JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali ...

BALTIMORE—Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood went off on a 22-centimeter-wide, 8-centimeter-deep pothole Wednesday, calling it a "goddamn disgrace" and a "real piece of work that ...

GOLDSBORO, NC—Anticipating the very likely need for rapid medical evacuation, a fleet of ambulances from several regional hospitals took up positions Saturday at the ...

LOS ANGELES—According to insider sources, the future of HBO's Game Of Thrones is currently in doubt, with the hit fantasy series facing a ...

HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it ...

NEW YORK—A full 20 minutes after running into casual acquaintance Dan Ehrlemeyer at a CVS drugstore Wednesday and exchanging pleasant small talk with him ...

LOS ANGELES—Veteran LAPD detective James Russo, 49, reluctantly admitted to reporters Thursday that the pedophile he is currently on the trail of is the ...

47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEM—Roughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager ...

MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof ...

SEATTLE—A string of independent bakeries in the Seattle area apparently provided enough material to warrant a 73-minute documentary titled Rise: The Resurgence Of The ...

Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here ...

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time ...

CHICAGO, IL—Mackenzie Yeager sat through her friend's one-man show only to realize the last act was all about the lunch date they had ...

ABERDEEN, WA—Feeling spontaneous, Jenny Pierce, 32, took the 53 bus to the end of the line and got to see where the bus driver ...

HARRISBURG, PA—Josh Newton, 32, wouldn't say that Thursday was a complete waste, since he did watch nearly every video about Jeffrey Dahmer on ...

JOPLIN, MO—If Trevor Mahoney had reserved the U-Haul like he said he would, we wouldn't even be having this conversation in the first ...

$86.40 (-$1.03) (-1.2%) Investor confidence wavered following president and CEO Inge Thulin’s gory public suicide at this morning's annual shareholder ...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Shaken and trembling Kentucky Derby winner I'll Have Another, who came from behind and outside on the final turn to win the ...

OCEANSIDE, CA—After paying his respects to the late Chargers great Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell acceded to Junior Seau's family's request to ...

LOUISVILLE, KY—The Louisville Metro Police Department said Thursday it is following all leads in the murder of track worker Adan Fabian Perez, even bringing ...

DETROIT—Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reportedly shared years of veteran experience Wednesday by urging rookie pitcher to Drew Smyly to choke up on his ...

FAIRMONT, WV—In an announcement that has caused the golfer to lose further endorsement deals and degraded his already meager public esteem, the Occupational Safety ...

NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball ...

The frequency and severity of his punishments have earned NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a reputation as a strict disciplinarian.

San Antonio is looking like the team to beat in the NBA Playoffs, and French import Tony Parker has made the Spurs his own.

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon informed investors that a series of risky positions in synthetic credit securities had resulted in a $2 billion loss for ...

Former classmates of Mitt Romney have reported multiple incidents of bullying by the presidential candidate when he was a student at the prestigious Cranbrook preparatory ...

The Avengers became the first film to make more than $100 million domestically in its second weekend, and has now grossed more than $1 billion ...

According to a study published in the journal Psychological Science, repeating positive affirmations like "I am a lovable person" makes depressed people feel worse.

Panamanian fisherman Adrian Vasquez is suing Princess Cruise Lines after one of its ships allegedly chose to ignore a stalled boat in which he and ...

SpaceX, the privately owned spaceflight company, is planning to launch a robotic capsule to the International Space Station this Saturday.

Following numerous religious protests, Indonesian officials have refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga to perform in Jakarta next month.

Following a speech in Washington, former president George W. Bush offered an impromptu endorsement of candidate Mitt Romney to reporters.

For the first time in U.S. history, the number of minority babies outstripped the number of white babies.

A new DVR sold by the Dish Network comes with the capability to pass over ads and is sending shockwaves through the television industry.

A study published in The Journal of Physiology demonstrated that rats given substantial amounts of high fructose corn syrup learned and remembered less than a ...

Dear The Onion, Your review of The Avengers movie is completely off base. Jeremy Renner totally nailed Hawkeye. Jeff Hauser, Hermiston, OR

Dear The Onion, I don’t have a Facebook account, but I just wanted you to know that I enjoy your publication. Please add one ...

Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly.

The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an ...

DIY 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Sherlock and Watson must complete a half-finished bungalow renovation before Moriarty blows up an ...

Fox Sports 2:00 p.m. EST/1:00 p.m. CST Stockholm takes on Gothenburg in a sport that is a lot more like ...

TLC 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Eddie returns to Cleveland, where he hasn’t been since he was a kid ...

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Davy Anthony must protect his happily unaware family from a rogue skeet that could ...

After two marriages to other people, James Palmenteri, 38, and Valerie Skinner, 35, have decided to waste their friends and family’s time, once again ...

Kristen Anderson and James Greene, both of Austin, TX, were married Friday at the city's newest wedding truck.

Jessica Tanley married Rodney Holl beneath a beautiful evening sky, hoping for a shooting star at the moment of their “I Do’s,” but of ...

"But don't you fret, America. If you ever feel like your government is getting too big or too intrusive, just give a little whistle ...

Cole Hamels Apologizes For Not Hitting Bryce Harper Right In The Fucking Face With Pitch

London Officials Confirm Entire Olympics Will Take Place In Pouring Rain

Time Literally Catches Up to Jamie Moyer's Fastball

Ryan Tannehill Gets To Know Dolphins' Offense By Having Quaint Dinner With Playbook

New Jersey Devils Under Assumption They Were Invited To Brooklyn As Well

In this Star Fix Quick Hit, Angelique Clark looks at the media's ongoing efforts to push Shia LaBeouf over the edge into a Charlie ...

The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion ...

Onion editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly is one of the world's top opinion-makers. He gets up close and personal in this new video series.