'The President Needs To Come Clean On His Views,' Obama Says
WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama lashed out at President Barack Obama's seemingly evasive stance on gay marriage Tuesday, calling the head-of-state's cagey position on ...
DENVER—A new illicit drug that is incredibly cheap, highly addictive, and extremely easy to produce is appearing in school yards across the country, the ...
TEHRAN—Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters Thursday he was kind of getting back into old R.E.M.
ALLENTOWN, PA—Radically reversing nearly three weeks of precedent, local 5-year-old Tricia Billings announced Saturday that the circle was no longer her favorite shape. "Circles ...
WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Saying that she didn’t want to be presumptuous but had thought her celebrated literary career, numerous academic honors, and tireless political activism ...
CUZCO, PERU—Mystic spirits guarding Sacsayhuamán Archaeological Park acknowledged Tuesday that a loophole in a centuries-old hex had allowed archaeologist Brian Bauer to violate ...
SAN FRANCISCO—A new labor market study published Wednesday has found that oil companies with hydraulic fracturing interests have outpaced the tobacco industry, Wall Street ...
BURBANK, CA—During the final installment of a three-part retrospective podcast on the film studio Thursday, longtime Disney illustrator Russell Schroeder revealed that every one ...
Species Making Comeback In Senate Chambers, Excited Wildlife Experts Say
WASHINGTON—Wildlife biologists confirmed Friday they have documented multiple sightings of endangered gray wolves in the U.S.
LOS ANGELES—Director Andrew Dominik announced Saturday that he was forced to scrap a new $80 million motion picture after reviewing footage and finding that ...
CLEVELAND—Nearly six decades after electric-guitar-based rock and roll began its dominance of mainstream popular music, the fad has finally run its course, a group ...
Former House speaker Newt Gingrich formally announced he was ending his bid to become the Republican candidate for president last week. Here are some highlights ...
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream ...
APPLE VALLEY, MN—Cindy Kurtz pushed and wiggled and scooted but was unable to stand up from an exceptionally soft couch.
PHOENIX, AZ—Just 500 more Capital One rewards points and Anne Wilkinson, 33, gets to go out for pizza with acclaimed novelist Salman Rushdie.
PETERSBURG, KY—Gus Hall, the janitor at the Creation Museum, accidentally left his flashlight in the Adam and Eve exhibit, but no one seemed to ...
FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Cub Scout Pack 53 toured the local CBS affiliate’s newsroom, where members took turns spitting on the green screen.
$18.77 (+$0.02) (+0.11%) Share prices rose after CEO Jeffrey Immelt threw a bunch of light bulbs off the GE Building's roof ...
NEW YORK—Mere moments after becoming the highest-selected punter in the NFL Draft since 1995, Bryan Anger took the opportunity to thank the Jaguars and ...
MEMPHIS—Grizzlies players expressed frustration during a press conference Monday, admitting they regretted having gone to bed early and missed out on seeing one of ...
CINCINNATI—New Bengals wide receiver Mohamed Sanu told reporters last week he had been "desperately relieved" to find out a phone call notifying him that ...
WASHINGTON—Veteran Redskins quarterback Rex Grossman, who during his nine years in the NFL has earned a 56-60 touchdown-to-interception ratio and lost a Super Bowl ...
BOSTON—At a press conference last week discussing his suspension for bumping a referee, Celtics guard Rajon Rondo blamed his conduct on having "too many ...
PHOENIX—With his Suns season over and a new team likely in the future for free agent Steve Nash, the Canadian point guard spent an ...
The 2012 NFL Draft is in the books, and the speculation now begins as to which teams gained football players and which ones gambled away ...
The planned route for the .031-mile event.
He may have been the second pick of the draft, but RG3 is by far the most intriguing pick. Is he any good?
Saturday's full moon reached perigee, the closest the satellite gets to Earth in its orbit, making it appear fuller and brighter than at any ...
An ad for Popchips featuring Ashton Kutcher speaking in a stereotypical Indian accent and wearing brown-face makeup was pulled after a public outcry.
Greeks handed a victory to anti-austerity politicians in Sunday's elections, which included a second-place finish for the Radical Left Coalition and victories for the ...
The Fox film studio is changing the name of its comedy Neighborhood Watch to The Watch in order to distance it from the killing of ...
Children's author Maurice Sendak, whose beloved book Where The Wild Things Are came out in 1963, died of complications from a recent stroke.
Overall borrowing, including credit card purchases and student loans, increased more in March than in any month in the past 10 years, pushing the total ...
By a margin of 58 to 42 percent, North Carolina voters approved an amendment to the state constitution that bans same-sex marriage.
Using fMRI imagery, scientists were able to see which parts of the brain were activated when specially trained dogs were offered treats.
A brain surgery performed at Houston's Memorial Hermann hospital was live-tweeted, complete with accompanying photos and video.
Researchers from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography found that plastic waste in the North Pacific has increased a hundredfold over the past 40 years.
Dear The Onion,
Yay! I finally found your mailing address!
Lenora Williams, Stanford, CT
President Obama works out an agreement to have Republicans in Congress kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing.
A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as ...
The Onion recently wrote that permanence is an illusion. We in the media strive to prevent metaphysical bias from coloring our reporting, and The Onion ...
Last week The Onion reported that no one attended Eli O'Neal's going away party, when in reality we meant funeral, which was, at ...
TLC
7:30 p.m. EST/6:30 p.m. CST
The crew follows around a woman who can't achieve orgasm unless her clitoris ...
Lifetime
9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST
A postman (Chace Crawford) from 10 business days in the future uncovers a package ...
PBS 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST A pre-taped concert that doesn’t feature some of the greatest musicians in the ...
Noggin 4:00 p.m. EST/3:00 p.m. CST All-state baseball pitcher Russ throws two strikes to the opposing team's star player ...
John Daniels died from laughing so hard his heart fell out his butt.
Mike Abramson, 33, sure showed all of you when he died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound Tuesday night.
Marilyn Helms, 91, knows you're looking at her age and thinking, "She lived long enough." Well, fuck you.
Minnesota Vikings To Rebuild Other Side Of Offensive Line With Plywood
Mark Sanchez Not Included On List Of 100 Random NFL Players
The Onion reflects on the discovery of the first lesbian, the joyous Hindenburg explosion, and the Sears Tower's challenge to God
