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Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart

• Scientists Find Thousands Of Previously Undiscovered Species Cowering In Amazon Rainforest

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | News

  MANAUS, BRAZIL—A team of scientists studying the Amazon Rainforest announced the remarkable discovery this week of thousands of previously undiscovered mammals, reptiles, birds and other species desperately cowering for dear life under rocks ... more»

  

• Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | News

  HYANNIS PORT, MA—Following last week's tragic loss of yet another family member, the grieving Kennedys released a list of numerous heartbreaking ways the dynasty's remaining living relatives could die, sources confirmed Tuesday. This list, which is ... more»

  

• Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | News

  PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered... more»

  

• Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | News

  WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor fallen American soldiers this Memorial Day with a fittingly "badass" tribute, Vice President Joe Biden has announced plans to jump a motorcycle over the entire length of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. Biden... more»

  

• Every NBC Program To End With Character Straight Up Asking Viewers What Kind Of New TV Shows They Would Like To See

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The struggling NBC network announced a new programming initiative last week that involves characters in each scripted series ending episodes by breaking the fourth wall and asking viewers point blank what sort of television shows they would... more»

• Couple Has Nest Egg Of Debt To Make Sure They've Got Some Money To Owe Down The Road

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | News in Brief

  BRIMLEY, MI—Local couple Matt and Wendy Ratliff told reporters Tuesday that they have been steadily building up a nest egg of debt to make sure that they always had something tucked away to owe banks and creditors no matter what the future held. more»

  

• Memphis Airport Panda Express Takes Over As Nation's Most Depressing Place

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | News in Brief

  MEMPHIS, TN—With its combination of flickering fluorescent lights, seats facing a Delta security checkpoint, and day-old lo mein noodles sticking to its teal-colored tiled floors, Memphis Airport's Panda Express is now the the nation's most depressi... more»

• Visiting Parents Unknowingly Strike Up Conversation With Parents Of Dorm's Blowjob Queen

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | News in Brief

  BOSTON— As they helped their son move out of Boston University's Warren Towers dormitory Wednesday, the parents of student Jay Wiernick struck up a conversation with the parents of fellow student Elaine Marcone, reportedly oblivious to the fact that... more»

• Thomas The Tank Engine A Little Uneasy With His Broad Autistic Following

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | News in Brief

  ISLAND OF SODOR—Thomas the Tank Engine told reporters Tuesday that while he's glad trains are a source of fascination and joy for so many children, he often feels uncomfortable with the attention he receives from the autistic fans that make up the m... more»

  

• Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | News in Brief

  SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks. more»

• Undercurrent Of Inequality And Fear Roiling Just Beneath Surface Of '50s-Themed Diner

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | News in Brief

  MINNEAPOLIS—An underlying but eerily palpable feeling of enforced social conformity, racial tension, and communist witch hunts lurks just beneath the surface of Smokey Joe's, a 1950s-themed novelty diner, sources reported Monday. more»

• Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitness Claims

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | Infographic

  Shoe company Skechers, whose rounded-bottom Shape-Up brand was purported to have been good for weight loss and overall fitness, has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay out more than $40 million in refunds.  more»

  

• Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | Horoscope

  Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad... more»

• Least Popular Hotel Perks

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | Statshot

  

• Meth Lab Tests Confirm Dealer's Hypothesis

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | Radio News

• Computer Hacker Denied Access To Social Life

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | Radio News

• 14 Feelings Hurt In Local Teasing Incident

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | Radio News

• Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | Radio News

• Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Radio News

• Man At Gym Just Watching TV

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | News in Photos

  

• Come On! There Has To Be One Person In This Goddamn School Who's Been Molested

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | Commentary

  By Ted Bartlett, Guidance Counselor more»

  

• ATLANTA—Knowing her penchant for forgetfulness, Alice Colvin, 51, just took her entire month's supply of estrogen all at once to be done with it.

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | National News Highlights

  ATLANTA—Knowing her penchant for forgetfulness, Alice Colvin, 51, just took her entire month's supply of estrogen all at once to be done with it. more»

• LITTLE ROCK, AR—Beth Myers, 42, knew her husband was probably just joking around, but how did he get the hospital to let him use the emergency room like that?

