OAKLAND, CA—Friends and colleagues of copywriter Timothy Gibula confirmed Wednesday that the anxiety-ridden 36-year-old is right to feel ashamed of every single thing he ...

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, President Obama gently urged his staff Monday to try to include national security adviser Thomas Donilon a little more ...

SAN MATEO, CA—Following an accidental keystroke combination Monday, local woman Kate Garret’s computer displayed a strange, never-before-seen typographical character that experts have since ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Financial services giant Visa held a press event Tuesday to introduce "Visa Voice," a new line of talking credit cards that urges shoppers ...

WASHINGTON—The alleged misconduct of Secret Service personnel accused of soliciting prostitutes in Colombia last month did not at any time compromise President Obama's ...

BOSTON—According to local man Peter McCarthy, an endearing behavior that once helped him nurture companionship and intimacy with ex-girlfriend Kara Banachek is currently allowing ...

SARATOGA, NY—Less than 24 hours after being promoted to staff sergeant within the corruption-plagued Saratoga Police Department, decorated canine unit dog Chips was implicated ...

MARION, OH—Local residents on Friday struggled to recollect the legacy of educator Jerry Kowalski, 68, who next month will complete his 43-year teaching career ...

MINNEAPOLIS—According to a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, mosquitoes have no physiological reason to bite humans, and in fact ...

WASHINGTON—U.S. Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer told reporters this week that he cannot stop himself from deliberating over whether even the most mundane ...

Dick Clark, the creator and longtime host of American Bandstand and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, died on Apr. 18 of a ...

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly ...

BEAVERTON, OR—Everybody just about died when Kim Biller, 15, wore the cutest shoes ever.

PASCO, WA—After repeated rounds of indirect questioning, Mike Sado finally figured out the last name of the roommate he has been living with for ...

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Neighbors Rick Simmons and Cynthia Dietrick have been using their wireless network names to send passive-aggressive messages to each other.

PRINCETON, NJ—Alish Panjwani, 21, was a little disturbed that a Starbucks barista spelled his name perfectly without assistance.

$17.13 (+4.18) (+12.7%) Stock prices for the publisher of the popular women's magazines Cosmopolitan and Elle rose sharply today on word ...

WALPOLE, NH—Exhausted and haggard documentarian Ken Burns begged Major League Baseball to cease operations Tuesday, saying that any future games, trades, or league action ...

HOUSTON—The Houston Astros, described by police as a 50-year-old franchise last seen wearing a white pinstriped uniform with its name on the front and ...

LAKESIDE, MT—In a rare interview from his Montana ranch that aired Saturday on SportsCenter, former Lakers coach Phil Jackson said he has found his ...

RICHMOND, VA—Following a pre-race inspection, NASCAR officials announced Friday that the car to be used by Jimmie Johnson's Hendrick Motorsports team at Richmond ...

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the medical field's growing need for better real-time imaging technology, faster-acting broad-spectrum protein-identification lasers, and portable cancer-marker biosensors, at least one ...

Psychic Kenneth Quinn connects Today Now! studio guests with former landlords and friends of work friends who have died for stilted conversations from beyond.

A recently published study of fast food in several countries found that the amount of salt in menu items varied country to country.

A law prohibiting everyone but Dutch natives and permanent residents from visiting marijuana cafes was upheld in court last week.

The Occupy movement has declared May 1 to be a day of national protest and has asked people not to go to work, conduct banking ...

Researchers studying four large wind farms in Texas found that the turbine movement caused the average ground temperature in the area to increase nearly one ...

Former reality TV star Jessica Simpson gave birth to a 9-pound, 13-ounce daughter, Maxwell Drew Johnson, on Tuesday.

The British Parliament released a 125-page report on the News Corp phone-hacking scandal that concluded CEO Rupert Murdoch was unfit to govern a major media ...

Edvard Munch's expressionist drawing The Scream sold at Sotheby's for $119.9 million, the highest price ever paid for a work of art ...

The Drug Enforcement Agency apologized to 23-year-old Daniel Chong for leaving him locked alone in a cell without food, water, or a toilet for four ...

Dear The Onion, Hey, I need you to settle a debate for me: At what point do the effects of involuntary, emergency medication force one ...

Inspired by the First Lady's health plan for children, Vice President Joe Biden has pledged to make every American woman beach-ready.

An anxiety-ridden man is rightly ashamed of every single thing that he does, half a sleeve of Oreos is lost in a house fire, and ...

NBC 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST This week, more Nazi ancestors are uncovered for Gwyneth Paltrow, Taylor Lautner, and Joey ...

truTV 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST The team faces a paradox when it’s sent to repossess the cameras and ...

Nickelodeon 11:00 a.m. EST/10:00 a.m. CST Something is a little bit off with the Dandelion Gang, until the credits roll ...

GSN 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Host Jon Barton can’t tell if contestants are having a good time, so ...

Cozy bungalow perfect for the professional or amateur insect enthusiast. 

Don't miss this gorgeous condo with WALL-TO-WALL ceilings, STAINLESS STEEL nails, and in-unit W/D (white doors).

Spectacular Intramural Sports Play Still Intramural Sports Play

John Fogerty Announces 'Centerfield' Actually About Girl He Forced To Get An Abortion In 1974

Washington Capitals Wondering Why They're Scheduled To Play Rangers Two Games In A Row

Osi Umenyiora Hires Goat To Chew Up Contract Offers From Giants

This week the Romney campaign introduced "Paco", a taco-loving cartoon parrot, in hopes of appealing to Latino voters.