The Week In Pictures

Top Headlines

Issue 4815

April 17

Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m.

Glass Ceiling Business

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business." - Peter "Buck" McGowan, chief of the worldwide initiative for women's rights

April 15

The Belleville Library would like to announce that the guy with the red backpack who's been hanging around the periodicals section will not be there on Monday of next week because he has a job interview.

Three Dead Kids

"For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards come along and somehow find a way to get themselves killed." - Wizco president Alvin Cassidy

Ryan Leaf Somehow Worse At Crime Than Football

HELENA, MT—Criminal and football analysts announced Monday that, in light of his second arrest for felony burglary in just four days, former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf is now officially performing even worse as a criminal than he did as a disastrous ...

Tuition In Tough Times

With the economic downturn hitting scholarship funds, how are students paying for college? Critiquing Foucault's...

Major League Baseball

FOX 1 p.m. EDT/12 p.m. CDT Tune in to see what secrets are revealed as baseball begins its thrilling final season.

I'd Hit That

SPIKE 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT From their bench in front of the Westfield Mall food court, 15-year-olds Mark Obst and Ted Baron judge whether or not they would do each and every female passing through their line of vision.

It's Good, Hutchins, But Is It Delta In-Flight Magazine Good?

I won't mince words with you, Hutchins. Your "St. Louis: Red, White & Blues!" article is good. Damn good. I'm reminded of a young me so many years ago, pecking out an inspired look at Scotland's 10 best golf courses. Yes, I know your article would more than pass muster at most magazines. But this isn't most magazines. This is Delta Sky, the best in-flight magazine there is. So the question remains: Your article is good, but is it Delta Sky good?

Unpopular Student Ridiculed Mercilessly In Teacher's Lounge

KNOXVILLE, TN–Doug Durbin, an overweight, unpopular seventh-grader at Lakeview Middle School, was mercilessly mocked Tuesday by faculty members in the teachers' lounge. "None of the kids want to sit near Doug Durbin in class because he sweats so bad and has pit stains on all his shirts," math teacher Ron Grady told a group of his colleagues. "Isn't that so disgusting?" Added science teacher Andrew Klass: "I feel so bad for Coach [Bernie] Nichols. He has to actually watch Doug run around in shorts twice a week in gym class. Bernie told me that last week, Doug cried when he got hit in the stomach during dodgeball. What a loser."
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: