OAK BROOK, IL—The McDonald's Corporation announced Tuesday that it will close 175 restaurants and cut nearly 600 corporate jobs, responding to a plunge ...

GAINESVILLE, FL—Despite theories that dolphins are excellent communicators, they responded to questions on land with only labored wheezing and shrill, distressed screams.

NEW YORK—"Tremble before the might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives," said Ban Ki-moon, clutching a stack of diplomatic resolutions.

EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—According to city officials, the newly opened Wynn-Johnson Plasticorp factory should bring more than 250 jobs and 170 cancer cases to ...

SAN ANTONIO, TX–A palpable sense of relief came over passengers on the westbound D-line bus Monday when someone else struck up a conversation with ...

BROKOPONDO, SURINAME—Aspiring author Nikklis Doekhie said Monday that he continues in his struggle to write the Great Surinamese Novel. "I want this book to ...

FREEHOLD, NJ—Patrons at Dotty's Donuts on Cranston Avenue agree that the mission statement posted near the shop's entrance seems overly ambitious. "It ...

HYANNIS, NE—Because his mother died of cancer on Jan. 8, Jon Brendemuehl, 11, got to choose the pizza topping during a bowling outing with ...

COLUMBUS, MO—Though area graphic designer Derek Sills says he plays devil's advocate to help his friends better understand opinions...

CHICAGO—Despite having just completed a brief, wholly satisfactory down-tempo song-and-dance number followed by a brief pause that led many to believe he had completed ...

DEERFIELD, MA—Deerfield Academy first-year Foster R. Poole III told reporters Monday that he had received yet another Wet William from a...

SANFORD, FL—Amidst the controversy surrounding the recent shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, the Sanford Police Department cautioned Florida residents Tuesday against taking the ...

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference on behalf of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul told the American public how deeply sorry the ...

WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which ...

BEIJING—Following an independent audit that uncovered major labor violations in Chinese factories responsible for producing iPhones, iPads, and numerous other Apple products, electronics manufacturer ...

With the scarcity of drinkable water becoming a major issue on the horizon, cities across the United States are trying to find new sources of ...

AUSTIN, TX—Coworkers Stacey Diller and Catherine Chase went out to dinner last night, ate an expensive meal, drank several glasses of wine, and then ...

SAN ANDREAS, CA—A local store specializing in fine china and delicate shelving was, for the 18th time this year, forced to re-order its entire ...

DULUTH, MN—Residents are calling it a "mild winter," with less than five people going insane and only eight suicides in the past four months.

OXFORD, OH—After 12 years, area woman Helen Bonners finally got what the Salt-N-Pepa song “Push It” was about.

$13.51 (+.88) (+7.0%) Shares rose this week when the Pittsburgh-based company discovered after going through some old papers that it was a global ...

The stage directions from Tennessee Williams' Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask The stage directions to ...

BRISTOL, CT—Mrs. Vitale would not confirm rumors that ESPN analyst Digger Phelps sometimes participates while dressed as Wake Forest's "Demon Deacon" mascot.

NEW ORLEANS—An intensive monthlong investigation conducted by the color commentators, play-by-play announcers, studio analysts, sideline reporters, and other personnel tasked with televising the 2012 ...

TAMPA, FL—After reviewing details of the Mar. 22 accident in which Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain suffered a dislocated ankle while playing with his 5-year-old ...

MOUNT KISCO, NY—Bert Sugar, the prolific and colorful boxing writer whose smart-aleck yet genuine enthusiasm for boxing allowed him to straddle the line between ...

NEW YORK—Despite an obvious display of enthusiasm for Tim Tebow's arrival at his introductory press conference Monday, the New York Jets admitted this ...

MIAMI—Speaking with reporters while putting the finishing touches on Miami's new stadium Saturday, construction workers at Marlins Park admitted they had no idea ...

NEW ORLEANS—After the usual exciting upsets, Cinderella stories, and unlikely triumphs that make up the NCAA men's college basketball tournament every March, No.

OAKLAND, CA—In an apparent attempt to keep himself relevant this season after a year off and a 50-game suspension to come, Manny Ramirez told ...

Following his team's involvement in a bounty program, Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for a year, one of the most daunting punishments ...

After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years. Is ...

Cross Examination host Shelby Cross shows women how to physically defeat their self-defense instructors.

On Today Now!, financial-planning expert Madeline Carden discusses how to plan for the death of a spouse, which won't happen for years and years ...

Authorities in Philadelphia arrested a 29-year-old man trying to board a flight to San Francisco with commercial-grade M-80s and a bottle of flash powder.

A Pakistani court sentenced Osama bin Laden's three widows and two daughters to 45 days of house detention for living illegally in Pakistan.

Abake Assongba, a New York woman who with her husband contributed $50,000 to the Obama campaign, is accused of defrauding people out of more ...

Massachusetts-based company Terrafugia Inc. announced it has completed a test flight of its flying car prototype and will be displaying it at the New York ...

Due in part to GOP-backed policies limiting birth-control access, President Barack Obama has an 18-point lead against any Republican opponent among women in swing states.

Following a prayer breakfast this morning, President Obama signed into law a bill prohibiting members of Congress and other federal employees from insider trading.

A new study published in the American Sociological Review found today’s conservatives have less trust in science than the conservatives of the mid-1970s.

FBI agents moved to impound a statue from the auction house Sotheby's after Cambodian officials claimed it was looted from an ancient Khmer temple.

Internet giant Yahoo! announced it would lay off 2,000 workers in order to save $375 million annually.

The U.S. Coast Guard used cannon fire to sink the 164-foot Ryou-Un Maru, a Japanese "ghost ship" set adrift by the tsunami last year.

Esther Hatcher ate an entire box of her roommate’s cookies and replaced them after her roommate noticed and got mad.

Gerald Carnes whipped out his jumper cables and started the car of Jennifer Barrett while reassuring her that it was okay, women do stupid things ...

Phil Grayson celebrated 15 years of manning the old glory hole in the South Royalton Rest Area men’s room.

Last week's issue of The Onion was published without a lengthy anti-Irish polemic. The Onion regrets the error.

Given history's mostly favorable judgment of Abraham Lincoln, The Onion would like to rescind its 1864 endorsement 

BRAVO 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Constrained by her limited pool of clients, matchmaker Patti Stanger has no choice but to set ...

NBC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT From the makers of Lost, The Wire, Friday Night Lights, Kenan And Kel, Freaks And Geeks ...

FOOD 11:30 p.m. EDT/10:30 p.m. CDT Recognizing that no one else is going to do it, an exasperated yet resigned ...

CBS 11:35 p.m. EDT/10:35 CDT p.m. Capitalizing on recent ratings success, Dave disarmingly discloses that he has been trafficking heroin ...

FOX 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT A man overcooks his chicken, a woman can't get her car to start, and a ...

"In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines." - Dr.

Doc and Kenny catch a case of bullet-breath as they pull the trigger on Stephen Strasburg’s Opening Day ceremony, Kentucky’s draft prospects, and ...

Superstitious Rick Pitino Admits He Has Gone All Month Without Changing His Hair Grease

Kobe Bryant Develops Bed Sores After 5 Minutes On Bench

Buster Posey Wearing Swim Trunks In Giants Shower

Cowboys, Redskins Penalized An Additional $10 Million In Cap Space For Whatever Owners Are Planning To Do To Get Around The Cap

Nation Not Bothering Making 'Linjury' Puns