Harrison Ford Chuckles To Self Upon Realizing He Hasn't Been In Movie People Liked In 18 Years

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Issue 4820

The Skeet Shooter 

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Davy Anthony must protect his happily unaware family from a rogue skeet that could fly out from any direction at any time.

Jessica Tanley and Rodney Holl

Jessica Tanley married Rodney Holl beneath a beautiful evening sky, hoping for a shooting star at the moment of their “I Do’s,” but of course that didn’t happen because Rodney always screws everything up.

Independent Baking Scene Apparently Worth A Documentary

SEATTLE—A string of independent bakeries in the Seattle area apparently provided enough material to warrant a 73-minute documentary titled Rise: The Resurgence Of The Artisanal Bakery, 27-year-old Netflix browser Cyrus Wall observed Sunday.

Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil

The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012.

The Return Of Eddie

TLC 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Eddie returns to Cleveland, where he hasn’t been since he was a kid, and is surprised to find they built the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there.

Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance

Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here are some of the evolutionary stages of Obama's opinion: Nov. 30, 2008: 

Swedish Rules Football

Fox Sports 2:00 p.m. EST/1:00 p.m. CST Stockholm takes on Gothenburg in a sport that is a lot more like baseball.

Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa

JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing...

James Palmenteri and Valerie Skinner

After two marriages to other people, James Palmenteri, 38, and Valerie Skinner, 35, have decided to waste their friends and family’s time, once again, this Saturday.

Alabama Hosts First Desegregated Mass Suicide

The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...

Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy

'It's Been A Hell Of A Run, Folks,' Say Retiring Executives

HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it had run out of candy and would cease operations immediately.

Holmes On Homes

DIY 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Sherlock and Watson must complete a half-finished bungalow renovation before Moriarty blows up an innocent hostage.

Don't You Fret, America

"But don't you fret, America. If you ever feel like your government is getting too big or too intrusive, just give a little whistle, and there I'll be.

Prince Fielder Urges Rookie To Choke Up On Burrito

DETROIT—Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reportedly shared years of veteran experience Wednesday by urging rookie pitcher to Drew Smyly to choke up on his burrito, claiming it would vastly improve his control and ability to make contact with the ...

Goodell's Toughest Rulings

The frequency and severity of his punishments have earned NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a reputation as a strict disciplinarian.

Tony Parker

San Antonio is looking like the team to beat in the NBA Playoffs, and French import Tony Parker has made the Spurs his own.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.