COLUMBUS, OH—Sources close to local resident Justin Krypel admitted to reporters this week that while the 34-year-old account executive was "basically a good guy ...

CHICAGO—After coming to terms with the limited scope of what he can realistically expect to accomplish as president, Barack Obama announced Wednesday a new ...

NEW YORK—In a bold move that has become the talk of the fashion world, morbidly depressed designer Ralph Lauren has unveiled a wrinkled dress ...

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man ...

LITTLETON, MA—Staring over a month-old press release announcing the opening of a new Supercenter, senior executives at Wal-Mart said they were a little freaked ...

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Fuck, according to sources, there's this guy on the bus who is belligerent and obviously drunk and your friend just decided to ...

BELLEVUE, NE—Having just put in another double shift at work, 41-year-old utility worker Charlie Bellows reported Tuesday that he would like nothing more than ...

HOUSTON—President George H.W. Bush realized Tuesday it had been several years since he had seen any members of the Secret Service detail that ...

WASHINGTON—Confirming years of speculation, a new study from the U.S. Department of Agriculture's National Animal Health Monitoring System has found that red ...

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a Gallup poll conducted last month, support for the U.S.

Last week marked the centennial of the historic sinking of the Titanic on its maiden voyage from Southampton, England, to New York. Here's how ...

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as ...

BATH, NH—Todd Gallagher, 18, looked out over the sweeping valley of unbroken trees and vowed to get out of this hickshit town.

BOSTON, MA—Father David of Saint Joseph's was grateful FTD Flowers sent him an e-mail reminder that Easter was coming up.

BURLINGTON, VT—A family of ducklings crossed Patterson Lane in single file to reach a sleeping homeless man whose pockets were full of Cheetos.

AURORA, IL—First-time flasher Bill Donahue, 46, is definitely going to make sure he's erect next time.

$73.47 (+.81) (+1.1%) Profits are up for the company's sports drink, Powerade, because part of the bottle is made of plants and ...

NEW YORK—After losing their first three games and needing extra innings to beat the lowly Baltimore Orioles, the 3-3 New York Yankees addressed the ...

TORONTO—Despite losing their home matchup against Philadelphia 75-93 Wednesday, the Toronto Raptors told reporters later they had an easy path to a victory, but ...

With the regular season either finally underway or almost over, the playoffs beginning, and preparations for the draft about to wrap up, every individual associated ...

ORLANDO, FL—Following another tough loss for the Magic Tuesday, Dwight Howard informed reporters he is very unhappy playing in the Milky Way, the galaxy ...

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Saying he finds the defensive positioning that has been standard in baseball for well over 100 years "staid" and "primitive," Rays manager ...

As quality of life improves around the world, the rate of dementia is on track to triple within the next 40 years, creating a financial ...

Newark, NJ mayor Cory Booker was treated for smoke inhalation and second-degree burns after rescuing his elderly neighbor from a burning house.

The California Supreme Court ruled that employers were under no obligation to ensure workers take their legally mandated lunch breaks.

A Pew research report reveals that one in five adults in the United States don't use the Internet. What do you think?

Fearing the spread of drug-resistant bacteria, the Food and Drug Administration has asked pharmaceutical companies to stop dispensing antibiotics to livestock without a prescription.

On its final flight, the Space Shuttle Discovery left Florida for Washington, where it will be part of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.

Retail sales in the United States rose 0.8 percent in March, thanks in part to warmer weather and an improved economy.

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced he was being treated for prostate cancer, stirring speculation over who his successor at Berkshire Hathaway would be.

The General Services Administration, a relatively obscure federal government office, is under congressional scrutiny for spending more than $800,000 at a Las Vegas conference ...

Former American Bandstand host and television producer Dick Clark died yesterday at 82. What do you think?

Anders Behring Breivik, whose racially motivated killing spree left 77 dead in Norway, told an Oslo court he would prefer execution to the “pathetic” 21-year ...

In order to deter an annual marijuana legalization rally, officials at the University of Colorado–Boulder closed the campus to visitors and applied an odorous ...

Dear The Onion, I totally got what you guys were saying about each of us having to buck up and be responsible. Thanks. Dave Turner ...

Dear The Onion, I recently stumbled across some documents at work that your readers might find enlightening. Let me know if you’d like to ...

Autistic reporter Michael Falk reports it is bad that four U.S. soldiers died but it is good that nearly two dozen Taliban soldiers died.

A local man is proud he can still fit into his car from high school, "Stray To Be Destroyed" tops the list of cat names ...

E! 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Debra Messing tries to recall something that happened in a grocery store; Jon Hamm ...

Fox 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST With host Ryan Seacrest looming over them, waiting…sure they do!

A&E 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST A dejected Dave thinks the storage locker he purchased is a bust when ...

Mitchell, SD’s premiere tourist spot is now Wi-Fi enabled! So stop in to check your e-mail, get directions to Mount Rushmore, or see where ...

Army recruiter Sgt. William Thompson will address students at Madison High School next Friday. To save time at the Q&A session: Sgt.

A troubling report finds that by 2040 every presidential candidate will be unelectable to political office due to their embarrassing Facebook posts.