WASHINGTON—A shrieking, sweat-soaked Tom Vilsack reportedly woke in a panic Tuesday night after the U.S.

WASHINGTON—With the election less than six months away, a nationwide Gallup poll released Wednesday found that Money Man has now pulled even with Black ...

NEW YORK—According to a growing consensus of U.S. poets, shadows—inky sharp as a raven's beak—meet the sullen bloat of clouds ...

ARLINGTON, MA—According to onlookers in Wright Park, local sad sack Morgan Jennings was intimidated, bullied, and sent fleeing for safety by a Canada goose ...

EASTON, PA—Speaking at the annual shareholder meeting of Crayola, Inc. on Tuesday, CEO Mike Perry reportedly bewildered investors with a 95-slide PowerPoint presentation called ...

GLEN ALLEN, VA—Local man Brett Lussier, 43, was left fatigued and out of breath Thursday after placing a particularly long lunch order at the ...

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Snack manufacturer Nabisco announced Tuesday its tentative decision to add hummus to its list of approved Ritz cracker toppings, temporarily granting the ...

DEARBORN, MI—Sources said Tuesday that Bruce Garver, a 42-year-old assembly line foreman at the Ford Motor Company's Dearborn, MI, plant, is giving serious ...

CHICAGO—Calling it a banner day for breakfast science, a team of Quaker researchers announced Wednesday that they've unlocked the oatmeal genome, and can ...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to streamline and better coordinate anti-terrorism efforts, the Department of Homeland Security announced Friday that it had established a designated "safe ...

SYRACUSE, NY—According to sources, area man James Hargraves, 34, is pushing himself far too hard to succeed at the completely trivial and pointless multiplayer ...

Following an incident in Colombia in which Secret Service agents drank excessively and hired prostitutes, the head of the agency was called before Congress to ...

Aries You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more ...

WAUSAU, WI—Algebra teacher Cherie Dunham, 26, was going to pull a 16-year-old student out of class for sex but, given all the fuss in ...

ROCKFORD, IL—Brian Patrick, 60, dragged himself into a Days Inn conference room to tell people how to achieve innovation excellence.

MIAMI, FL—Realizing this would most likely be their last date, Keith Monroe grabbed a big thing of Q-tips from Shari Kale's bathroom and ...

IRVINE, CA—Misha Bailey, 47, would have baked blueberry muffins for her new friends on the jury if they weren't all sequestered.

$75.16 (-$3.91) (-4.9%) Prices fell upon news that the long-awaited John Deere crossover tractor had neither the room of their family tractor ...

CHICAGO—A coalition of die-hard Cubs fans and Wrigley Field supporters introduced a drastic proposal at a Chicago city council meeting Tuesday, angrily calling for ...

NEW YORK—The National Basketball Association is in custody today after law enforcement officials found the professional sports league to be in possession of more ...

PHOENIX—Upon returning from their elimination from the Western Conference Finals Tuesday, the Phoenix Coyotes convinced themselves that the homeless drifters occupying the Greyhound bus ...

NEW YORK—In a press release issued Friday, Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized to his fans and Americans everywhere after actually tasting ...

SAN ANTONIO—In arenas, sports bars, and homes throughout the country, the San Antonio Spurs' dominating run through the playoffs has transfixed the nation with ...

SAN FRANCISCO—49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, who has worked with such receiving greats as Tim Brown, Marvin Harrison, and Jerry Rice over the course of ...

IRVING, TX—Keeping with years of tradition of getting blown out in demoralizing defeats to its dominating competitor, the Big 12 Conference confirmed Monday it ...

COBB COUNTY, GA—Big-box home improvement giant the Home Depot, which has generously supported the U.S.

BALTIMORE—Despite well over a decade of futility before their hot start this season, the Baltimore Orioles, currently tied for first in the AL East ...

NEW YORK—Major League Baseball released a statement Tuesday admitting that nobody in its offices was quite sure why the organization agreed to allow all ...

With the sad and unnecessary death of Women's Professional Soccer last week, there is no longer a professional standalone women's soccer league in ...

The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne just unveiled "Thunder Up," a psyche-up song calculated to spur the Oklahoma City Thunder to victory. As we see here ...

A suspect in the 1979 disappearance of 6-year-old Etan Patz, the first missing child to be put on a milk carton, was taken into custody.

Publishing house Vintage has sold 10 million copies of the erotica trilogy Fifty Shades Of Grey in multiple formats in an astonishing six weeks.

Pilots flew the Solar Impulse, an experimental solar-powered two-person aircraft, on a two-leg journey from Switzerland to Morocco.

Online payment service PayPal has struck a deal with 15 brick-and-mortar retailers, including JCPenney and Barnes and Noble, that will enable users to pay for ...

According to The New York Times, President Obama approves every name added to a classified “kill list” of terrorists and has made himself the final ...

Sen. Dick Lugar (R-IN) announced he won’t campaign for Richard Mourdock, the Tea Party–backed candidate who defeated him in the primary. What do ...

With his victory in the Texas primary, Mitt Romney has amassed enough delegates to secure the Republican nomination for president. What do you think?

President Obama honored 13 recipients, including former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, singer Bob Dylan, author Toni Morrison, and astronaut John Glenn, with the Medal ...

One hundred representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be marching at the head of the Salt Lake City pride parade ...

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he would seek to ban the sale of any soda or other sugary beverage larger than 16 ounces ...

Dear The Onion, Last week you published a letter from me—Jim Swanson—but guess what? That wasn't me, that was my identical twin ...

Dear The Onion, It's totally worth spending a little extra money on a good calendar. I have one of Ireland, and May features these ...

A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one.

Back to story: Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll

Joe Biden plans to honor fallen U.S. soldiers by jumping his motorcycle over the Vietnam Memorial, Thomas the Tank Engine is a little uneasy ...

An area man is winded after a particularly lengthy Wendy's order, the NRA sets 1,000 killed in a school shooting as the amount ...

Thom Cargill kept his tuberculosis under wraps so as not to be a downer during the flight from Hong Kong to L.A.

A southern white rhinoceros at the San Antonio Zoo made an effort not to look suicidal in front of children.

Account manager Ellen Cooper only sighed audibly four times during last Tuesday's staff meeting.

USA 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Realtor-by-day, flasher-by night Brick Conley almost gets caught when showing an apartment with exposed ...

Lifetime 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Just when she thought she erased the stigma of Lyme disease in her small ...

Food 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Four days after Kaitlin's decision to call off the engagement, host Adam Viscardi ...

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Tonight, teams of fish equipped with special underwater cameras attempt to avoid the fishermen ...

Pau Gasol Blamed For Making Kobe Bryant Sound Like Asshole

Success Of I'll Have Another Making Nation's Other 3-Year-Olds Feel Inadequate

Tim Tebow Impressing Broncos With Absence

Reggie Bush Listed As Product For Sale On Nike's Web Site

Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate

 Stephen Strasburg Tears Everything

Quaint English Village Bulldozed To Make Room For Quaint English Olympic Village

Hoping To Break Slump, Rickie Weeks Chewing Increasing Amounts Of Tobacco, Bubble Gum, Sunflower Seeds, Pine Tar All At Once

New Vikings Stadium To Forego Retractable Roof For Individual Fan Domes

Emmitt Smith Admits Sometimes He Still Flashes Back To Those Two Years Of Uninspired Play That Ended His Career

The nation's poets poets announced today that shadows—inky sharp as a raven’s beak—meet the clouds like dusty charcoal on an ashen ...

If you like watching DVDs or streaming movies online, this week's must-see Behind the Pen video will reveal whether you are a sophisticated adult ...