PITTSBURGH, PA—Bernard Rothstein, an urban planner and traffic-flow modulation specialist with the Urban Redevelopment Authority, found himself stuck in rush-hour traffic of his ...

NEW HAVEN, CT—The cola-filled commuter boarded the train unaware of the obstacles standing between him and bladder relief.

SACRAMENTO, CA—A series of wicked brutal wrecks at the intersection of McKinley and Grove have been officially classified as "spec-fucking-tacular."

ALBANY, NY—Emergency crews called to the scene described the remains of the victims as "slightly more lifeless than they were before the accident."

WASHINGTON—The program is designed as "an easy-to-understand informational tool"

CHICAGO—"Despite a number of setbacks, we've found the most efficient way to stack them is to start with a base of large ones ...

PHOENIX—Stressing that it would be really good to get there by Saturday afternoon, the U.S. Secretary of Needing Transportation issued a formal request ...

WASHINGTON—In a 30-minute video released Thursday, al- Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri criticized the mass transportation infrastructure of the United States, claiming significant repairs and ...

NEW YORK—It was learned Monday that for many decades, an "underground railroad" has been in operation in New York City, transporting thousands of slaves ...

OXFORD, ENGLAND—A new report in the Journal Of The Anthropological Society Of Oxford reveals that human feet were likely once used as a means ...

PATERSON, NJ—On his commute to work Monday, Patrick Highsmith met a stranger who did not entangle him in a torrid affair, cross-country intrigue, or ...

PALO ALTO, CA—According to a recent study conducted by a team of physicists at Stanford University, there is no logical explanation why...

HOMESTEAD, FL—Following a tour of the Everglades National Park, helicopter passenger Pete Palmissano reported that the trip was basically every bit as amazing as ...

WASHINGTON—Following last week's deadly crash of United Airlines flight 9753, which claimed the lives of 137 passengers and five crew members, the National ...

WASHINGTON—A report from the U.S. Department of Transportation confirmed Thursday that at any one time, the average American city bus is occupied by ...

PHILADELPHIA—According to several witnesses, bus passenger Marie Wallace apparently believes she exists in a universe wherein curried shrimp does not give off any odor.

NEW YORK—Saying they held no grudge against him and were just glad he was back where he belongs, a group of cultural footnotes from ...

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild ...

TUSCUMBIA, AL—A new Tuscumbia transportation law requires that all infants be placed in child-safety seats and securely buckled in when transported in the bed ...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Nearing the end of a heated game of Monopoly, Taylor Davis stopped short of purchasing his fourth railroad, realizing that nobody really takes ...

DEKALB, IL—Visiting Chinese language professor Hongyin Wu, 68, surprised students with all the freestyle tricks he could do on a dirt bike.

WATERTOWN, MA—Ethan Hodgson, 29, felt pretty great after traveling an unprecedented nine stops as the most attractive guy on the 71 bus.

PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL—The huge upsurge in golfing among black youth that Tiger Woods' success most likely initiated in the mid-1990s probably should have ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite being only a week away from the end of a season in which they have lost more than 50 games, the NBA ...

PHOENIX—Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed legislation Thursday designed to finally expel the Phoenix Coyotes and other immigrants blamed for playing hockey in the state.

TOWSON, MD—Despite the daily stresses of analyzing the upcoming NFL Draft, Mel Kiper, Jr. still finds time to toss the old spreadsheet around with ...

CHICAGO—Though his neighbors said it wasn't a pretty sight, Bulls journeyman Joakim Noah reportedly put forward maximum effort while trimming hedges, fertilizing his ...

LOS ANGELES—Players and fans alike are saying that Blake Griffin's latest dunk, while a solid, unstoppable one-handed jam, was actually more irritating than ...

NEW YORK—After carefully analyzing the progression of contemptible things the Yankees third baseman has done in his career, a report released Friday by the ...

Warm weather is just around the corner, and soon it will be time to dust off those bicycles. Here are some tips for safe riding:

In addition to rigorous training and natural talent, top athletes have often credited their success to following pet rituals or superstitions....

The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn.

Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers".

Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

A study published in the Journal Of Applied Ecology of 10 bird species on the site of a newly constructed wind farm showed that most ...

Ron Paul supporter Daniel Williams has launched a Kickstarter campaign to fund a video game called Ron Paul: Road to REVOLution.

Starbucks said it would stop using cochineal beetles to color its strawberry Frappuccinos and switch to a tomato-based food coloring.

Dear The Onion, I hate to break it to you, but two different people were standing in the subway station this morning giving away free ...

In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports on Kanye West's feud with Syria and a company's decision not to bother recalling a defective ...

A Greyhound bus crash claims 30 miserable lives, a Stanford study finds no logical reason why planes are able to fly, and a local man ...

HISTORY 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST This weekly reality program chronicles the vicious competition and daring exploits of the rugged prostitutes who ...

HISTORY 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Tonight: Jeremy tracks retread debris across western Ohio, Clint catches some quick shut-eye on the shoulder ...

Discovery 6:30 p.m. EST/5:30 p.m. CST People who can afford to take cabs get a once-in-a-lifetime shot at hundreds of ...

ABC 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Two airline captains concoct new TV show ideas as they fly

Evan DeRosa, 31, died from head injuries sustained during a bicycle accident. And get this, he was wearing a helmet, so suck on that helmet ...

After a series of failed suicide attempts, Maria Trotter, 28, was killed last night in a car accident.

Whoever egged Rob Murtha's Dodge Charger is as good as dead.

Kobe Bryant Criticized

NHL Playoffs Frequently Paused For NHL Pledge Drive

Brian Wilson Plans on Attaching Removed Elbow Ligament to Chin as Freaky Goatee

Pack Rat Hockey Goalie Keeping Six Dozen Gatorade Bottles On Top Of Net

Kid With Mop Just Following Behind Pau Gasol For Entire Game

Retro Baseball Fan Really Into 1986 Blue Jays Right Now

Goalies Playing Prominent Role In NHL Playoffs

Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad."