CHICAGO—Economists couldn't decide whether Chicago's Fullerton Avenue branch, where more than half the fluorescent lights are flickering, has been affected.

KNOXVILLE, TN–Doug Durbin, an overweight, unpopular seventh-grader at Lakeview Middle School, was mercilessly mocked Tuesday by faculty members in the teachers' lounge. "None of ...

HAGERSTOWN, MD–During a conversation at work last Friday, drill-press operator Pete Cromartie revealed a disturbing familiarity with various states' age-of-consent laws. 

SWAINSBORO, GA—Buford Anderson, a member of the Swainsboro chapter of the Ku Klux Klan, struggled to find a way to blame blacks for his ...

DETROIT—Following the failure of the pizza chain's TV advertisements and coupon flier promotions, the Little Caesars corporate office...

BOSTON—Members of the world's engineering and telecommunications communities admitted Tuesday that fiber optics, the supposed technological...

NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation's sorry...

RALEIGH, NC—Following Rick Santorum's announcement Tuesday that he would end his bid for the Republican presidential nomination, candidate Newt Gingrich called upon frontrunner ...

WASHINGTON—Though most observers believed Mitt Romney had the 2012 Republican presidential nomination wrapped up, the 2016 campaign of New Jersey governor Chris Christie came ...

With the economic downturn hitting scholarship funds, how are students paying for college? Critiquing Foucault's...

DALLAS, TX—Sue McComand comforted her embarrassed friend by assuring her that no one noticed her falling down the nine flights of stairs.

ELKHART, IN—Gabe Testa, 33, is still deciding whether to tell his coworkers about the delicious mix of four different breakfast cereals he invented or ...

TOPEKA, KS—Instead of applying makeup this morning, sophomore Karen Hedley is just going to look really mean all day.

LONG BEACH, CA—Craig Schneider managed to smoke an entire cigarette during a brief malfunction of the "No Smoking" sign on JetBlue Flight 74 to ...

$47.05 (-.61) (-1.3%) The company's value plummeted after the unveiling of a newly retooled disguise featuring no mustache, an average-sized nose, and ...

HELENA, MT—Criminal and football analysts announced Monday that, in light of his second arrest for felony burglary in just four days, former NFL quarterback ...

NASHVILLE, TN—A rousing T-shirt cannon party at Nashville’s Bridgestone Arena was repeatedly marred by men coming out to play hockey Thursday, despite jeers ...

LEXINGTON, KY—As part of an investigation into possible rules violations, NCAA officials visited Kentucky's basketball facility following its championship win this week, but ...

NEW YORK—The NFL announced Monday that its owners have voted to change the league's regular-season overtime rules, which now stipulate that games will ...

Hockey's second season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, is upon us, and Onion Sports breaks down the top contenders. 

Pope Benedict XVI spoke out against a group of priests that has called for ordaining women and ending celibacy for the clergy.

A study of 1,000 children in California found that mothers who suffered from obesity, diabetes, or hypertension had a greater chance of giving birth ...

A 10-year-old girl in Colombia gave birth to a healthy 5-pound boy, making her one of the youngest mothers on record.

After writing down deferred tax credits, the Sony Corporation reported an annual net loss of $6.4 billion, double its initial projections and marking the ...

In advance of its initial public offering, Facebook has purchased the two-year-old photo-sharing website Instagram.

In the face of a family health crisis and growing resistance from Republican Party leaders, Rick Santorum suspended his presidential campaign.

The White House warned North Korea that if it went ahead with a planned long-range missile test, the United States would withhold food aid from ...

Six and a half weeks after the incident, George Zimmerman was arrested and charged with second-degree murder in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin.

Dear The Onion, Due to my increased work schedule, I will no longer have time to write in as much. Accordingly, please publish fewer stories ...

After an earthquake renders hundreds of dogs homeless, reporter O'Brady Shaw pledges to put down every last animal himself.

SPIKE 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT From their bench in front of the Westfield Mall food court, 15-year-olds Mark Obst and Ted ...

FOX 1 p.m. EDT/12 p.m. CDT Tune in to see what secrets are revealed as baseball begins its thrilling final season.

AMC 6:00 p.m. EST/5:00 p.m. CST Using his new graphite slingshot, a 32-year-old Dennis shoots pebbles at Mr. Wilson's ...

The Belleville Library would like to announce that the guy with the red backpack who's been hanging around the periodicals section will not be ...

Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m.

"For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards come along and somehow find a way to ...

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business." - Peter "Buck ...

Orioles Just Going To Stick Around Florida For A Few More Weeks To Work On Some Stuff

Showboating Peanut Vendor Making It All About Him

Pallbearers Bring Jamie Moyer To Mound For First Rockies Start

Promising 9-Pound Bass To Turn Pro

Ozzie Guillen Assures Miami Fans That He Thinks Fidel Castro Is A ‘Total Fag’

Nation Asks Head Coaches To Just Sit Tight And Try Not To Do Anything Terrible For A While

Naked Kevin Youkilis Trying To Convince Teammates He's Attempting Break Out Of A Slump

Bankrupt Warren Sapp Asks Buccaneers If He Can Live In Pirate Ship

NFL Not Planning On Drafting Anybody This Year

Flyers Neutralize Sidney Crosby With Pregame Light Show

While most Democrats plan to vote for Obama in November, they continue to tell pollsters they're "undecided" just for the fun of messing with ...