Issue 4824

U.S. Improves Infrastructure With Transnational Power Strip

WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort aimed at overhauling the nation's aging infrastructure, the United States on Sunday unveiled a 3,000-mile transnational power strip, which officials said would provide Americans with 126 billion new electrical outlets...

American Under-Preppers

National Geographic 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 9.m. CST Ted buys some balsa wood that's on special; Amy skims instructions on how to can food; Nate's guessed his covered swimming pool would shelter his family from the more lethal parts of nuclear fallout.

Peer Group Forces Man To Have Opinion On 'Weird Al'

SANTA FE, NM—After 17 years of not thinking about "Weird Al" Yankovic, 31-year-old Tony Gilman was pressured into having and expressing a definite opinion on the popular novelty singer by members of his peer group Friday.

Sunday, June 17

There will be a street fair this Sunday on Ennis Street, so all who live in the area are invited to crane their necks out their windows sporadically between 1 and 5:30 p.m.

The Legacy Of Ray Bradbury

Pioneering science-fiction author Ray Bradbury, who wrote such books as Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles, died last week at the age of 91. Here are some of the works he leaves behind: R Is For Rocket: A collection of short storie...

Don't Trust The B—— In Apartment 23

ABC 9:30 p.m. EST/8:30 p.m. CST Idealistic and trusting June has half her face torn off after ignoring her neighbors' advice and trying to make friends with the rabid, blood-mad baboon confined in apartment 23.

Friday, June 15

The Adams High School 10th-grade jock clique would like to remind all the stupid faggots in their class that they will be egging their cars or smashing their mailboxes with baseball bats this Friday night, weather permitting.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 12, 2012

Aries: It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is frankly sick of you asking for more gravy. Taurus: If nothing else, next week will certainly be a lesson ...

AMC Roast Of Matthew Weiner

AMC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST The Mad Men creator is a sport for five minutes, but will be damned if he's going to sit there while the kid who plays Bobby Draper zings him.

Jonathan Quick

The Stanley Cup is usually about goaltending, and Los Angeles goalie Jonathan Quick has been playing at an almost supernaturally high level for the Kings.

The Looming NFL Referee Strike

With contract negotiations failing and the league announcing plans to hire replacement officials, the NFL Referees Association may soon go on strike.

Report: Mood In Spurs Locker Room

OKLAHOMA CITY—Despite the team having brought itself to the Western Conference finals on the strength of weeks of brutally productive and disciplined play, visitors were reportedly startled to find there was a mood in the Spurs locker room following...
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  • More News

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Completes Horror Movie Script About Giant Hook From Sky Killing People

LOS ANGELES—Former NBA superstar and Hall of Fame center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar confirmed Monday he had finished writing a horror screenplay about a terrifying giant hook that comes from the sky and kills millions of people. "So at the start, life is normal, but then this massive razor-sharp hook suddenly appears in the sky and starts murdering people, and everyone's in awe of it, but no one can do anything because it's unstoppable," said Abdul-Jabbar, the NBA's all-time scoring leader, who told reporters he has spent the past six years working on the script. "People try to put up their arms to block it, but the huge hook arches way high up in the sky and then comes back down and decapitates all of them." According to Abdul-Jabbar, the huge scary hook escaped from a mental institution in the sky.


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