WASHINGTON—Saying they just need to relax after a "grueling" nine months of watching television, Americans across the nation are reportedly using the summer to ...
NEW YORK—Real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump reportedly stood before his bedroom's full-length mirror Wednesday morning and stared forlornly at his ...
PASADENA, CA—With the intention of letting loose, hitting the town, and maybe even "getting into a little mischief," Christine Fehrman, 33, and her closest ...
WOODRIDGE, IL—Old Milwaukee beer announced Friday the launch of a new series of commercials featuring a group of friends despondently contemplating suicide while drinking ...
WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Sunday by the Pew Research Center, even though he doesn't always show it and certainly never says ...
NORTH AUGUSTA, SC—According to household sources, the Sederquest family was astounded by the glut of terrible advice offered Sunday by grandfather Bill Sederquest, with ...
DOESN'T MATTER—Business magnate and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain briefly returned to the spotlight Tuesday to announce he would lend his support ...
ASHEVILLE, NC—The deceased daughter of James and Martha Hagerty would have wanted her parents to relentlessly pursue a $220 million liability settlement against the ...
PORTLAND, OR—Marketing firm Green Solutions announced Wednesday that it was developing environmentally friendly alternatives to the nonrenewable sources of synergy, global positioning, and blue-sky ...
POCATELLO, ID—A $1 bill somehow made its way into the hands of Mitt Romney during a campaign stop Thursday, reportedly causing the Republican presidential ...
MONTEREY, CA—Evolutionary biologist Scott Gerhardt told reporters Saturday he may have gained valuable insight into his family's evolutionary arc after discovering a common ...
WASHINGTON—Spurred into action by the surge of Super PAC donations ahead of November's general election, the American people this week collectively managed to ...
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) is sifting through candidates for new Internet suffixes to join .com and .net, and suggestions so ...
Aries Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the ...
BROCKTON, MA—After a long day of shopping, Liz Huckfeldt, 43, finally found a swimsuit that concealed the unsightly rolls of fat on the back ...
IRMO, SC—Kaitlyn Vogl, 15, skipped summer school to teach herself to play Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know" on the ukulele.
HUNTSVILLE, AL—Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jeri Burke knows dumping bacon fat down the drain is bad for the pipes, but she doesn't know what ...
JESSUP, PA—Chris Mullins was feeling extra productive, so she bought two new pairs of flip-flops instead of just one.
$32.23 (+$0.47) (+1.5%) Shares of Philip Morris’ parent company rose following news that persuasive bad influence Tyler Woodrich transferred to a new ...
BELLEFONTE, PA—As jurors began deliberations Thursday on charges that he sexually abused 10 boys over a 15-year period, former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky ...
LOS ANGELES—Moments after the Kings took turns hoisting the Stanley Cup in celebration of their championship victory Monday, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman gave the ...
AUSTIN, TX—Following formal charges of performance-enhancing drug use brought by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency against Lance Armstrong on Wednesday, Armstrong's longtime bicycle ...
SACRAMENTO, CA—Speaking reverently as he shared his newfound religious faith, Sacramento River Cats designated hitter Manny Ramirez reportedly taught his triple-A teammates Monday about ...
ELMONT, NY—Dark Star, the colt best known for his victory at the 1953 Kentucky Derby, made it to the winner's circle once again ...
ATLANTA—Fussy Orioles shortstop J.J. Hardy defiantly refused to stand on the nonorganic dirt in Turner Field Friday, complaining to coaches and teammates that ...
No one denies that LeBron James is a phenomenal young talent who has turned in some almost supernaturally good performances, but he's still generally ...
The 2012 NBA Finals pits a little-liked team stocked with superstars against a classic lovable underdog. Here's what our analysts say everyone must do ...
Matt Cain Inadvertently Makes Houston Astros Part Of Baseball History
TNT's Dallas, a continuation of the classic 1980s prime-time soap opera, premiered Wednesday with 6.9 million viewers, the most of any new scripted ...
This past weekend, Mitt Romney vowed that he would look at what President Obama has done regarding Israel and "do the opposite." What do you ...
The latest mobile operating system for the iPhone and iPad has drawn criticism for omitting public transportation options from its Maps application.
A lawsuit filed against ConAgra Foods alleges its Hebrew National brand of hot dogs are not produced in strict accordance with Orthodox Jewish law, and ...
With the center-right political party New Democracy placing first in Greece's parliamentary elections, the fiscally troubled nation appears poised to remain in the 17-nation ...
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who is currently awaiting extradition from the UK to Sweden to face rape and sexual assault charges, has taken refuge in ...
A Danish study suggests that drinking low to moderate amounts of alcohol in the early months of pregnancy may not be harmful to the baby.
A study by researchers at the University of North Carolina found that 13 percent of women 50 years of age and older had an eating ...
The U.S. Department of Justice is suing the communities of Colorado City, AZ and Hildale, UT, alleging a pattern of discrimination against residents who ...
On "Raw Story," O'Brady Shaw Investigates what may have been a shooting at a local mall, or may have been something else altogether.
Americans enjoy three months of carefree vegging out before the responsibilities of fall programming resume, Herman Cain endorses who gives a fuck, and a pilot ...
Last week The Onion mistakenly regretted an error made in a previous issue. It should be noted that The Onion lamented that particular error.
In last Thursday's issue, there were several instances in which The Onion mistakenly referred to a restaurant as a "fooding house." The Onion regrets ...
MTV 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Tyffeni gets suspended after she skips class to develop eyelids.
Spike 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Nashville groom-to-be Eric Walters is fine with whatever flowers they have. Meanwhile, Rafael Mendoza ...
Bravo 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Aurumai wows judges with his newest power animal; Evagrius tries to retrieve enough souls ...
TLC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT We catch up with the 11 geese who provided the feathers for the 2006 ...
Live out your fantasies of having drivers-by wonder what your deal is. Unkempt garden with broken wheelbarrow and a rusty shed in back.
This place is so nice you can't help but kick in a few doors, smash some windows, and just mess shit up.
"I'm rich and famous, and everyone wants to be me. That doesn't make me a bully. That just makes me better than most ...
"If you somehow gather the mental wherewithal to collect 30 UPC labels and mail them to our promotions department, we'll send you an Old ...
The Face is Off and the hate is real as Kenny and Doc discuss Bosh's new addiction to belly rubs, the Marlin's child-targeting ...
Rafael Nadal Donates Supermodel He Won For Winning French Open To Charity
Antonio Cromartie Celebrates Fatherings Day
NBA Draft Combine Gets Awkward After Nobody Makes Any Shots
Sandusky Trial Marred By Continuous Vomiting Of Gallery, Jury, Judge
The Tea Party has all but disappeared, but an expert urges us not to think they won't be back.
The Onion looks at the discovery of a group of North Dakotan coal miners that would become the cast of 'Happy Days,' the Supreme Court ...
