The Week In Pictures

Top Headlines

Issue 4812


HBO 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Life at the track is turned upside down when one of the jockeys discovers the horses can talk.

That's So Gina!

CBS 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST This week, Gina saves half the chicken she had for dinner and cuts it up for a salad she'll have for lunch tomorrow. That's so her.

Anthony Davis

Kentucky's shot-blocking frosh sensation has been unselfish, versatile, and seemingly everywhere on the floor during the NCAA Tournament.

Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan

A study finds that newborn infants can tell if their parents are losers, all 6.5 million residents of Indiana join together to form a collective consciousness, and Ray Ban is unsure the public can pull off its 2012 series of sunglasses.

Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he had finally gotten his horrible creative juices flowing.


Discovery 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Survivorbot, the survival robot, attempts to survive for one week in the Kalahari Desert with no food or water.


"If it's only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound emotional problems back into a war zone." - Army Staff Sgt.

Your Dog Died

Sorry You Had To Learn About It Like This, Buddy

WASHINGTON—Though it's a really lousy thing to have to read about in the newspaper, preliminary reports released Monday indicate that your dog died this weekend while you were out of town, and that they're really sorry you had to find out about it l...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...

Keeping an Open Mind

In the modern world we are constantly exposed to new ideas, concepts and cultures and we are expected to experience them without preconceived notions, which can be difficult for some.

Residents Of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness

'We Are Indiana,' New Hive Mind Announces

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources have confirmed that at approximately 10:30 a.m. today all 6.5 million residents of Indiana spontaneously exited their homes and places of business, formed thousands of perfectly uniform rows, and appeared to join together in a c...

NFL: Thank God That Bounty Thing Is Over And All Fixed Now

NEW YORK—In a statement late Friday expressing its heartfelt relief at the passing of what it said was "really not a big deal after all, it turns out," the National Football League thanked God that the issue of defensive players being paid...


Perhaps the most distinctive mascot in college basketball, Otto the Orange will doubtless give No. 1 seed Syracuse his full support through the tournament.

Notable NFL Free Agents

The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available. 
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: