IMPERIAL CITY, PLANET ZARKLOM 12—Frustrated by “the astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of their own kind” in Syria, the emperor ...

WASHINGTON—As night settled over the nation’s capital Wednesday and a bright, full moon hung amid the twinkling stars and cast long shadows over ...

TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a ...

NEW YORK—The website TVFighter announced Friday that its weekly recap of the show Fringe had received a record-high 25,000 hits from readers who ...

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Labor Department, some people evidently get up when it is still dark outside and, rather than ...

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, President Obama took a break from his national security briefing today in order to wait for just the right ...

WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain key wins in today's primaries, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has adopted a new strategy that targets the crucial people-who-vote ...

LAFAYETTE, LA—Saying his campaign has "really dodged a bullet so far," Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters today that, much to his relief ...

GREENSBORO, NC—Though local man Joshua Bishop secretly yearns to stop exposing his ample belly for friends, family, and coworkers to playfully smack, the 28-year-old ...

SEATTLE—A study released Thursday by the Pacific Parenting Institute found that owning a seriously cool leather jacket is significantly more fulfilling than raising a ...

BURBANK, CA—During a recording session earlier this week, technicians at ProSound Studios found they were able to obtain a perfectly lush, heady voice-over resonance ...

HENDERSON, TN—Despite 2011's seniors being the most awesome class ever to pass through the halls of Chester County High, staff and students told ...

WASHINGTON—According to a Zogby poll released this week, 96 percent of rock groups across the nation are currently in search of a slightly better ...

Juliette Gordon Low started the Girl Scouts of America in Savannah, GA on Mar. 12, 1912. Here are some highlights from the organization's century ...

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone ...

BETHESDA, MD—Laura Macmillan, 42, turned her floral-patterned couch cushions over to give the bottom flowers some light.

PRATTVILLE, AL—Five years on, and still no one’s noticed all the cook-off plaques hanging on the walls of Donny's BBQ read "Participant."

OXFORD, MS—Dr. Wendell Lake delivered newborn Joshua Hoffs and then told the baby they don't care for strangers 'round these parts.

DALLAS, TX—The scientists won't make Subject 17 a cyborg if he's going to whine about it.

$2.53 (+$0.08) (+3.3%) They’re still around. That alone is worth something.

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—While stressing that he loves his 6-month-old son Jordan "more than life itself" and that fatherhood is "a whole new world opening ...

LAS VEGAS—Despite pleas from their managers, handlers, and fans, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. and Manny Pacquiao are too consumed with anger toward each other to ...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—As the Hoosiers enter the NCAA Tournament for the first time in four years, many commentators are speculating that the 2012 Indiana men ...

NEW YORK—A study released Friday concerning the four suicide deaths of NFL kickers in recent months suggests the players all exhibited signs of post-timeout ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Terrance Earnhardt, youngest son of the late NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt, died Friday when the light-rail Muni Metro train he was riding ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—To the exasperation of his struggling team, the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats has been hanging around the locker room once again this ...

The NFL’s bounty investigation has triggered one of the biggest scandals in league history, and it’s no simple matter.

Newly minted SEC Coach of the Year John Calipari has led more schools to the No. 1 seed, and had more victories vacated from the ...

Socially inclusive hiphop group the Black Eyed Peas have added the wheelchair-bound rapper TruWheel to their line-up, plus more stories in the NewsBlitz.

According to a U.S. Department of Agriculture whistleblower, 70 percent of all ground beef sold in stores contains "pink slime," beef trimmings that have ...

A comprehensive analysis of LSD studies conducted in the 1960s and ’70s found that alcoholics were less likely to relapse if they took LSD under ...

The U.S. Department of Justice blocked a Texas law requiring voters to present a state-issued photo ID before casting a ballot, saying it unfairly ...

MRI scans of astronauts who have been on long space flights found evidence of intracranial hypertension, which could damage eyesight.

A study from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, OH reports that, while a child is hospitalized every six minutes with a stair-related injury, the ...

The top Onion stories of the week, now in picture-form.   

The First Responders debate the U.S. military's use of drone planes to rain fiery death upon Afghanistan from above.

Early this morning one of our deliverymen managed to run over not one but two dogs along Beacon Street.

Contrary to what was reported yesterday, there are no more free whole-fryer chickens just lying on the ground outside the loading dock at Ed's ...

HGTV 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST A large kitchen is remade into a shower retreat; a linen closet becomes a ...

Fox 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Leroy and Loretta make their hilarious debut in television’s first single-panel animated series.

ABC 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Can Andy juggle the responsibilities of single fatherhood with his dreams of making it ...

Move Right Into A Piece Of Small-Screen History! Available immediately, the Anderson, IN home where Teen Mom star Amber Portwood conceived her path to television ...

We're talking $1,310 a month for the next 30 years of your life—that's until 2042 and doesn't even begin to ...

It's a joyous GOOMF as Doc and Kenny revel in the pain of the NCAA Tournament’s losers, the idiotic Redskins, and the ailing ...

Panthers Admit To Paying Bounties To Anyone Who Could Make A Tackle

Wes Welker Signs 2-Foot Extension With Patriots

Lone 'Flash Lin The Pan' Headline Scrolls Pitifully Across Bottom Of ESPN.com

Rory McIlroy: 'If I Am The Most Exciting Thing That Could Happen In Golf, You Should Probably Stop Watching'

Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana's unique primary process, in which the state's delegates are awarded to the winner of ...