MANAUS, BRAZIL—A team of scientists studying the Amazon Rainforest announced the remarkable discovery this week of thousands of previously undiscovered mammals, reptiles, birds and ...
HYANNIS PORT, MA—Following last week's tragic loss of yet another family member, the grieving Kennedys released a list of numerous heartbreaking ways the ...
PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week ...
WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor fallen American soldiers this Memorial Day with a fittingly "badass" tribute, Vice President Joe Biden has announced plans to ...
NEW YORK—The struggling NBC network announced a new programming initiative last week that involves characters in each scripted series ending episodes by breaking the ...
BRIMLEY, MI—Local couple Matt and Wendy Ratliff told reporters Tuesday that they have been steadily building up a nest egg of debt to make ...
MEMPHIS, TN—With its combination of flickering fluorescent lights, seats facing a Delta security checkpoint, and day-old lo mein noodles sticking to its teal-colored tiled ...
BOSTON— As they helped their son move out of Boston University's Warren Towers dormitory Wednesday, the parents of student Jay Wiernick struck up a ...
ISLAND OF SODOR—Thomas the Tank Engine told reporters Tuesday that while he's glad trains are a source of fascination and joy for so ...
SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work ...
MINNEAPOLIS—An underlying but eerily palpable feeling of enforced social conformity, racial tension, and communist witch hunts lurks just beneath the surface of Smokey Joe ...
Shoe company Skechers, whose rounded-bottom Shape-Up brand was purported to have been good for weight loss and overall fitness, has been ordered by the Federal ...
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take ...
ATLANTA—Knowing her penchant for forgetfulness, Alice Colvin, 51, just took her entire month's supply of estrogen all at once to be done with ...
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Beth Myers, 42, knew her husband was probably just joking around, but how did he get the hospital to let him use ...
FOX CHAPEL, PA—While playing with his mom's iPhone, 7-year-old Gus Elliott was horrified to find the video of his birth was still up ...
MIDDLETOWN, IN—Gravedigger Donald McKee, 56, did a quick once-over to make sure everyone was buried before locking up the cemetery.
$14.72 (+$1.30) (-9.7%) Acquisition rumors have created buzz for this social-media startup that restores digitally yellowed and mottled photos to clear and ...
MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic ...
CHICAGO—Defending their newly acquired wideout Brandon Marshall, multiple members of the Chicago Bears organization came forward this week claiming they would want him on ...
NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like ...
NEW YORK— Yankees manager Joe Girardi announced at a press conference Tuesday his plans to give the pitching mound a few days of rest to ...
HOBBS, NM—According to friends of the man, area cool basketball fan Kip Conroy calls the sport "b-ball," even though that is not the sport ...
KANSAS CITY, MO—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz excitedly informed everyone in his team's dugout that he had just spotted a submarine splashing ...
Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all ...
Mr. World Peace changed his name last year in order to show he'd rejected the hooliganism that got him in trouble as Ron Artest ...
Donna Summer, singer of such disco anthems as "Last Dance" and "Love To Love You Baby," died at the age of 63.
A new database assembled by two universities has identified more than 2,000 wrongful convictions overturned in the last 23 years, at an average of ...
In an address given during the NATO summit in Chicago, Afghan president Hamid Karzai thanked the people of the United States for bearing the cost ...
The Supreme Court ruled that a set of twins conceived with frozen sperm through in vitro fertilization 18 months after the father's death are ...
Several Catholic institutions, including Notre Dame, are suing the federal government over the Obama administration’s birth control funding mandate.
Fifteen months after Egyptian ruler Hosni Mubarak was deposed, Egyptians voted in their first-ever free presidential elections.
A survey revealed that the 2010 census counted an extra 36,000 people, or 0.01 percent, because of duplicate forms and deaths, which is ...
Autistic reporter Michael Falk questions the logic of continuing to look for a group of lost hikers who clearly are no longer alive.
Although The Onion did not make any mistakes in yesterday's newspaper, we still have to fill this space with text lest we leave a ...
As a heads-up to our readers, next week's Summer Fashion Preview is going to blow. Sorry.
Cartoon
3:00 p.m. EST/2:00 p.m. CST
Adam, Sarah, Skip, and the rest of the team at the Boise-area NBC affiliate ...
ABC
8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST
In the tradition of ABC's B-related shows GCB and Don’t Trust ...
NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST In tonight's episode of this spin-off of the classic '90s sitcom, Charlie and ...
MTV 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Contestants must slap as many unsuspecting passersby as they can for a chance to ...
Early Playoff Exit Provides Huge Relief To Grizzlies
LeBron James Only Person In Arena Chanting 'MVP'
Spurs, Celtics Begin Stiff-Legged Lurch to the Finals
New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed
SMU Adds "Do Not Resuscitate" To Larry Brown's Contract
Bryce Harper Asks Manager Where Bats Come From
Kevin Bright's coworkers were shocked to learn that the mild-mannered, reserved temp spends his free time performing shitty music.
The Onion reflects on Bette Davis’s film debut as a piece of chocolate cake, Lindbergh’s historic flight across the Atlantic Ocean after decades ...
Thorsberg-Bronze-Quill-Award-winning cartoonist Stan Kelly takes you behind the scenes of his latest editorial cartoon, which explores a hidden threat from overseas.
