MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies ...

ARLINGTON, VA—Reportedly fed up with complicated and protracted operations overseas, top Pentagon officials acknowledged this week they were desperate to be given just one ...

WASHINGTON—Having arrived in the nation's capital by the wheelchair-accessible-busload, tens of thousands of quadriplegics from across the United States immobilized on the National ...

WASHINGTON—Associate Justice Antonin Scalia struggled to recall the names of all nine active Supreme Court justices while playing a trivia game Thursday, sources confirmed.

WASHINGTON—As the Supreme Court hears oral arguments today on President Obama's health care reform law, plaintiffs aiming to strike down the legislation are ...

CARBONDALE, IL—Citing the fact that he's now able to make the minimum payment on his credit cards each month and is back in ...

DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to enhance its social media presence, Walgreens pharmacies announced Wednesday the launch of "RxSocial," a new Facebook plugin that enables ...

WASHINGTON—Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Local father Ken Hosmer voiced his disapproval Sunday concerning the frequency with which cable television channels air the 1984 film The Natural.

SEATTLE—According to a University of Washington report published Friday, more than two-thirds of major lifestyle reassessments take place after exiting a Buffalo Wild Wings ...

COLUMBUS, OH—With the Sunday afternoon departure of friends visiting from Chicago for the weekend, the apartment of Gary and Felicia Mylan ceased being a ...

Recently, the most downloaded episode of This American Life—featuring Mike Daisey's monologue The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Steve Jobs—and a viral ...

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone ...

BOSCOBEL, WI—Returning from a three-year stint in Afghanistan, Army Spc. Corey Schuh told reporters Wednesday he could not believe the WRBX AM "ZooCroo Featuring ...

JACKSON, MS—Hardware store manager Gil Essex shuddered to think what would happen if it weren’t for his "no shirt, no shoes, no service ...

HOUSTON, TX—Wouldn't you know it? Just as Mike Sanner got to the head of the lengthy emergency room queue, a guy with a ...

$47.05 (+$0.61) (+1.3%) If this is the kind of thing that gets your juices flowing, hey, who is Stockwatch to judge?

FORT MYERS, FL—A run-of-the-mill medium-speed ground ball has been hit right up the middle in such textbook fashion that it is nearly impossible for ...

NEW YORK—Confusion, disgust, and terror were among the emotions new Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reported feeling after a 20-minute phone call with New York ...

ATLANTA—In a press conference today regarding the Wildcats' Sweet 16 matchup, Kentucky coach John Calipari revealed to reporters he does not plan to switch ...

ATLANTA—In a special segment of Tuesday's edition of NBA Live dedicated to the NCAA Sweet 16, analyst Charles Barkley praised the "hunger, appetite ...

LAFAYETTE, IN—Coach Brian Janssen, whose scrappy but undersized Wildcats are trailing their heavily favored crosstown rivals 45-47 with eight seconds left in their big ...

NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Monday that the 2012 player draft, originally scheduled to begin April 26, may have to be rescheduled or ...

Sidney Crosby's back and doing very well indeed since a concussion forced him to sit out a year of hockey. We look at how ...

Full Story.

Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras.

A study published in Science Translational Medicine found that an abundance of a protein called prostaglandin D2 was responsible for male-pattern baldness.

The U.S. Supreme Court has begun three days of hearings on the constitutionality of the Obama health care plan.

The United States paid out $50,000 for every person killed and $11,000 for every person wounded in a Mar.

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is charging supporters $50 to pose for a photo with him.

Though the number of people graduating from college in the United States every year is increasing, it is still not enough to keep pace with ...

After last year’s scandal involving 20 Long Island students, SAT and ACT test takers will now face increased security measures.

In a memo recently made public, the National Organization for Marriage suggested it would benefit the group's antigay marriage agenda to drive a wedge ...

In a surveillance video of assailant George Zimmerman from the night of the Trayvon Martin shooting, Zimmerman does not appear to be bloody or injured ...

After a Twitter user posted the wrong address for Treyvon Martin’s killer, filmmaker Spike Lee unwittingly retweeted the error, which led to an elderly ...

The multistate Mega Millions lottery jackpot has reached $640 million and become the largest prize of its kind in U.S. history. What do you ...

Female voters can't help fawning over sexist GOP candidates, a homesick kid on a sleepover just needs to tough it the fuck out, and ...

The Onion would like to apologize for erroneously stating that the Fillmore High School marching band car-wash fundraiser will be held Sunday from 1 p ...

The solution to last week's brainteaser contained a mistake. The correct answer is five swastikas. The Onion regrets the error.

ABC Family 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Having decided they weren't assaulting their friends and acquaintances enough with pictures ...

Disney 1:00 p.m. EST/12:00 p.m. CST Sunny, who was honestly born in the late ’90s, needs Raini, who doesn’t ...

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST No one on the B48 to Greenpoint knows the capital of Indonesia.

Food 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST Years of devastation come to an end as mediators negotiate a treaty between Melinda ...

Tim Tebow has fallen into sin, Tiger Woods is adequate again, and the Mets are questionable for opening day, but Doc Brooks and Kenny Kennedy ...

Joe Lunardi Enters Day 10 Of Continuous, Month-Long Orgasm

Mike Krzyzewski Signs Deal With CBS To Provide Analysis For Rest Of Tournament About Duke

Sportswriter Urges Son To Write Entire School Essay Using One-Sentence Paragraphs

Ultraconvenient ESPN.com Feature Plays Videos Before You Even Visit Website

Kentucky Celebrates Regional Win By Cutting Down Anthony Davis' Unibrow

Seeking to dispel accusations of flip-flopping, Romney unveiled plans to use a time machine to kill earlier versions of himself who believed in universal health ...