VATICAN CITY—Anonymous sources within the Vatican confirmed Tuesday that Pope Benedict XVI has dispatched a crack team of six highly skilled bishops to sabotage ...

WASHINGTON—Stating it is time to rethink how the nation lays a foundation for a better tomorrow, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday that all of ...

SAN FRANCISCO—According to industry sources, this news article is generating a veritable bonanza of highly lucrative advertising revenue by mere virtue of the fact ...

SAGINAW, MI—According to Franklin Middle School seventh-grader and closeted homosexual Ben McElroy, the highlight of his day is the 30 minutes between third and ...

SEATTLE—Going out to dinner with 41-year-old self-described gourmand David Loomis has become a massive, aggravating ordeal, exasperated friends confirmed Monday.

WASHINGTON—A Gallup poll released Tuesday suggests voters are highly resistant to electing a Mormon who is Mitt Romney as president of the United States.

NEW YORK—Saying that they didn't want to be responsible for unduly affecting the course of the Republican presidential primary, representatives of the media ...

LOS ANGELES—Citing the freedom of the form, the popularity of shows such as WTF With Marc Maron and The Joe Rogan Experience, and the ...

LOS ANGELES—Lauded by colleagues and readers alike for his lucid reportage, entertainment writer Paul Veist has an unparalleled knack for taking even the most ...

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Describing it as a harrowing ordeal that he "wouldn't wish on his worst enemy," badly shaken 39-year-old senior account manager Daniel ...

WASHINGTON—National Security Agency officials released a report this week detailing an exceedingly disappointing alien encounter that occurred in New Mexico nearly four decades ago.

Last week, North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests and uranium enrichment in exchange for food aid, possibly signaling a desire for renewed ...

Aries The sudden premature arrival of your baby can still be a cause for joy, despite the fact that you were completely unaware you were ...

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—While chatting up his really cute neighbor, Alan Sterns couldn’t help but wish his dog would stop shitting for five ...

NYSSA, OR—Look, all Doug Kerby is saying is, Pete Townshend's just pissing away good money by not letting Family Dollar or someone use ...

NACO, AZ—Bored Border Patrol agent Kevin Gothe tossed rocks over the fence and separated four rock families that had been in this country for ...

BLUEFIELD, WV—After missing it for 62 straight days, April Donchance finally hit the nearby yield sign at the bus stop with her apple core ...

$24.13 (-$0.17) (+0.7%) Really? The big-box retailer doesn't have any copies of Drive? Oh, man, that sucks— investors were really hoping ...

INDIANAPOLIS—The first day of the NFL's endorsement combine ended Friday with draftees performing for marketing scouts in workouts that included shoe-posing, pizza-enjoying, and ...

NEW YORK—Boasting that fans will now be able to see "every crossing of neutral ice and many of the faceoffs from every game," the ...

NEW YORK—With the NFL Draft approaching, pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training, and the NBA trade deadline drawing nearer, multiple sources are reporting ...

BROOKLYN, NY—Giants fan and Brooklyn resident Charles Somers, 34, can still remember exactly where he was on the early February day when the New ...

The annual combine can be a make-or-break event for potential NFL draft picks, and 2012 saw its share of standouts and washouts. 

A leaked document reveals details of the bishop team’s mission. Full Story.

Over months in captivity, kidnapping victim Kat Barr sent hundreds of emails to her MoveOn mailing list only to have them immediately deleted by the ...

A new study from the University of Pennsylvania concluded that sleep improves with age. What do you think?

The Lorax, the CGI adaptation of the classic Dr. Seuss book, opened No. 1 at the box office this weekend, bringing in more than $70 ...

An U.S. court of appeals ruled that Jared Loughner, who attempted to kill Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) last year, could continue to be medicated ...

A quadrupedal machine known as the Cheetah set a land-speed record for legged robots, running 18 mph on a treadmill in a U.S.

According to the Economic Policy Institute, female college graduates are making 7.6 percent less than they did 10 years ago, while their male counterparts ...

Dear The Onion, We're going to need a few more articles this week touting the economic benefits of fracking while playing down the neurotoxic ...

Dear The Onion, Can you wait until I'm dead to print this so it looks like I'm still writing letters from beyond the ...

When a community loses a teen in a drunk driving accident, it's Onion News Network reporter O'Brady Shaw who is most emotionally devastated.

The Vatican dispatches an elite team of bishops to sabotage contraceptive manufacturer Pfizer, an embarassing bounced check from Greece is taped up in the IMF ...

TLC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST A dress absolutely sweeps bride Jessica Gates off her feet, so she leaves her ...

NBC 9:30 p.m. EST/8:30 p.m. CST Producers kill off the baby character after they decide she just isn't working.

ABC 1:00 p.m. EST/12:00 p.m. CST Nancy Grace, Nancy Kerrigan, and Nancy Pelosi talk about how bad the environment's ...

HGTV 5:00 p.m. EST/4:00 p.m. CST Host Bryan Lowd leans against a shed in Tulsa, jumps on a floorboard in ...

"There is no use squandering any more of our valuable time and money on the myth that every child is capable of attaining success and ...

Report: We Could Do Away With Every Professional All-Star Game And Nobody Would Mind, Right?

Groans Abound As Tim Duncan Raises Hand Once Again At City Council Meeting

Phil Jackson Now Quietly, Smugly Winning Internet Comment Wars

Fiery Explosion From Daytona 500 Donated To NASCAR Hall Of Fame

8 Months In, Dany Heatley Still Unable To Bring Himself To Say Phrase 'I'm A Minnesota Wild'

Instead of downplaying his millionaire status, Mitt Romney is now wearing fur coats and gold chains.