Fussy J.J. Hardy Refuses To Stand On Nonorganic Dirt

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Issue 4825

Behind The Down Pillow

TLC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT We catch up with the 11 geese who provided the feathers for the 2006 Ralph Lauren King Size #10239.

Last Shaman Standing  

Bravo 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Aurumai wows judges with his newest power animal; Evagrius tries to retrieve enough souls to move on to the next round.

Tear-Stained Final Words

"If you somehow gather the mental wherewithal to collect 30 UPC labels and mail them to our promotions department, we'll send you an Old Milwaukee pen and notepad set, perfect for scrawling down your tear-stained final words." – Old M...

Romney Stares Uncomprehendingly At $1 Bill

POCATELLO, ID—A $1 bill somehow made its way into the hands of Mitt Romney during a campaign stop Thursday, reportedly causing the Republican presidential candidate a moment of uncomprehending fascination.


This place is so nice you can't help but kick in a few doors, smash some windows, and just mess shit up.

New Internet Destinations Created

The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) is sifting through candidates for new Internet suffixes to join .com and .net, and suggestions so far have included .book, .amazon, and .cloud. Here are some of the other proposed domain ...


Spike 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Nashville groom-to-be Eric Walters is fine with whatever flowers they have. Meanwhile, Rafael Mendoza of Silver Springs, MD, was hoping to have the wedding on a weekend so he won't have to take off work.

Rich and Famous

"I'm rich and famous, and everyone wants to be me. That doesn't make me a bully. That just makes me better than most people." – Donald Trump

Little Weird White House

Live out your fantasies of having drivers-by wonder what your deal is. Unkempt garden with broken wheelbarrow and a rusty shed in back.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 19, 2012

Aries Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing...

Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck

DOESN'T MATTER—Business magnate and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain briefly returned to the spotlight Tuesday to announce he would lend his support to the campaign of nobody gives a flying fuck what Herman Cain has to say.

Teen Fetus

MTV 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Tyffeni gets suspended after she skips class to develop eyelids.

Armageddon Preparedness Tips

Take some time off work and spend your last days free from the bonds of the oppressive and culturally devoid institution that was just about the only thing giving you a purpose to your otherwise insignificant days. Spend your final waking minutes before ...

62-Year-Old Colt Wins Belmont Stakes Senior Event

ELMONT, NY—Dark Star, the colt best known for his victory at the 1953 Kentucky Derby, made it to the winner's circle once again Friday, when the 62-year-old earned his fifth victory in the Senior Belmont Stakes.

Why We Hate LeBron

No one denies that LeBron James is a phenomenal young talent who has turned in some almost supernaturally good performances, but he's still generally unloved by fans.

Lance Armstrong's Bike: 'It Was Me'

AUSTIN, TX—Following formal charges of performance-enhancing drug use brought by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency against Lance Armstrong on Wednesday, Armstrong's longtime bicycle has stepped forward to take full responsibility.

NHL Gives Kings List Of Things Stanley Cup Is Allergic To

LOS ANGELES—Moments after the Kings took turns hoisting the Stanley Cup in celebration of their championship victory Monday, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman gave the team instructions on caring for the trophy and distributed a six-page, stapled docume...


The 2012 NBA Finals pits a little-liked team stocked with superstars against a classic lovable underdog. Here's what our analysts say everyone must do in pursuit of victory:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Fussy J.J. Hardy Refuses To Stand On Nonorganic Dirt

ATLANTA—Fussy Orioles shortstop J.J. Hardy defiantly refused to stand on the nonorganic dirt in Turner Field Friday, complaining to coaches and teammates that the disgusting mixture of clay, silt, and sand was full of harmful additives and chemicals. "Yuck, no way I'm taking even one step on that gross stuff," said Hardy, who reportedly did not budge from his seat in the dugout. "It's not good for you to stand around in anything but pure, natural infield dirt with USDA organic certification. All that synthetic loam, processed sediment, and artificial brown coloring will make you sick or give you foot cancer." As of press time, J.J. Hardy had agreed to stand on several raw-cotton pads placed over the infield dirt.