MATTOON, IL—Ending the firestorm of controversy that erupted after he made a highly critical comment about the United States, 43-year-old hardware store employee Keith ...

WASHINGTON—According to a Gallup poll released Thursday, a majority of Americans believe the best and most satisfying aspect of the entire 2012 presidential primary ...

PHOENIX—Persons close to Jake Parmentier and Mike Seifkes told reporters Saturday that despite being full-grown adults with jobs and families, the two longtime friends ...

ROCHESTER, NY—Premium eyewear manufacturer Ray-Ban confirmed Monday it has "some very real doubts" about whether its summer 2012 line of sunglasses is something American ...

WASHINGTON—Though it's a really lousy thing to have to read about in the newspaper, preliminary reports released Monday indicate that your dog died ...

WASHINGTON—Following the alleged murder of 16 Afghan civilians by Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales, the U.S.

CHICAGO—A study published this week in the journal Pediatrics found that, within seconds of their birth, babies have the ability to sense whether their ...

LOS ANGELES—Adult film fans have praised the newly released Batter Splatter 9, calling the 43-minute pornographic DVD accessible even to people who aren't ...

SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he ...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Due to budgetary constraints, the State of Rhode Island was forced to shutter a number of its aviary facilities Sunday, resulting in hundreds ...

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his ...

MONTEZUMA, NY—Cold drove John McIrons into a Salvation Army to buy the next coat he will donate to Goodwill.

CELINA, OH—Though it cut into time for barking out the window, Dewey the dog was glad he spent 45 minutes savoring a delicious new ...

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Don and Nancy Gruber had a new dishwasher installed, and the guy who put it in stayed for lunch.

BOSTON, MA—The remains of a dead mouse were given a quick blast of Windex before being thrown out.

$10.98 (+$0.38) (+3.6%) Delta's stock rose after its website began letting users search by which flights were going to crash.

BRISTOL, CT—Citing the increasingly frenetic pace at which SportsCenter anchors and correspondents are forced to report the same shallow feature items, gushing personality profiles ...

MIAMI—Immediately following his eight-hour meeting Wednesday with the owners and coaches of the Tennessee Titans, star free-agent quarterback Peyton Manning initiated talks with the ...

PALO ALTO, CA—New research released Thursday by Stanford University biologists indicates that in a single generation, human beings have evolved to the point where ...

NEW YORK—In a statement late Friday expressing its heartfelt relief at the passing of what it said was "really not a big deal after ...

NEW YORK—Despite revenue, attendance figures, and viewing statistics showing it continues to lag behind as the least popular major sports league in the country ...

WASHINGTON—Mere days after sending the St. Louis Rams three first-round picks and a second-round selection in exchange for the second pick of the 2012 ...

MIAMI—Quarterback Alex Smith’s meeting with the Miami Dolphins on Sunday was unproductive, sources confirmed, because team executives were on the verge of tears ...

In the modern world we are constantly exposed to new ideas, concepts and cultures and we are expected to experience them without preconceived notions, which ...

The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available. 

Joad says he can't be blamed for Rep. Cummings being dragged through a briar patch just because he called for the congressman to be ...

By paying a one-time fee of $100 and attending a brief interview with a customs officer, flyers can bypass the regular airport security lines and ...

A multi-agency survey of corruption in the U.S. gave a grade of “F” to eight states, including South and North Dakota, Maine, and Virginia.

According to documents filed with the Federal Aviation Administration, Delta Airlines accounted for 19 of the 35 flying-related pet deaths in 2011.

To protest government officials involvement last year in the blessing of a county road, an atheist group in Lakeland, FL "washed away" the blessing this ...

In 2011, Wendy's overtook Burger King to become the No. 2 fast food hamburger chain in the United States.

Pundits are declaring that Mitt Romney's decisive victory in Illinois yesterday is a good indicator that he'll win the nomination.

Though electroconvulsive therapy has been in use since the 1930s, a paper published in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences described for ...

A U.S. Marine sergeant who started a Facebook page called Armed Forces Tea Party may be dismissed from the corps for violating Pentagon directives ...

The Hunger Games, the hotly anticipated film adaptation of the young adult novel in which teens have to fight to the death, opens today.

According to the coroner who conducted the autopsy on singer Whitney Houston, cocaine was a factor in her drowning death.

Dear The Onion, I find your insistence on correctly ordering your pages insulting. I could still read it, no matter how silly you got with ...

To The Editor: Enclosed is a copy of my song "Let's Get A Looky-Loo At Your How-Do-You-Do!" You know a bunch of people, so ...

An alien world agrees to help Syria since this world refuses to, the sale of BET to a white supremacist group results in no changes ...

A study finds that newborn infants can tell if their parents are losers, all 6.5 million residents of Indiana join together to form a ...

Discovery 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Survivorbot, the survival robot, attempts to survive for one week in the Kalahari Desert ...

CBS 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST This week, Gina saves half the chicken she had for dinner and cuts it ...

HBO 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Life at the track is turned upside down when one of the jockeys discovers ...

Spring break marked the death of First Semester Shelby Dicks and the birth of Second Semester Shelby Diques.

Jimmy Oblain, 82, died quietly last night in his sleep, in the middle of a fucking terrifying nightmare.

Unwilling to go down without a fight, Honkers the Canada Goose took 37 people with him after getting sucked into an Airbus A319 engine.

"If it's only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound emotional problems back into a ...

Doc and Kenny answer "fan mail" about terrible receivers in Denver, confusing NCAA-upset sex, and Bryce Harper's dickishness.

South Dakota State Confesses They Were Excited About Tournament When They Heard Seeds Were Involved

Recent 6-Game Losing Streak Shows Jeremy Lin Finally Starting To Mesh With Knicks

Broncos' Manning Strategy Session Mostly Just Fantasizing About Accidents That Could Happen To Tim Tebow

Tiger Woods Withdraws After Course Doctor Has No Experience Treating Injured Golfer

Utah Jazz Fans Planning To All Wear Same Skin Color To Game

Peyton Manning Re-Injures Neck Saying No To Titans

Sean Payton Accepts Punishment, Says In No Way Does He Condone Injuring Goodell For $500,000