NORTHFIELD, OH—Sources at the Gregson-Turner Paper Co. confirmed that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent the vast majority of his visit to the company ...

WESTBROOK, ME—Once, perhaps very many years ago, the enraged 42-year-old woman currently berating a Hannaford supermarket cashier over the price of a package of ...

APPLETON, WI—Less than 24 hours after their god bestowed two delicious orange slices upon them, local ants reported the capricious deity had picked up ...

WISCONSIN DELLS, WI—In an annual ritual as regular as the arrival of summer itself, the nation's waterslide tunnels were purged Monday of all ...

AUSTIN, TX—A major existential breakthrough was averted Friday when, moments before he had a realization of monumental personal significance, 29-year-old local resident Darrell Gatsas ...

ORLANDO, FL—A Sisyphean, continent-spanning voyage and the depletion of six years of savings at long last resulted this Tuesday in a single photograph of ...

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—Friends, family, and colleagues of 19-year-old U.S. Marine Alex Penzerton were saddened Wednesday upon learning he had been killed by a roadside ...

NEW GLARUS, WI—As the walls of the molten-cheese containment unit groaned and the massive vat of coagulated milk curd began to give way, shift ...

SANTA FE, NM—After 17 years of not thinking about "Weird Al" Yankovic, 31-year-old Tony Gilman was pressured into having and expressing a definite opinion ...

WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort aimed at overhauling the nation's aging infrastructure, the United States on Sunday unveiled a 3,000-mile transnational power strip ...

Pioneering science-fiction author Ray Bradbury, who wrote such books as Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles, died last week at the age of 91. Here ...

Aries: It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is ...

LAPD Going About Day In Uncomfortable Silence

SPRING GREEN, WI—Since nobody had a better idea, Marshall Connor, guitarist for local band Witchdoctor, will take his camera to the cemetery for the ...

PLANO, TX—While shopping for produce at his local market, Joe Headon, 35, bought a bag of cherries for $25 and had no idea if ...

STONE HARBOR, NJ—Watching the sunset has gone from romantic to interminably dull, but new couple Sam Martino and Kelly Hess are keeping quiet because ...

HOLLAND, MI—Marie Hamilton, 58, wasn't sure what the America's Funniest Home Videos judges were smoking when they chose that one.

$26.63 (+$1.51) (+6%) Share prices jumped today on reports that the company's snack-food division was attracting a far more sophisticated, highbrow consumer ...

OKLAHOMA CITY—Despite the team having brought itself to the Western Conference finals on the strength of weeks of brutally productive and disciplined play, visitors ...

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—In a statement released Thursday, NASCAR announced it would end a longstanding tradition of allowing child volunteers to run out onto the ...

MINNEAPOLIS—Exhausted from months of trying, to little avail, to hit the ball, the last-place Minnesota Twins gathered around manager Ron Gardenhire in the clubhouse ...

INDIANAPOLIS—Citing lower television viewership numbers than expected despite an unusually exciting race, Izod IndyCar officials announced they would hold the 2012 Indianapolis 500 again ...

OKLAHOMA CITY—Sources within the Miami Heat organization reported Tuesday that the Eastern Conference champions spent their entire flight to Oklahoma City planning their NBA ...

LOS ANGELES—Former NBA superstar and Hall of Fame center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar confirmed Monday he had finished writing a horror screenplay about a terrifying giant ...

With contract negotiations failing and the league announcing plans to hire replacement officials, the NFL Referees Association may soon go on strike.

Electric car manufacturer Tesla Motors has begun opening shops in malls to sell its $100,000 vehicles.

U.S. commerce secretary John Bryson was involved in a hit-and-run in Los Angeles when his vehicle struck a car stopped at a train tracks.

Ray and Tom Magliozzi, hosts of the public radio program Car Talk, announced they were retiring the popular show after 25 years of broadcasting nationally.

According to a Swiss study published in the journal Annals Of Epidemiology, people have a 14 percent greater chance of dying on their birthday.

The median net worth of American families has fallen from $126,400 in 2007 to $77,300 in 2012, bringing middle-class wealth back down to ...

Michelle Obama joined the social networking site Pinterest, adding photos of her family and her garden.

The town of Middleborough, MA voted to impose a $20 fine on anyone using obscene language in public. What do you think?

Republicans are angry following an admission by the creators of the HBO series Game Of Thrones that a scene in the season-one finale featured a ...

A Pew Research Center poll indicates that President Barack Obama’s popularity is slipping around the globe, due in part to disapproval of drone airstrikes.

According to a Carnegie Mellon University study, stress levels in the United States increased 18 percent for women and 24 percent for men between 1983 ...

Dear The Onion, In case any of your other readers were also wondering who they had to blow to get some service at the new ...

Dear The Onion, You know what music lacks today? A blind guy who can really play the shit out of a piano. Fred Joseph, New ...

Residents of Pennington, IL report that hot shit Jeff Statsky has returned home with his tail between his legs.

Investigative reporter Gavin Fisher investigates the world of Chinese counterfeit goods by donning a long robe and a black wig.

Mitt Romney spends most of a factory visit yelling at employees to work harder, the deep, orange sun beautifully sets on Topher Grace's career ...

AMC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST The Mad Men creator is a sport for five minutes, but will be damned ...

ABC 9:30 p.m. EST/8:30 p.m. CST Idealistic and trusting June has half her face torn off after ignoring her neighbors ...

National Geographic 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 9.m. CST Ted buys some balsa wood that's on special; Amy skims instructions on ...

PBS 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Are you watching this? You should turn it on. You're too busy? Never ...

The Adams High School 10th-grade jock clique would like to remind all the stupid faggots in their class that they will be egging their cars ...

There will be a street fair this Sunday on Ennis Street, so all who live in the area are invited to crane their necks out ...

Tiger Woods Back Again After Being Back From Being Back

Rick Reilly Casually Mentions All The Rapes He Committed In Column About Athlete Accused Of Rape

Both Shawn Johnson, Houston Astros Confused Why Gymnast Signed One-Day Contract In Order To Retire An Astro

Roger Goodell Reveals He Likes To Spend His Spare Time Commissioning Other Things

MLB Reminds National League To Get Vaccinated Against DH Before Interleague Play Starts Again

The Onion looks back at the release of David Bowie's 'The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust,' which popularized Glam Rock, Glam Politics, and ...