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | National News Highlights

  LITTLE ROCK, AR—Beth Myers, 42, knew her husband was probably just joking around, but how did he get the hospital to let him use the emergency room like that? more»

• FOX CHAPEL, PA—While playing with his mom's iPhone, 7-year-old Gus Elliott was horrified to find the video of his birth was still up on YouTube.

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | National News Highlights

  FOX CHAPEL, PA—While playing with his mom's iPhone, 7-year-old Gus Elliott was horrified to find the video of his birth was still up on YouTube. more»

• MIDDLETOWN, IN—Gravedigger Donald McKee, 56, did a quick once-over to make sure everyone was buried before locking up the cemetery.

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | National News Highlights

  MIDDLETOWN, IN—Gravedigger Donald McKee, 56, did a quick once-over to make sure everyone was buried before locking up the cemetery. more»

• Photostat Inc. (PHO)

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | Stockwatch

  $14.72 (+$1.30) (-9.7%) Acquisition rumors have created buzz for this social-media startup that restores digitally yellowed and mottled photos to clear and bright quality images worthy of today's cameras. more»

• 10 Ways To Wow Slovenian Philosopher Slavoj Žižek In Bed

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Deadly Imports

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.18.12 | Sports News

  MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday. An MRI per... more»

  

• Bears Claim They'd Want Brandon Marshall On Their Side In Bar Fight With Woman

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.17.12 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Defending their newly acquired wideout Brandon Marshall, multiple members of the Chicago Bears organization came forward this week claiming they would want him on their side in a barroom brawl with a woman. more»

  

• Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.18.12 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether ... more»

  

• Yankees To Rest Pitching Mound After 8 Innings Of CC Sabathia

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.20.12 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK— Yankees manager Joe Girardi announced at a press conference Tuesday his plans to give the pitching mound a few days of rest to fully recover from enduring eight grueling innings of hurler CC Sabathia. "A long outing of Sabathia r... more»

  

• Cool Basketball Fan Calls Sport 'B-Ball'

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

  HOBBS, NM—According to friends of the man, area cool basketball fan Kip Conroy calls the sport "b-ball," even though that is not the sport’s official name. "Kip's always like, 'Want to play some b-ball?' or 'Did you se... more»

  

• David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | Sports News in Brief

  KANSAS CITY, MO—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz excitedly informed everyone in his team's dugout that he had just spotted a submarine splashing around in the Kauffman Stadium fountain behind the outfield fence in Kansas City, sources confirmed... more»

  

• Famous Flops In Sports

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.18.12 | Sportsgraphic

  Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all sports these days. more»

  

• Metta World Peace

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.19.12 | Strongside/Weakside

  Mr. World Peace changed his name last year in order to show he'd rejected the hooliganism that got him in trouble as Ron Artest, but he's also coming off a seven-game suspension for a blind elbow. more»

  

• Jubilant Rangers Throw Skates Into Stands

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.19.12 | Photo Finish

  

• Donna Summer Dead

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | American Voices

  Donna Summer, singer of such disco anthems as "Last Dance" and "Love To Love You Baby," died at the age of 63. more»

• Study Logs 2,000 Wrongful Convictions

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | American Voices

  A new database assembled by two universities has identified more than 2,000 wrongful convictions overturned in the last 23 years, at an average of 11 years each. more»

• Karzai Thanks U.S. Taxpayers For Covering Cost Of War

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | American Voices

  In an address given during the NATO summit in Chicago, Afghan president Hamid Karzai thanked the people of the United States for bearing the cost of the war. more»

• Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | American Voices

  The Supreme Court ruled that a set of twins conceived with frozen sperm through in vitro fertilization 18 months after the father's death are not eligible for Social Security survivor benefits. more»

• Catholic Orgs Sue Over Birth-Control Rule

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | American Voices

  Several Catholic institutions, including Notre Dame, are suing the federal government over the Obama administration’s birth control funding mandate. more»

• Egypt Holds First Presidential Elections

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | American Voices

  Fifteen months after Egyptian ruler Hosni Mubarak was deposed, Egyptians voted in their first-ever free presidential elections. more»

• U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | American Voices

  A survey revealed that the 2010 census counted an extra 36,000 people, or 0.01 percent, because of duplicate forms and deaths, which is down from the 0.49 percent overcount in the 2000 census. more»

• On Manchester City’s First Title Since 1968

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.18.12 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Pictures

