric this week, saying jerks like Philadelphia's Nicholas Wiseman should not be allowed to marry a ...