Issue 4821

$lapping $trangers

MTV 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Contestants must slap as many unsuspecting passersby as they can for a chance to win $300.

Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks

SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks.

Friends Of Friends

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST In tonight's episode of this spin-off of the classic '90s sitcom, Charlie and five other more-or-less strangers awkwardly talk about what a great guy Ross is while trying to discreetly check the time.

Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitness Claims

Shoe company Skechers, whose rounded-bottom Shape-Up brand was purported to have been good for weight loss and overall fitness, has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay out more than $40 million in refunds. 

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered...


ABC 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST In the tradition of ABC's B-related shows GCB and Don’t Trust The B---- In Apt 23 comes a show about a total B.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...

Cool Basketball Fan Calls Sport 'B-Ball'

HOBBS, NM—According to friends of the man, area cool basketball fan Kip Conroy calls the sport "b-ball," even though that is not the sport’s official name. "Kip's always like, 'Want to play some b-ball?' or 'Did you se...

News Team 9 Adventures

Cartoon 3:00 p.m. EST/2:00 p.m. CST Adam, Sarah, Skip, and the rest of the team at the Boise-area NBC affiliate investigate property tax allocations in this all-new animated series.

Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart

MONTGOMERY, AL—The Alabama Department of Education reported Wednesday that its sole textbook has begun to seriously show its age after more than a decade of heavy daily use at the state’s 1,500 public schools. Officials said the decrepit tome,...

Behind The Pen: The Chinese Threat

Thorsberg-Bronze-Quill-Award-winning cartoonist Stan Kelly takes you behind the scenes of his latest editorial cartoon, which explores a hidden threat from overseas.

Metta World Peace

Mr. World Peace changed his name last year in order to show he'd rejected the hooliganism that got him in trouble as Ron Artest, but he's also coming off a seven-game suspension for a blind elbow.

Famous Flops In Sports

Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all sports these days.

Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice

MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday. An MRI per...
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