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Slideshow

  

• Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

  Autistic reporter Michael Falk questions the logic of continuing to look for a group of lost hikers who clearly are no longer alive. more»

  

• Flawlessness 

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | Corrections

  Although The Onion did not make any mistakes in yesterday's newspaper, we still have to fill this space with text lest we leave a glaring blank section. more»

• Summer Fashion Preview

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Corrections

  As a heads-up to our readers, next week's Summer Fashion Preview is going to blow. Sorry. more»

• News Team 9 Adventures

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | TV Listings

  Cartoon 3:00 p.m. EST/2:00 p.m. CST Adam, Sarah, Skip, and the rest of the team at the Boise-area NBC affiliate investigate property tax allocations in this all-new animated series. more»

• B

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | TV Listings

  ABC 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST In the tradition of ABC's B-related shows GCB and Don’t Trust The B---- In Apt 23 comes a show about a total B. more»

• Friends Of Friends

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | TV Listings

  NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST In tonight's episode of this spin-off of the classic '90s sitcom, Charlie and five other more-or-less strangers awkwardly talk about what a great guy Ross is while trying to discreetly check the time. more»

• $lapping $trangers

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | TV Listings

  MTV 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Contestants must slap as many unsuspecting passersby as they can for a chance to win $300. more»

• Homeowner Surprised He Doesn't Spend More Time In Hallway

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | Newswire

  Homeowner Surprised He Doesn't Spend More Time In Hallway more»

• Friend Who Said Goodbye 10 Minutes Ago Still On Gchat

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | Newswire

  Friend Who Said Goodbye 10 Minutes Ago Still On Gchat more»

• Development Exec Wants To See What, Where, How That Would Look, Live, Play Out

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | Newswire

  Development Exec Wants To See What, Where, How That Would Look, Live, Play Out more»

• Man Who Just Received Complimentary Daffy Duck Checks Can't Stay Mad At Bank Of America

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Newswire

  Man Who Just Received Complimentary Daffy Duck Checks Can't Stay Mad At Bank Of America more»

• Salesman Can't Just Give You Price List Because Here's The Thing With That

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Newswire

  Salesman Can't Just Give You Price List Because Here's The Thing With That more»

• Another Nurse Succumbs To Charms Of Flirty Elderly Patient

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Newswire

  Another Nurse Succumbs To Charms Of Flirty Elderly Patient more»

• Film Mom Thought You'd Like Weirdly Sexual

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Newswire

  Film Mom Thought You'd Like Weirdly Sexual more»

• Early Playoff Exit Provides Huge Relief To Grizzlies

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.14.12 | Sports Newswire

  Early Playoff Exit Provides Huge Relief To Grizzlies more»

• LeBron James Only Person In Arena Chanting 'MVP'

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.15.12 | Sports Newswire

  LeBron James Only Person In Arena Chanting 'MVP' more»

• Spurs, Celtics Begin Stiff-Legged Lurch to the Finals

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.16.12 | Sports Newswire

  Spurs, Celtics Begin Stiff-Legged Lurch to the Finals more»

• New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.17.12 | Sports Newswire

  New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed more»

• SMU Adds "Do Not Resuscitate" To Larry Brown's Contract

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.18.12 | Sports Newswire

  SMU Adds "Do Not Resuscitate" To Larry Brown's Contract more»

• Bryce Harper Asks Manager Where Bats Come From

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.20.12 | Sports Newswire

  Bryce Harper Asks Manager Where Bats Come From more»

• Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | Onion Special Report

  Kevin Bright's coworkers were shocked to learn that the mild-mannered, reserved temp spends his free time performing shitty music. more»

  

• First McDonald's Opens With A Young Grimace Just Starting Out As A Cashier

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | This Week In History

  The Onion reflects on Bette Davis’s film debut as a piece of chocolate cake, Lindbergh’s historic flight across the Atlantic Ocean after decades of disastrous test runs with dog pilots, and the opening of the first McDonald’s with a young Grimace just starting out as a cashier. more»

  

• Behind The Pen: The Chinese Threat

  ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | Behind The Pen

  Thorsberg-Bronze-Quill-Award-winning cartoonist Stan Kelly takes you behind the scenes of his latest editorial cartoon, which explores a hidden threat from overseas. more»