Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight

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Issue 4819

Cliffhanger High

Noggin 4:00 p.m. EST/3:00 p.m. CST All-state baseball pitcher Russ throws two strikes to the opposing team's star player, the girls nervously shuffle on stage for the regional cheerleading competition, Principal Wolf dials the number of the clinic to lea...

Guitar Music Fad Runs Course

CLEVELAND—Nearly six decades after electric-guitar-based rock and roll began its dominance of mainstream popular music, the fad has finally run its course, a group of fans, critics, and record industry executives confirmed Sunday.

5-Year-Old Announces Circle No Longer Her Favorite Shape

ALLENTOWN, PA—Radically reversing nearly three weeks of precedent, local 5-year-old Tricia Billings announced Saturday that the circle was no longer her favorite shape. "Circles aren't my favorite anymore," said Billings, denouncing t...

Not The New York Philharmonic

PBS 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST A pre-taped concert that doesn’t feature some of the greatest musicians in the country, thank God.

Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich formally announced he was ending his bid to become the Republican candidate for president last week. Here are some highlights from his yearlong campaign: May 1, 2011: Gingrich wakes up in the middle of t...

Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About

DENVER—A new illicit drug that is incredibly cheap, highly addictive, and extremely easy to produce is appearing in school yards across the country, the fevered imaginations of the nation's mothers who need something to fret over confirmed today. Th...

My Future Postman

Lifetime 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST A postman (Chace Crawford) from 10 business days in the future uncovers a package sent in our time and travels back to the past to deliver it.

Obama Blasts Obama's Evasive Stance On Gay Marriage

'The President Needs To Come Clean On His Views,' Obama Says

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama lashed out at President Barack Obama's seemingly evasive stance on gay marriage Tuesday, calling the head-of-state's cagey position on the issue both "cowardly" and "an example of faile...

Loophole In Curse Lets Archaeologist Off The Hook

CUZCO, PERU—Mystic spirits guarding Sacsayhuamán Archaeological Park acknowledged Tuesday that a loophole in a centuries-old hex had allowed archaeologist Brian Bauer to violate the site's subterranean catacombs without being cursed. ...

Steve Nash Has Emotional Goodbye With Host Family

PHOENIX—With his Suns season over and a new team likely in the future for free agent Steve Nash, the Canadian point guard spent an emotional final day with his American host family, the Berkleys, Sunday. "Steve has been such a joy to have ...

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...

Mundane Sex

TLC 7:30 p.m. EST/6:30 p.m. CST The crew follows around a woman who can't achieve orgasm unless her clitoris is stimulated.

Paula Deen Sponsors .05K Walk For Diabetes Research

SAVANNAH, GA—Celebrity chef and restaurateur Paula Deen announced Monday that her recently launched Step for a Cure Foundation would host its first annual .05K fun walk on May 20 to raise money for Type 2 diabetes research. The star of the Food Netw...

Robert Griffin III

He may have been the second pick of the draft, but RG3 is by far the most intriguing pick. Is he any good?

NFL Draft Winners And Losers

The 2012 NFL Draft is in the books, and the speculation now begins as to which teams gained football players and which ones gambled away their entire futures.
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