PALO ALTO, CA—A report released Tuesday by physicists at Stanford University has revealed that the entire known universe—including the whole of human civilization ...
ST. CLOUD, MN—Shortly after discovering he had locked himself out of his suburban home, stark naked 43-year-old claims adjuster David Ronzo began to deliver ...
NEW YORK—Seeking to mollify critics over its role in the global financial crisis, Goldman Sachs announced Friday the hiring of junior analyst Greg Kohler ...
BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to sources, local 4-year-old Annie Platt spent much of Tuesday afternoon showing the ropes to her newest toy, a stuffed rag doll ...
ARLINGTON, VA—Software developer Rosetta Stone announced Thursday the launch of a new three-CD-ROM Hungarian language program, the first disk of which is dedicated entirely ...
SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling it the single greatest breakthrough to date in Alzheimer's research, the U.S.
PARIS, TN—The Henry County Sheriff's Department announced Monday the arrest of a local man charged with burglarizing the climate-controlled beard humidor of country ...
ST. MARYS, OH—Local grandmother Janet Lukingbeal said Tuesday it had recently started to dawn on her that family members hadn't even bothered to ...
WASHINGTON—According to event attendees, after numerous failed attempts to steer the subject away from his occupation, an American governor in town for a fundraiser ...
After soliciting ideas from scientists, NASA has received around 400 proposals on how to rethink its Martian exploration program. Here are a few of them...
Aries You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100."
Taurus If someone had told you ...
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Christian Brooks, 19, began his summer job of dressing like a sausage and rollerblading around a minor-league baseball field.
SAN DIEGO, CA—Jill Attleboro's mix CD ended up just being all the songs from Quadrophenia, and it fucking rocked.
AUBURN, CA—Two-year-old Parker Haddad didn't want everyone to tell him what a big boy he was for enduring the bee sting; he wanted ...
STOWE, VT—Jamie Eisenbraun, 24, somehow built a fire on a riverbank with friends without making lifelong memories.
$181.72 (+$2.26) (+1.26%) The site's stock steadily grew as Amazon.com assassins gunned down Richard Williams, owner of the charming Boothbay ...
NEW YORK—With the near-ubiquity of social media platforms such as Twitter and Facebook, more athletes than ever have been able to confirm every widely ...
SICHUAN PROVINCE, CHINA—According to reports from world health officials, farmers across a rural district of China are contracting what is believed to be a ...
NEW YORK—According to a report released Friday, which noted a considerable increase in the number of people talking about soccer throughout the United States ...
Star Wars director George Lucas announced that he will step away from his production company to focus on making smaller, more experimental films.
Richard Dawson, actor and longtime host of Family Feud, died Saturday at 79. What do you think?
The International Group for Historic Aircraft Recovery has concluded that Amelia Earhart died on an uninhabited island after running out of fuel.
The National Reconnaissance Office has donated two former spy telescopes to NASA, which hopes to repurpose them to investigate dark energy.
Retiring syndicated-radio host Neal Boortz announced he would be replaced by former presidential candidate Herman Cain in 2013.
A bill that would have made it easier for women to sue for pay inequality was shot down by Senate Republicans.
The Walt Disney Co. announced it would no longer run advertisements during children’s programs for foods it considers unhealthy.
The professional social-networking site LinkedIn announced that some of its passwords had been leaked in a security breach.
During May, Obama and the Democratic Party raised a combined $60 million for his reelection campaign, bringing his total to $450 million.
In a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 58 percent of high school seniors admitted to sending and receiving text messages while driving.
America's legal system protects our civil liberties, dispenses justice, settles disputes, and provides high paying jobs to thousands of humanities majors who didn't ...
Explore area crimes reported by the Onion's law enforcement beat.
Ann Romney says her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public, physicists discover that our universe is the fictional setting ...
Our random quote generator once again selected an excerpt from a speech given by murderous Ugandan dictator Idi Amin for last week's "Words Of ...
Last week The Onion referred to the Full Moon Killer as the Corpse-Making Killer. The Onion was unaware that everyone was already calling him the ...
Fox
9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST
This week's episode features a wedding, a prom, a baby shower, and a ...
ABC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Sandra is eliminated after her senior thesis on gender politics in Beowulf fails to ...
Showtime 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT To cover up accidentally killing a patient while high on Percocet, Nurse Jackie gets ...
PBS 11:00 a.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. CDT Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham discusses the week's political developments with panelists Peanut, Bubba J ...
Even though the shuttle program is over, the fun's not over at NASA. Come on down to Houston and see for yourself at the ...
Let this quiet 14-by-14-foot alcove be your sweet respite from the pile of work on your bed, the unsorted receipts on your desk, and the ...
In Doc and Kenny's return to GOOMF, Kevin Garnett has thrown the Heat into identity crisis, a trailblazing jockey rides directly on his horse ...
Shortly after locking himself out of his home, stark naked claims adjuster David Ronzo reportedly delivered a stirring and thought provoking philosophical treatise to a ...
The Onion reflects on the Johnny Carson’s final Tonight Show with special guest Saddam Hussein, the opening of the Brooklyn Bridge which revolutionized suicide ...
What's wrong with a young person going to the Big Brothers to find a role model? Plenty, says Cartoonist Stan Kelly in this week ...
