Issue 4814

Phil Grayson

Phil Grayson celebrated 15 years of manning the old glory hole in the South Royalton Rest Area men’s room.

Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference on behalf of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul told the American public how deeply sorry the GOP frontrunner was to have missed the nation's piano recital Saturday.


"In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines." - Dr.

Gerald Carnes

Gerald Carnes whipped out his jumper cables and started the car of Jennifer Barrett while reassuring her that it was okay, women do stupid things like leaving their lights on all the time.

Esther Hatcher

Esther Hatcher ate an entire box of her roommate’s cookies and replaced them after her roommate noticed and got mad.

Honus Wagner Baseball Card

An ultrarare Honus Wagner baseball card, supposedly among the finest examples of the 60 believed to exist, is expected to bring $1.5 million at auction this month.

Notable Suspensions In Sports

Following his team's involvement in a bounty program, Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for a year, one of the most daunting punishments in modern sports.

Stephen Strasburg

After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years. Is he any good?

People Doing Things Poorly

FOX 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT A man overcooks his chicken, a woman can't get her car to start, and a married couple argues about money.

Late Show With David Letterman

CBS 11:35 p.m. EDT/10:35 CDT p.m. Capitalizing on recent ratings success, Dave disarmingly discloses that he has been trafficking heroin through the Ed Sullivan Theater.

The Dishes

FOOD 11:30 p.m. EDT/10:30 p.m. CDT Recognizing that no one else is going to do it, an exasperated yet resigned Ina Garten once again does the entire network's dirty dishes, alternately sighing and muttering to herself about how nobody will even notice...

New Television Show

NBC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT From the makers of Lost, The Wire, Friday Night Lights, Kenan And Kel, Freaks And Geeks, Mad About You, The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin, The Michael Richards Show, Joey...

The Billionaire Matchmaker

BRAVO 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Constrained by her limited pool of clients, matchmaker Patti Stanger has no choice but to set Mark Cuban up with T. Boone Pickens.

U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon

NEW YORK—"Tremble before the might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives," said Ban Ki-moon, clutching a stack of diplomatic resolutions.

Singing, Dancing Man Just Getting Started

CHICAGO—Despite having just completed a brief, wholly satisfactory down-tempo song-and-dance number followed by a brief pause that led many to believe he had completed all singing and dancing...

Drinkable Water For America's Cities

With the scarcity of drinkable water becoming a major issue on the horizon, cities across the United States are trying to find new sources of water or new ways to conserve water. 

Donut Shop's Mission Statement Awfully Ambitious

FREEHOLD, NJ—Patrons at Dotty's Donuts on Cranston Avenue agree that the mission statement posted near the shop's entrance seems overly ambitious. "It said, 'At Dotty's, our goal is to reinvent the morning.'" 

McDonald's Stock Slides As More Consumers Turn To Food

OAK BROOK, IL—The McDonald's Corporation announced Tuesday that it will close 175 restaurants and cut nearly 600 corporate jobs, responding to a plunge in stock prices blamed on a depressed economy and rising consumer interest in actual food.
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Planning A Spouse's Funeral Even Though They'll Probably Never Ever Die

On Today Now!, financial-planning expert Madeline Carden discusses how to plan for the death of a spouse, which won't happen for years and years and years, if ever.


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